post jokez

[Josh Seipp]

This dude dies and goes to heaven cause he was good, and when he gets to the pearly gates St. Peter is like, "well, I'm bored, not many people have been through here today, so why don't I give you a little tour?" So off they go.

First they stop at this raucous barbecue, everyone is laughing and singing and having a great old time. "These are the Baptists," says St. Peter. "They're always a fun bunch to drop in on...man good food, too."

Then they visit the Mormons (boring), the Buddhists (relaxing), the Protestants (sort of frightening) and a whole host of other folks. St. Peter takes a loko at his watch and says "Oh, man, what happened to the time!? I have to run, but I want to show you one more thing. Just be VERY quiet and follow me."

They come up to this huuuuuge wall with a ladder leaning up against it. Peter motions to the dude to climb up the ladder. He does, and peeks over the top and sees a whole bunch of people sitting around playing harps and whatnot. He comes back down and says 'That's weird, what's going on with them?"

St. Peter says, "Oh, they're the Catholics. They think they're the only ones up here."

 

[azal]

What do gay horses eat?



HAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!

 

[xfer]

 

[lizard]

I can't remember if I posted this here: you know those services where deaf people can call an operator and type in a message, and the operator then calls the person the deaf person wants to communicate with, and has to read the message to them? Here its called the Ohio Relay Service.
anyway, listen to msg 14 at http://pacoc.com/relay
if at work or around reverends or small children, wear headphones.

 

[Kitty Star]

So this guy and his 2 friends die in a car accident and they go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gates and lets them in. When they enter the gates they are surrounded by ducks. Ducks EVERYWHERE. They are firmly told by St. Peter "If you step on a duck you will be punished for all eternity."

In an attempt to follow this seemingly impossible rule the 3 men just sit down so they wouldn't step on the ducks. The first guy goes nuts and stands up. He goes to take a step and right away steps on a duck. St. Peter comes down and says "You stepped on a duck, here is your punishment" and chains him to a super ugly annoying chick for all eternity.

The other two guys were scared by this and sat there for a few more weeks. Eventually the second guy couldn't take it anymore and attempts to walk around. He too steps on a duck and gets chained to a super ugly annoying chick for all eternity.

The thrid guy, terrified of his fate, just sits. For months and months he sits. Finally St. Peter comes over one day and chains to him the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. He looks up at her dreamy eyed and said "What did I do to deserve this?" She looks down at him and said "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

Oh Snap!

 

[xfer]

lizard:

http://www.themaydecember.net/Images/robbie/sprintrelay.mp3

 

[lizard]

duck jokes!!

somewhere around here I've got the .wav of donald duck getting a blowjob.

 

[Josh Seipp]

GO AHEAD

x

 

[azal]

that clip is older than the internet.

 

[xfer]

So this little boy has to walk by a whorehouse every day on his way into school. And every day, there is the same prostitute hanging out on the front porch, smoking a cigarette.

And as he walks by, she goes "Hey, little boy..." (picture me doing this little funny wiggle thing with my hand/finger--Alex)

And you know how kids get. So he gets embarassed and hurries by without answering.

This happens every day. He walks by and the same hooker is out there and she's like "Hey, little boy" (picture me doing that same finger thing again--Alex) And every day he turns red and hurries by.

Finally he gathers his courage and the next day when he's walking by, she's like "Hey, little boy..." (again picture me doing that finger thing--Alex) and he says "So...so...why do you do that when you say hi to me?"

And she says, "Well, you're such a little boy, I figure that's about how big your little weenie is. Hee hee hee!" and he turns BRICK red and hurries off while she laughs.

But the kid is determined to get over his embarassment. The next day, he walks by and she's like, "Hello, little boy...!" (picture me doing the hand gesture, please, again--Alex)

and the little boy says: (Picture me doing this thing with my mouth and my hands--Alex) "Hi, lady."

 

[lizard]

but classic!
thx alex

 

[xfer]

wasn't my joke HILARIOUS!

 

[lizard]

your timing was off!

 

[azal]

Brus Vilis ulazi u prodavnicu racunara i kaze "Daj hard!"

 

[xfer]

here is a good one from my uncle:

What do you call a buncha Polish guys wearing turbans?

