Official UM Joke Thread
- Thread starter xenophobe
- Start date
Ultima Ibanez Overlord
-=The Dude Abides=-
^^LMAO!!!
Right, here's on:
There's a judge trying a very public case of a man who battered his wife and daughter to death with a hammer. The case is just about finished and the man has been found guilty. The judge is summing up before passing sentence.
"You, sir, have been found guilty of murdering your wife in cold blood by battering her to death with a hammer....."
Suddenly, a voice from the gallery shouts "Absolutely disgusting".
The judge shouts "SILENCE IN COURT!!". Then he continues;
"you are also guilty of battering your young daughter to death, with the same hammer...."
"Fucking disgraceful" shouts the same voice.
"What is the meaning of this, sir? Please keep quiet. Order in my court!!" fervours the judge. He then goes on;
"And so, having murdered your entire family with this hammer..."
"You filthy bastard" shouts the voice again.
"Bring that man here! Bring him here!!" orders the judge.
When the man is brought to the judge, the judge says "What is going on here? I'm trying to sentence this man and you keep shouting out abuse. What is the meaning of this?"
"I'll tell you why, your honour." says the man, "15 years I've lived next door to that man, and whenever I asked to borrow his hammer, he always said he never had one!"
FailingAcension
Spiffy, eh?
Sonnenritter
Active Member
As a truck driver, I hear too many jokes at times, but one joke i've heard not so long ago, has stuck in my mind like a bad song. it's cheesy as hell, but I'll share just the same.
What do you call a Lot-Lizard(truck-stop-hooker), with a mattress tied to her back?
An Owner Operater.
What do you call a Lot-Lizard(truck-stop-hooker), with a mattress tied to her back?
An Owner Operater.
How many guitarists do you need to change a lamp?
10, one to do it and nine to state they would have done it far better
How many bassists do you need to do it?
10, one to hold the lamp and nine to booze until the room spins
(thanks to the one who posted a similar one so that I got reminded)
10, one to do it and nine to state they would have done it far better
How many bassists do you need to do it?
10, one to hold the lamp and nine to booze until the room spins
(thanks to the one who posted a similar one so that I got reminded
)
FailingAcension
Spiffy, eh?
~UlvedaL~
Where Lost Souls Travel
Well, what´s the comparation(?) between driving a Skoda and fucking pigs??
Its fun until ones friends find out...
mourningstar
Val
- Oct 29, 2001
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rené descartes, the great philosopher, meets a man in the street.
man: master, will it rain tonight?
descartes: i don't think
descartes dies.
*hint: cogito ergo sum*
man: master, will it rain tonight?
descartes: i don't think
descartes dies.
*hint: cogito ergo sum*
mourningstar
Val
- Oct 29, 2001
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george = george w. bush
condi = condoleezza rice
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Tell me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you, sir.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
condi = condoleezza rice
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Tell me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you, sir.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
Ultima Ibanez Overlord
-=The Dude Abides=-
~Zeanra~
Tandtroll
mourningstar
Val
- Oct 29, 2001
- 3,267
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Ultima Ibanez Overlord
-=The Dude Abides=-
mourningstar
Val
- Oct 29, 2001
- 3,267
- 96
- 48
- 44
lizard
Member
Bear Hunting
Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting.
He spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was my cousin, and you have got two choices.
Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.
There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.
Although he survived it would take several months before Frank finally recovered.
Outraged he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting.
He spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was my cousin, and you have got two choices.
Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.
There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.
Although he survived it would take several months before Frank finally recovered.
Outraged he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
mourningstar
Val
- Oct 29, 2001
- 3,267
- 96
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lizard
Member
Dog Care
Three dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, "So why are you here?" The Boxer replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the cat, the kid, but the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The Doberman says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Lethal injection," came the reply from the sad Boxer.
The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are you here?" The Lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman inquired. "Lethal injection," the dejected Labrador said.
The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he's at the vet's office for. "I'm a humper," the Doberman says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and say, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?"
"No, no," the Doberman says, "I'm here to get my nails clipped."
Three dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, "So why are you here?" The Boxer replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the cat, the kid, but the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The Doberman says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Lethal injection," came the reply from the sad Boxer.
The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are you here?" The Lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman inquired. "Lethal injection," the dejected Labrador said.
The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he's at the vet's office for. "I'm a humper," the Doberman says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and say, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?"
"No, no," the Doberman says, "I'm here to get my nails clipped."
lizard
Member
Special Lesson
A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.
She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."
A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.
She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."
lizard
Member
Employee Evaluations
Quotes taken from actual Federal Employees Performance Evaluations
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started todig.
I would not allow this employee to breed.
This employee is not really so much of a has been, but more of a definite won't be.
Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that it's only to change feet.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This employee is depriving a village, somewhere, of an idiot.
This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
Got a full six pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
He doesn't have ulcers, he's a carrier.
I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
He's been working with glue too much.
He would argue with a sign post.
He brings a lot of joy--whenever he leaves the room.
When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Has two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
Takes him two hours to watch 60 minutes.
The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Quotes taken from actual Federal Employees Performance Evaluations
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started todig.
I would not allow this employee to breed.
This employee is not really so much of a has been, but more of a definite won't be.
Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that it's only to change feet.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This employee is depriving a village, somewhere, of an idiot.
This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
Got a full six pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
He doesn't have ulcers, he's a carrier.
I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
He's been working with glue too much.
He would argue with a sign post.
He brings a lot of joy--whenever he leaves the room.
When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Has two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
Takes him two hours to watch 60 minutes.
The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
