Official UM Joke Thread

[Astrum]

stupid as hell, but for some reason I just had to laugh.

 

[Karasu]

Dunno if you've heard of these, but you don't have to be a Star Wars fan in order to like them!

Actual Dirty Star Wars lines

Star Wars : a New Hope


- "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."

- "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"

- "Look at the size of that thing!"

- "Sorry about the mess..."

- "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."

- "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"

- "You've got something jammed in here really good."

- "Put that thing away before you get us all killed!"

- "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"

- "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care *what* you smell!"

- "Get on top of it!", "I'm trying!!!"

- "Did it go in?", "Negative. Just impacted on the surface."


The Empire Strikes Back


- "And I thought they smelled bad...on the *outside*!"

- "Possible he came in through the south entrance."

- "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"

- "Hurry up, golden-rod..."

- "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."

- "But now we must eat. Come, good food, come.." (This was spelled differently on the original site, but I changed it for TOS - OB1AB)

- "Control, control! You must learn control!"

- "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."

- "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"

- "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!"


Return of the Jedi


- "Han, can you reach my lightsaber?"

- "What could possibly have come over Master Luke? Is it something I did?
He never expressed any unhappiness with my work."

- "Hey, point that thing someplace else."

- "I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master."

- "You're a jittery little thing, aren't you?"

- "I never knew I had it in me."

- "Someone must've told them about my little maneuver at the battle of Taanab."

- "There is good in him, I've felt it."

- "If I told you half the things I've heard about this Jabba the Hutt, you'd probably short circuit."

- "I assure you, Lord Vader, my men are working as fast as they can."
Reply "Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them."

- "Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping -- hold on. Grab it, almost...you almost got it.
Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me, Chewie. Chewie!"

- "A little higher, just a little higher."

- "Short help's better than no help at all."

- "She's gonna blow!"

- "I think you'll fit in nicely."

- "Rise, my friend."

- "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one."

- "Back door, huh? Good idea!"

 

[biggsy]

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit. Now it's the box office."

wow... that actually got said to me. i wondered at the hostesses quick wit!

 

[SweptbackFlame]

Dirty Joke Of The Day January 25th, 2007

A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, Do you remember this?"

He looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asks. He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out."

She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?" Again he looks at her and looks her up and down and replies,

"Mission Accomplished."