Pack-o'-Stanleys!

 

[deadair]

josh's joke was the best.

 

[lizard]

We start with some info on a product which many of you will probably want to purchase:"The Porn for Kerry" DVD. Here's some info on it from the Times of India:

The "association of adult filmmakers and political activists" has released a DVD titled 'The Porn for Kerry' on their website, supporting Democraitc presidential hopeful John Kerry.

The adult DVD is described as a part "political satire and part hard core hot sex must-watch" by the group's site pornforprogress.com. All the proceeds from the sales are to be donated to Kerry's campaign. The DVD, priced at $29.99, is short on supply due to its high demand, claims the site.

Since we are a woman, and so just interested in the plots of these kind of DVDs, we were happy to learn that "The Porn for Kerry" has some (and they involve some of our favorite people):

The DVD features a porn star potraying Jenna Bush the first daughter in one of the scenes as Jenteal Bush who has got bigger problems than alcoholism when a group of sexy homeland security agents raid her sorority house.

I bet pillow fights break out!

And the adult film version of President George Bush as, Jorge Bush thought his hot tub business meeting with King Fahk of Sexy Alabia would be, well, all business, while His Highness always knows how to entertain guests with his personal squad of sex minions.

So, does this scenario involve a sexy encounter between George .. . er, Jorge and King, um, Fahk? If so, while probably historically accurate, it doesn't sound all that titillating.

And in one scene, after a particularly heated TV debate, blonde bombshell conservative Ann Cunter (Ann Coulter, conservative political commentator and writer) and quirky comedian Al Frankenbeans (Al Franken, comedian and political satirist ) blow off some steam in the dressing room.

I don't think too much of their porn character names, but because they feature a male/female dalliance (and probably a coed-on-coed one), a male/male political rapprochement, and a transexual/male bumping of the uglies, I have to applaud their efforts at being inclusive.

 

[FalseTodd]

The rabbi from the town of Chelm (Chelm being the classic joke town which is inhabited entirely by shmucks shlameels and nudniks) decides one day to visit the rabbi in the nearby town of Pinsk, so that he might exchange knowledge and wisdom with him. Before his arrival the rabbi of Pinsk hears that he is coming, and makes himself scarce (I mean, who wants to be bothered by the putz from Chelm?) So upon his arrival, the rabbi from Chelm can find noone at the synagogue to talk to except the shamus, the groundskeeper, the lowest rung on the temple's heirarchy of intellect.

They talk for a while, and after a brief lull in the conversation, the shamus says "Hey rabbi, I've just heard a fantastic riddle, would you like to hear it?" And the rabbi thinks to himself 'Ha! As if a shamus is going to be able to stump me, a rabbi, with some dumb riddle!' but he says "Of course I'd like to hear it, go ahead."

"Who is my mother's son, but not my brother?" says the shamus.

Well the rabbi of Chelm is stumped. Completely dumbfounded. No matter how many different ways he turns the words around in his head he cannot think of an answer. minutes pass as he wracks his brain. At last, he gives up.

"Shamus, I am mystified. I cannot think of an answer to your riddle! Tell me, who is your mother's son, but not your brother?"

And the shamus replies: "I am!"

Well the rabbi is simply blown away. That such cleverness could exist in the world! Gleefully, he thanks the shamus and returns to Chelm to tell all the townspeople of this fantastically clever riddle he has learned.

Upon returning to Chelm, he immediately calls a town meeting. With all the people of the town gathered around him he says

"I have learned a fantastic and clever riddle that I would like to share with you all: Who is my mother's son, but not my brother?"

Well, considering that the rabbi of Chelm could not solve this mystery, asking it of the townspeople of Chelm is truly futile. Nevertheless they all furrow their brows and rub their foreheads in deep concentration. Finally, after several minutes one of them says "Rabbi, it is hopeless, we cannot solve this riddle of yours. Please, tell us, who is your mother's son, but not your brother."

And the rabbi replies:
"It's the shamus from Pinsk, of course!"

 

[minxnim]

these jokes are too long can someone dumb this shit down for me?

 

[lizard]

awesome scoop...talentshow.org has scored a copy of Bush's notes taken during last night's debate!