Someone doesn't like music ;)

[Dark_Jester]

I found the funniest site in quite a while today, type in the name of your favourite band to see why exactly this bitter and angry man hates it

http://www.chthonicionic.net/bile/

To give an example, this is what he thought of Dark Tranquillity:

I've tried to wipe Dark Tranquillity's The Gallery from my mind, but, for you, here's what I can remember...

To be honest, it's been a long time since I've heard an album quite this bad. I do this for a living, and you won't believe the shit you get sent as the 'Next Big Thing'. Take The Dividing Line for example - if I'd wanted a recording of little bits of aural shit dripping into my brain I'd have asked for it. Take it away and put it out of it's misery. Please. Just because the whole album stinks doesn't mean you can get away with offerings like The Gallery - I'm still reeling from the onslaught of what sounds like a late 80s mobile phone ring. Midway Through Infinity? No, no, no, no and no. Horrible. Like what rancid butter smells like.

Lethe is simply terrible. That's it, no further explanation needed. Track ten, Wine Is The Grandeur isn't that bad. Ha ha. Got you. It's just a tiny bit worse than, say, the sound of my grandmother singing in the shower just after someone's turned on the hot water tap downstairs. Luckily a glitch on the CD caused Of Melancholy Burning to skip and refuse to play. Well, at least I hope that is what was happening - for all I know that was what Dark Tranquillity intended it to sound like.

Type your favourite band name and enjoy the bile

 

[rahvin]

that's not fair! i invented hate-reviews, hate-mails, and generally all things hateful that do not really rely on fact to flame the other guy blind!

oh, but that's good: the link doesn't work.

rahvin.

 

[Dark_Jester]

Edited the link, it works now

 

[Miolo]

"wine is the grandeur" is a wonderful title.

Miolo

 

[Incendiare]

Great site.

 

[Naku ist krig]

Thanks for the link..
Now I can think if i should by the newest of Metallica, review recommends:
"In fact, I wish Metallica had never been born"

 

[Tebus]

Great damn stuff.

 

[mousewings]

He hates David Gray, Sentenced, C.O.C., and Down.

Dead In The Water is a perversion that may actually appeal to a small group of sick fucks hiding in a basement somewhere in Illinois.

I love that DG song...

 

[Thanatos]

 

[Hiljainen]

he surely hates Dream Theater too

What do i think about dream theater's metropolis part 2: scenes from a memory? i don't think you are going to like this...
The sound of little bits of aural shit dripping into my brain is nothing compared to the dire track 2, Overture 1928. Track 4, Through My Words is about as hip as my father's attempts at the Lambada. It's a vision of hell that not many people live to see, I promise you. To be honest, it's been a long time since I've heard an album quite this bad. I do this for a living, and you won't believe the shit you get sent as the 'Next Big Thing'. Take track five, Fatal Tragedy for example - if I'd wanted a recording of my dentist's favourite drill bits being plunged into the living tooth-pulp over and over again while he hums "Shaddapaya face" gently to himself I'd have asked for it. Take it away and put it out of it's misery. Please.

The chorus of track six, Beyond This Life will haunt me for years to come, sounding as it does like my own personal hell. How many times does Dream Theater need to tell us all about their miserable fucking life? Track seven, Through Her Eyes just reeks of teenage bedroom poetry and should have stayed there. It's things like Home that makes people want to kill each other.

In fact, I wish Dream Theater had never been born.

 

[rahvin]

What do i think about dream theater's metropolis part 2: scenes from a memory? i don't think you are going to like this...
The sound of little bits of aural shit dripping into my brain is nothing compared to the dire track 2, Overture 1928. Track 4, Through My Words is about as hip as my father's attempts at the Lambada. It's a vision of hell that not many people live to see, I promise you. To be honest, it's been a long time since I've heard an album quite this bad. I do this for a living, and you won't believe the shit you get sent as the 'Next Big Thing'. Take track five, Fatal Tragedy for example - if I'd wanted a recording of my dentist's favourite drill bits being plunged into the living tooth-pulp over and over again while he hums "Shaddapaya face" gently to himself I'd have asked for it. Take it away and put it out of it's misery. Please.

