I have become aware, without going into a lot of detail, that there is a group of the populace that simply won't ever "get it"...and don't have the ability to. It doesn't make them bad people, but there are a great many people I simply do not have the ability to get along with on a higher level and vice versa. It's no kind of spiritual thing or what have you... there's just a certain lightbulb which is on that some have and others don't, in terms of general deeper awareness. To go beyond that would probably bring me somewhere too abstract even for me.
I experienced a lot of odd emotional things at an early age, my brain somehow recognizing and trying to make sense out of a lot of very 'mature' issues... the finality of things (the gravity of it is huge and we often don't realize it because we're used to comprehending it), death, different spiritual issues (I have seen/encountered a few nasty things in my life, in terms of entities, which great shook me to say the least), and so on. I have always always always felt some unnamed feeling in one context or another at the core of my being that I'm sort of off-center, or 'doing it wrong', or otherwise repel others and don't belong somehow. Being thrust into the later stages of the public school system, in those same years that I was starting to fully develop, pushed it into full bloom as the behavior and thought processes of 90% of the other kids was so alien and horrifying to me that I could barely function. It was no result of being "sheltered" - I was raised in a broken and alcoholic family - or a by-product of any related belief - my faith in Christ was grown, studied, and seasoned later -.... it was the simple fact that I couldn't inherently relate or understand AT ALL to what was going on, and neither could anybody to me. Just like now, I was never interested in the same things others were, was never stimulated or excited by the same things, and even thought most of it was plain dull or disgusting. I kept to myself, although friendly when the opportunity arose. I was wholly punished and looked down upon for being "too quiet" or "different". This was a deviation from being treated as "normal" in the oft-maligned but effective 'gifted' program I was a part of in previous grades.
Within a week of the Columbine shootings I was set up within my school as a similar figure by members of black gangs and general 'white trash' types and subsequently arrested, jailed, tried, and so forth. I went through dozens of psychological evaluations and was diagnosed with everything from bi-polarism, to the fraud which is ADHD, to depression, and OCD. I took the medication for none of this. I was set up at an "alternative school" and later dropped out illegally at 13 because not only was I in a very real danger of getting murdered, but my records were somehow continually lost and my tenure there expanded repeatedly. I spent then until a few years ago basically living on the Internet, doing outside work so I could buy food and CD's, and totally isolating myself, avoiding the rampant alcoholism and slutting it up that my house was full of.
Whatever is "wrong" with me in other ways must be "wrong" with me emotionally as well, and so I've had some tremendous bad fortune with women, this has been the source of more and deeper scars than any other issue in my life by far, and that particular rabbit hole seems to be endless at the moment.
While I do love people, and strangers seem to be drawn to me for help consistently (the large long haired guy with sunglasses and leather...), at the same time I am also exceedingly cynical and angry towards humanity and the human condition in general. The latter is the only piece of logic, connecting with Scripturally oriented things as well, which is probably halting me from complete misanthropy...the fact that at the end of the day sometimes we can't even help some of the ways we suck. I have an EXTREME sense of discernment - otherwise known as "judgement" to people who don't want their mess found out or looked at. I have a memory which ties things visually to many emotions and causes a lot of hardship and heartache when something horrible happens, replaying everything like a movie reel and sort of dragging my person through the spikes and gears over and over and over. I am constantly, extremely irritated with all kinds of little things within the lines of all kinds of things people say and do - the way things are said, the wordings that always strike me accurately as a certain thing and show more of what a person thinks than they let on, the different stale status quos people cling to, the little truths which are shrouded in such a huge pile of bullshit that it seems so utterly convenient for them to be discredited and indeed they often are. Despite loving being natural, it is the hardest thing to do in the world sometimes in a way that will actually be effective at all. If I didn't care, I wouldn't be so pissed off 24/7, and then on the other hand, sometimes it seems so big and retarded and mutated that I just want to sit and wait and watch the world and what we've made of ourselves expire. I absolutely hate what people *generally* do, think, the way they think and do it, the ongoing flow of total waste and repetition of ignorance and failure that seems to dominate modern Western society. There is so much inside that despite being a musician and dedicated lyricist I feel I can't ever get it out enough, can't ever say it perfect enough, and won't ever. I am paranoid that I continually alienate people by letting them see some of this when I just would like to have a small circle who gets it and may be able to share ideas within and live more 'normal' - 'normal' without the nonsense - within. I wonder sometimes if I might explode in some non-musical fashion because of always keeping everything inside so much, distrusting people and their ability to understand or care about anything that is wrong, feeling like I'm basically a freak who doesn't talk right or act right or do anything right ever... not merely 'right' in the eyes of the world, because most of what right is to them is ass-backwards...'right' as in some way which will actually enable me to get 'somewhere' in this supposedly even-handed society.
I might rant more later.
