Official UM Joke Thread

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:D

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:)
 
"Should I have vanilla, chocolate, or tutti-frutti??" I scream.


"I like hamburgers," Tom said, relishing the thought.


"I'll just cross these two electrical wires," Tom said, shocking everyone in the room.


"Is that a ewe or a ram??" Tom asked, sheepishly.


"I haven;t got any servants," Tom said, helplessly.


"I'm going to take this parachute and jump out" Tom explained.


"I think we should have plucked the goose before eating it," Tom said, feeling down in the mouth.





And the best anti-joke ever:

-My snake's got no nose.
-How does it smell??
-It uses its tongue.




:rolleyes:
 
THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF

1. Nuts! My shaft is bent.

2. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

3. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. Look at the size of his putter.

5. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

6. Mind if I join your threesome?

7. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

8. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

9. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

10. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first.
 
As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit. Now it's the box office."
 
:lol:

A prisoner escapes from prison where he had been kept for 15 years.

As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed.

He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..."
 
Here's a few I found...

Two gay men were insistent on having a baby. After their doctor reminded
them there was no biological way they could have a child, he recommended
artificial insemination.

The two agreed but said sperm from BOTH of them had to be used. The
doctor agreed and mixed the two sperm together and completed the process.

Nine months later, a baby was born. The two proud parents were looking
in the baby nursery at several babies. All but one child was screaming to the
top of their lungs. They asked the nurse which baby was theirs and she pointed tothe quiet, well behaved little daring.

"You see Darryl, I told you that was our son!" "Oh yes, Blain, he is just
going to be the best baby ever!"

The nurse interrupted by saying, "You should hear your child scream and
holler when you take the pacifier out of his butt!"

---------

Q. What do you get when you cross Rogaine and Viagra?

A. Don King's hair.

---------

CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE:

These were from a Washington Post contest:

"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"

"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"

"Some Kittens Can Fly!"

"How to Dress Sexy for Grownups"

"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"

"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"

"Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"

"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"

"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"

"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"

"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"

"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"

"Bi-Curious George"

"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"

"You Are Different and That's Bad"
 
OMG this is soooooo wrong!!! But yet soooo funny ahhahaha I dont know weather to commend Sonnenritter or scold him hahahahahahaha :lol: :lol:
 
I thought this might be fun...So each day I'll post a Dirty Joke Of The Day in this thread here's the first one


Dirty Joke Of The Day: December 9th, 2006​
Systematic Riffage said:
It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court, the police had rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and brought them before the judge; three stood before him, all arrested on the same corner. He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself.

The woman was irate, "I don't know what all this is about your honor. I'm a college student doing research for a term paper."

The judge sighed and said, "Well, Miss, I would have thought you'd done enough research by now. My computer says you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine."

He then turned to the second lady and requested her to testify. The woman began crying softly and said, "Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I have no idea why I was arrested."

This time, the Judge shook his head and said, "Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you hand a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine."

He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation.

The woman said simply, "I'm a hooker."

Refreshed at her honesty, the judge laughed and said, "How's business?"

She sneered and replied, "Terrible judge, with all these students and housewives around, I can't turn a single trick."
Click to expand...
 
Had potential, but shit the bed at the end. Here's a good one:

okay, Osama Bin Laden died and went to hell. Hell was full, so satan said he would have to let someone go to heaven to make room for him, and he could take their place. They entered the first room.

There was a guy who had done steriods and killed someone in roid rage, so he had to lift weights for all of eternity, without a single break. Osama said, "No, not this one. I am not very strong."

In the next one, there was a bad man who had drowned in a swimming pool. He had do dive in and do laps over and over again for all of eternity, with no breaks. Osama said, "No way, I suck at swimming."

In the third and final room, there was quite a scene. Bill Clinton was lying down spread eagle, with a womans face between his legs. Osama immedately said, "Sure, I'll take this one."

Satan said, "okay Monica, you're free to go."
 
Faith No More said:
Wasnt very amusing. Keep it up though.
Click to expand...

Yeah i know...but I just post the ones I get in my email everyday lol, sometimes there are great ones

Dirty Joke Of The Day: December 10th, 2006​

Buckwheat and Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla: "How do you spell 'dumb'?"

Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

She says, "Buckwheat is dumb."

The teacher says, "Now spell 'stupid'."

Darla says, "s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."

When the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell 'dictate'."

Buckwheat stands and says, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

Buckwheat ponders for a few seconds, then spurts out, "I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"
Click to expand...

I don't get it :-/
 
AstrumInfinito said:
Had potential, but shit the bed at the end. Here's a good one:

okay, Osama Bin Laden died and went to hell. Hell was full, so satan said he would have to let someone go to heaven to make room for him, and he could take their place. They entered the first room.

There was a guy who had done steriods and killed someone in roid rage, so he had to lift weights for all of eternity, without a single break. Osama said, "No, not this one. I am not very strong."

In the next one, there was a bad man who had drowned in a swimming pool. He had do dive in and do laps over and over again for all of eternity, with no breaks. Osama said, "No way, I suck at swimming."

In the third and final room, there was quite a scene. Bill Clinton was lying down spread eagle, with a womans face between his legs. Osama immedately said, "Sure, I'll take this one."

Satan said, "okay Monica, you're free to go."
Click to expand...

Thats cool
 
Dirty Joke Of The Day: December 11th, 2006​

It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table.

A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

The dealers agree.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."

With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"

She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"
Click to expand...
 
Dirty Joke Of The Day: December 13th, 2006​

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.

"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"

"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.

Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"

The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.

Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
Click to expand...
 
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