Lost my fighting spirit

[Rabenreich]

Well,I thought a bit if I should say anything about this topic,or better I thought of if I'm mature enough to say something about it...mh I decited just to say what I think...as usual.I hope it don't talk too much nonsense...

I never injured myself really bad otherwise than accidently...I just cutted myself once for I wanted to know what it feels like to do it.Emotional I mean,when you're down.
I felt nothing-but physical pain.
I doubt if I really understand cutting.I see it as kind of "drug".It takes,like a drug,the psychical pain away for sometime,but when it's over,the pain comes back.Sometimes even stronger than before I think...And you have to do it again and again and again...I saw it by a girl that I know...

And I know another one that is even 2 years younger than me (13 !),and cutted her self on a reguar basis...Mh I don't know if she does it to get attention or something...Or if she really knows what she does...mhh.

If there is one thing that I ever learnt from a movie (pealse don't laugh...but do you remember that scene in American History X,when Derrik got beaten up by his Nazi friends in jail,and talked to his black teacher afterward? ),is just to keep in mind if what I do makes things better or worse...and if it gets worse,or stands still and I'm not satisfied with it to change it.And I think cutting leands in a kind of dead end street you can't easy get out of... I don't want to walk down this dead end street even it is sometimes very seductive.

 

[Gaunerin]

Originally posted by Fjelltussa
What did you mean here?

I try to explain.
We agree that cutting isn't solving any of the problems you have.
But you still see it as a remedy for the physical pain you can't take. Imo it would be a huge step in the right direction to understand that you have to find another way to cope with your feelings instead of accepting that cutting is the only way for you.
I don't know for how long you're already doing this but please don't let this become your routine and only way out - because it is a one way road.

 

[Vanir]

As I have said all along, and many have repeated - cutting is NOT the way out. But to shed some light on my last post:
-"I focus on the pain"

SI takes focus away from the real problems causing one to harm oneself. It gives you a little pocket of air to breathe in. To get some time to stabilize yourself again. It is, for me, the way to escape when I have sunk too low for my own good. I hurt myself physically, and thus I kick myself a few notches back up. Then, I am sometimes ready to face my problems. Other times, I'm not.
But when I'm stronger, and still not strong enough to kill the source, I at least got some time off from what's bothering me deep within. My way of saying "Give me a break!", and getting one.

As for anyone insinuating people who hurt themselves do it to get attention, NO. There are some, there will always be some. But as for me, as for most? I cover up my wounds when close to those who care about me. I never speak a word, so that nobody will worry.

Why?

My way to go, my way to survive, is the way where I must fight alone. The way where I must face my own fears, sorrows, memories.. and defeat them. I am, granted, well on my way, but I have still far to go.
There has now been some time since I cut myself, apart from one single case which was for totally different reasons... ahem, well, and I am always tempted. But how do one become stronger? One face resistance. All that which doeth not kill us, maketh us stronger. Right?
And I won't stop till I'm strongest. Which means, I will hurt myself again, but I will do it as a absolute last resort.
And as I said many a month ago, drugs is not an option for me, ever, when it comes to my inner demons.

 

[Fjelltussa]

As Vanir said, most ppl don't cut or burn or whatever for attention. Some few surely do - and maybe especially metal heads, if they think it looks "evil", which to some seems to be the same as "cool" - but you can always see it if that's the case. You can see because they are posers, and they never do it for very long. They try some times, and then get bored.

I do know that this is not the best way to handle my depression, but honestly, I don't really see what's so bad about it either. Of course, in general it can be, but I have full control over how I cut, I never cut very deep, not on the more fragile places, and I take good care of my wounds. It's not dangerous or anything. The scars will stay there for quite some time, maybe years, but I don't cut deep enough to make life lasting scars. So what's the big deal? For now I don't want to stop SI; I'm just not ready for it yet. But I doubt I'll do it for the rest of my life.

 

[MeaCulpa]

I'd like to ask you all a favour..
Please take good care of yourselves and those you care about.
And if you feel you're loosing the grip - try to get help!

For those wondering why I ask..
The bf couldn't take anymore and chose to end his life Friday January 10.
It shouldn't have had to come to that

 

[Morgana]

My deepest condolence, loosing someone beloved in this dimenson is always the deepest pain... my toughts are with you, cause I have been through this and can imagine very well how you feel!

 

[Hiljainen]

.... i can't imagine your pain...i mean...it's too big to imagine if you haven't been in that situation....and i don't know what to say...well, i know this isn't "encouraging" but i'm simply telling what i think....anyway we are here if you feel you need to write something...we are here

 

[Gaunerin]

sorry to hear that.

 

[DeadWinterDead]

Well, I'm sorry. I have just lost someone recently too. It's so tough. Though, she wasn't my girlfriend, she was my cousin. But it still hurts. I hope you will be able to live on. You're a very sweet girl.

 

[Blackspirit]

Originally posted by MeaCulpa
I'd like to ask you all a favour..
Please take good care of yourselves and those you care about.
And if you feel you're loosing the grip - try to get help!

For those wondering why I ask..
The bf couldn't take anymore and chose to end his life Friday January 10.
It shouldn't have had to come to that

I'm so sorry! :'o(

 

[YMIR]

MeaCulpa@ My condolence and I wish you much strength... I know what you feel..

 

[The Nomad]

Oh dear. I'm sorry you have to go through that. I'm sorry he had to go through that.

 

[Fjelltussa]

I'm so sorry, MeaCulpa.... I know this is a stupid thing to say, but try your best to take care of your self! And take time in the spans you manage, that be a day at a time, an hour or each second. Have as many (((((((***hugs***))))))) as you want, if you want! I'll be thinking of you! Trust me!

 

[Vanir]

I offer my most sincere condolances, MeaCulpa. I know just what it feels like to lose someone very, very close.

 

[Phyros]

Oh God. I am at loss for words here

You take care my dear. Stay sane and alive, please.

-phyros

 

[Morgana]

get this up for a reason

 

[MeaCulpa]

Thank some supreme being if there is one, that I'm doing very much better now than 5 months ago..
An interesting topic which deserves it's attention, despite me hijacking it a bit in the end