Return Of The Friday Joke!!

[CRUSADER747]

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole
body's responses and functions."

The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and
get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, " We should be the Boss because we do all the work
and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes
until finally the asshole spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched,
the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story:

You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

 

[valanx]

lmao!
good one, and the moral is so very true!

 

[princess_of_the_night2112]

Heeheehee excellent Crusader, very funny and very true as Valanx says!

 

[princess_of_the_night2112]

Imagine if all the major retailers started making their own
condoms but kept the same tag-lines.

SAINSBURY'S CONDOMS- making life taste better
TESCO CONDOMS - every little helps
NIKE CONDOMS - Just do it
PEUGEOT CONDOMS - The ride of your life
GALAXY CONDOMS - Why have rubber when you can have silk
KFC CONDOMS - Finger Licking good
MINSTRELS CONDOMS - melt in your mouth, not in your hand
SAFEWAY CONDOMS - Lightening the load
ABBEY NATIONAL CONDOMS - because life is complicated enough
COCA COLA CONDOMS - The real thing
EVER READY CONDOMS - keep going and going
MACINTOSH CONDOMS - It does more, it costs less, it's that
simple
PRINGLES CONDOMS - once you pop, you can't stop
BURGER KING CONDOMS - Home of the Whopper
GOODYEAR CONDOMS - "for a longer ride, go wide"
FCUK CONDOMS - no comment required
MULLER LIGHT CONDOMS - so much pleasure, but where's the pain?
FLASH CONDOMS - Just sit back, relax and let flash do all the
hardwork
HALFORDS CONDOMS - we go the extra mile
ROYAL MAIL CONDOMS - I saw this and thought of you
ANDREX CONDOMS - Soft, strong and very very long
RENAULT CONDOMS - size really does matter!
RONSEAL CONDOMS - does exactly what it says on the tin
RONSEAL QUICK-DRYING CONDOMS - its dry and waterproof in about
30 minutes
DOMESTOS CONDOMS - gets right under the rim!!
HEINEKEN CONDOMS - reaches parts that other condoms just
cannot reach
CARLSBURG CONDOMS - probably the best condom in the world
MARS CONDOMS - a condom a day helps you work rest and play
AA CONDOMS - the 4th emergency service
PEPPERAMI CONDOMS - it's a bit of an animal
POLO MINT CONDOMS - the condom with the hole!! (VERY poor seller!!)

 

[CRUSADER747]

 

[valanx]

Imagine if all the major retailers started making their own
condoms but kept the same tag-lines.

Lmao !!! Those are great princeless!

 

[CRUSADER747]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."

POOF!!

The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."

POOF!!

The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"

The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

:Spin:

 

[valanx]

Hehe ! Had'nt heard that one...As a great lover of Brunettes that also makes me a great lover of blonde jokes!

If you have anymore mate keep em coming ok

 

[princess_of_the_night2112]

GETTING OLD

The warning signs.....

1. Your house-plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a single bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit - what happened?"
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "breakup."
8. You go from 130 days of holidays to 20.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those f*ckin kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 am would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. If you're a girl, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A £2.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt!!!!.

 

[princess_of_the_night2112]

Got a few jokes for you this morning:-

A guy walks into a doctor's office with a lettuce leaf sticking
out of his ass.

Doctor says, "Hmmmm, that's strange."

The guy replies, "That's just the tip of the iceberg



This guy gets invited to a Halloween party and he has to dress-up for it. About half an hour before he leaves he still doesn't know what he should dress-up as. Then he gets an idea. He takes off all his clothes and then puts just his pants on, goes to the party and knocks on the door. A woman answered and asked, "what are you supposed to be?" The man replied "I'm a pre-mature ejaculation, I just came in my pants."



A middle-aged woman reads a magazine article which claims that, as women get older, their fannies grow. Concerned about this (and her husband’s reaction), she decides to carry out her own test. She places a mirror on the bathroom floor and stands over it, legs apart. While looking down, her husband happens to walk past. ‘Watch out!’ he cries and jumps at her, pushing her over. ‘What are you doing?’ the woman shouts. ‘You could have broken my arm!’ ‘Don’t be so ungrateful,’ her husband replies. ‘If you’d fallen down there, you could have broken your neck.’




THE TRAIN

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, Cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to store all of your hand luggage under your seat. remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen."

 

[CRUSADER747]

Hehe ! Had'nt heard that one...As a great lover of Brunettes that also makes me a great lover of blonde jokes!

If you have anymore mate keep em coming ok

To be quite honest Valanx, i have always preferred blondes (can't pull any though)

 

[princess_of_the_night2112]

To be quite honest Valanx, i have always preferred blondes (can't pull any though)

Hehehehe well you're obviously not trying hard enough Crusader. What to do when you see a nice blonde haired lady you fancy standing at the bar is just to ask the barman what she's drinking and send her over a drink. Trust me, girls love that sort of stuff, and you'll be right in there before you know what's hit you.

I must admit, I've always preferred long darkhaired rockers myself - the only trouble is there aren't any in the town where I live. Quite a bit of talent can be found in the Solid Rock Cafe in Glasgow but I'm usually only in there for a few quickies before I head off to see a band. Must make a point of just going to the Solid Rock and staying there all night - who knows what I might pick up!!!!!

 

[WILKS]

Somethings dont improve then:Spin:

 

[valanx]

Must make a point of just going to the Solid Rock and staying there all night - who knows what I might pick up!!!!!

Then Princeless will have a Prince and she will be Princess, best of luck!

I liked your advice princess, but did you mean (for crusader) "I tell the barman to tell the gorgeous babe what I am drinking" the results of that one can be very unpredictable but always interesting i assure you

Also, i dont mind blondes really, as long as they are rock chicks or those hippie types, but above all and always its brunnette for me, dont care what they are or what they like, they can be converted to the metal faith anyway lol

 

[Sammi951]

ask the barman what she's drinking and send her over a drink. Trust me, girls love that sort of stuff, and you'll be right in there before you know what's hit you.

I must admit, I've always preferred long darkhaired rockers myself

Doesn't that stuff only happen in cheesy films? It would be a very good barman who could remember what everyone was drinking!!

Can agree with you on the long dark haired rockers though, wouldn't say no myself!! :Spin:

 

[Sammi951]

"I tell the barman to tell the gorgeous babe what I am drinking"

Now, that one I like!! I do like a cheeky man

 

[princess_of_the_night2112]

Doesn't that stuff only happen in cheesy films? It would be a very good barman who could remember what everyone was drinking!!

Yeah I wouldn't have believed it myself but it actually happened to me TWICE within the space of about a month. And both times the barman knew what I was drinking but that was only cos the pub was quite quiet. I got all excited the first time when the barman just came up with the drink and said "That's from the guy half way down the bar". I was really hoping it was going to be from a hunky longhaired rocker but unfortunately it was just a guy I used to go to school with and hadn't seen for quite a few years mainly cos he'd been banged up (in jail I mean!!!!!). And the second time, again it was another guy I used to go to school with and hadn't seen for about 10 years. What an anti-climax I tell you.

 

[Sammi951]

Yeah, that sounds like about as much luck as I'd have as well!! Mind you, at least you got two free drinks out of it, so there's always a silver lining!

 

[Paxoman]

Can agree with you on the long dark haired rockers though, wouldn't say no myself!! :Spin:

Pardon?!

 

[princess_of_the_night2112]

Pardon?!

.

Is Sammi your girlfriend then Paxoman????