The chorus of track six, Beyond This Life will haunt me for years to come, sounding as it does like my own personal hell. How many times does Dream Theater need to tell us all about their miserable fucking life? Track seven, Through Her Eyes just reeks of teenage bedroom poetry and should have stayed there. It's things like Home that makes people want to kill each other.

In fact, I wish Dream Theater had never been born.

i cannot understand why this review should be fake.

rahvin.

 

[Hiljainen]

pfffffffffffffffffffffff

 

[hyena]

i won't mention what this site is saying about bad religion cos it makes me all yucky.

 

[Toorop]

Pfffff....it looks like a random bad review generator: the same sentences go over and over again. I think ther's a database with lots of albums and songtitles and the program that generates the review takes at random a songtitle with a bad thing to say on it.

 

[Dark_Jester]

Yeah, that was the idea. I still find it amusing though

 

[Static]

What do I think about Storm of the Light's Bane: Where Dead Angels Lie by Dissection? I'll tell you what I think...

Track three, Unhallowed is beyond belief. It sounds like the last gasp of a boiling lobster. Seventeen people died whilst track five, Retribution -- Storm of the Light's Bane was being created. I can only say that they are the lucky ones and missed out on what sounds like a pre-teen violinist playing scales over and over in some desperate attempt to make music, tears running down their chubby cheeks with every screech. Sticking my fingers in my ears made Thorns of Crimson Death sound a whole lot better, but not as much as putting an axe through my CD player.

I've heard better tunes than No Dreams Breed in Breathless Sleep from my digital watch, on the hour, every hour. It is difficult to stop yourself from throwing a brick at your CD player when tosh like track 12, Feathers Fell comes out of it on a regular basis.

In fact, I despise every second of Dissection's creation.​

 

[Steve]

It has some song/album titles put into a randomizing script, then posted here. Morons... easy to do, stupid and pointless, like maddox...

steve

 

[Steve]

Hmm, you've got me there. I've never heard of "enter chaos" ...​

... but I'm sure it's like bad bluegrass novelty hits.

 

[Steve]

Put in "detonation"

You like Damnation? Oh dear. You're not going to like what I thought of Damnation...To Salvation...

I've heard better things than Cookbook at my son's playschool end of term concert in which every small child has been given something to make a noise with regardless of talent, motivation or the ability to count to four without drooling. The CD age is a boon to music reviewers - the skip track function was designed specifically to alleviate the sound of Morning Dew. Thirteen years of therapy and still I'm reduced to a gibbering wreck by things like Le Voyage.

Like the last gasp of a boiling lobster, track 4, You Don't Love Me is only really listenable after carefully inserting your fists into your ears. Don't worry about getting them out again - there's more on this album you'll want to not hear too. Luckily a glitch on the CD caused track eight, Hold On to skip and refuse to play. Well, at least I hope that is what was happening - for all I know that was what Damnation intended it to sound like. The chorus of No Way will haunt me for years to come, sounding as it does like a late 80s mobile phone ring.

In fact, a fruits of the forest yoghurt has more cultural significance.

 

[Steve]

In Flames' Jester Race, an object lesson in filth...

People have accused my reviews of being generated by a computer. Well, of course they are. You think anyone in their right mind would listen to In Flames all day? I'm all digital baby. Track three, Artifacts Of The Black Rain? No, no, no, no and no. Horrible. Like a dawn chorus of cows slowly being ground into mince for the cheap meat market. To be honest, it's been a long time since I've heard an album quite this bad. I do this for a living, and you won't believe the shit you get sent as the 'Next Big Thing'. Take track 5, Lord Hypnos for example - if I'd wanted a recording of a boil on backside of the gentle 70s synthesiser pap used to make porn more interesting I'd have asked for it. Take it away and put it out of it's misery. Please.

Track seven, The Jester Race is so so. So, so, so fucking awful, that is. The CD age is a boon to music reviewers - the skip track function was designed specifically to alleviate the sound of track eight, December Flower. In Flames sound like 'Ben' played backwards through a pig's rectum throughout the apocalyptic mess that is track 9, Wayfaerer.

In fact, I'm scared In Flames will reproduce and foist a new generation of crud on us.




BLASPHEMY!!!!!!!!!