MONTREAL, QUEBEC Stock markets plunged, riots broke out in nearly every major city, and pandemonium raged across most of the United States this week as the nation, already on edge since September 11, learned that Canadian death metal veterans Kataklysm refused to embark on further American tours, citing poor treatment of bands at the hands of clubs and promoters.
"Im sorry to have caused so much distress and upheaval in the U.S.," commented vocalist Maurizio Iacono from his home in Toronto. "However, I cant help but point out that maybe now people will know what weve suffered through. The United States created this situation, one cancelled guarantee, one missed meal buyout, and one inadequate sound system at a time. We have to take a stand here."
President Bush, who has declared a state of martial law and given the National Guard orders to shoot looters on sight, has appealed to Kataklysm to change their minds. "For too long, this nation has turned a blind eye to the needs of touring death metal bands, and for that, we are all, as a nation, ever so sorry," he said in a speech taped at an undisclosed Air Force bunker and broadcast via television and radio to the few remaining areas of the country with power. "I pledge today, however, that this will change, and we all will pull together and support the scene. But please, for the sake of all that is brutal and hyperblasting, end this boycott and bring peace to our land."
Attorney General John Ashcroft has asked the surviving members of Congress to approve emergency legislation allowing the FBI to detain without trial music journalists, webzine editors, and even citizens who post on message boards, if their comments "arouse the wrath of Kataklysm and further inflame this deteriorating situation." "Were in a crisis that jeopardizes the very future of this great nation," Ashcroft commented, "and the last thing we need is some rabble-rousing metal reviewer claiming the bands best days are behind them, ranking them out for that shitty hardcore record [1998s Victims of This Fallen World] they did, or calling them a bunch of whiners for griping about the touring conditions every band has to deal with in this country. If anyone pulls that, they might never change their minds, and our nation could be lost."
When a reporter asked if the government would limit the free speech of writers comparing the band unfavorably to Cryptopsy, Ashcroft paled visibly and pressed a red button on his podium. Seconds later, armed guards burst into the room and dragged the reporter away. His whereabouts remain unknown.
President Bushs advisors have drafted an emergency plan which calls for the mandatory purchase of Kataklysms newest CD, Epic: The Poetry of War, by every adult U.S. citizen. In addition, the Coast Guard is being mobilized to ferry hundreds of Americans to Canada to stand in Iaconos front yard and sing "We love you Kataklysm, oh yes we do" in an effort to change the bandleaders mind. Outgoing New York City mayor Rudolph Giuliani has promised the use of Yankee Stadium, "any day, any time," for Kataklysms first concert back on US soil.
"Underground, anti-mainstream music and musicians have a long, proud history of being accepted and embraced by this country," Giuliani said, touring a partially bombed-out elementary school where the remaining children were hard at work painting a giant "PLEASE COME BACK KATAKLYSM" banner to send to Canada. "Unfortunately, with this fine band, we slipped up somewhere, and now our country is paying the price. I just hope that in our lifetimes, we can see a return to normalcy in New York and in this great nation, that death metal bands can once again criss-cross these United States in broke-dick vans and RVs, playing in front of 75 people a night and eking out a malnourished living off of T-shirt sales. For the sake of these children, I pray to God it happens."
The Office of Homeland Security has denied reports that Withered Earth, Epoch of Unlight, and Prosthetic Cunt have threatened to join the boycott, calling such information "mere scare tactics designed to frighten our already suffering people."
What's all this about?
"Im sorry to have caused so much distress and upheaval in the U.S.," commented vocalist Maurizio Iacono from his home in Toronto. "However, I cant help but point out that maybe now people will know what weve suffered through. The United States created this situation, one cancelled guarantee, one missed meal buyout, and one inadequate sound system at a time. We have to take a stand here."
President Bush, who has declared a state of martial law and given the National Guard orders to shoot looters on sight, has appealed to Kataklysm to change their minds. "For too long, this nation has turned a blind eye to the needs of touring death metal bands, and for that, we are all, as a nation, ever so sorry," he said in a speech taped at an undisclosed Air Force bunker and broadcast via television and radio to the few remaining areas of the country with power. "I pledge today, however, that this will change, and we all will pull together and support the scene. But please, for the sake of all that is brutal and hyperblasting, end this boycott and bring peace to our land."
Attorney General John Ashcroft has asked the surviving members of Congress to approve emergency legislation allowing the FBI to detain without trial music journalists, webzine editors, and even citizens who post on message boards, if their comments "arouse the wrath of Kataklysm and further inflame this deteriorating situation." "Were in a crisis that jeopardizes the very future of this great nation," Ashcroft commented, "and the last thing we need is some rabble-rousing metal reviewer claiming the bands best days are behind them, ranking them out for that shitty hardcore record [1998s Victims of This Fallen World] they did, or calling them a bunch of whiners for griping about the touring conditions every band has to deal with in this country. If anyone pulls that, they might never change their minds, and our nation could be lost."
When a reporter asked if the government would limit the free speech of writers comparing the band unfavorably to Cryptopsy, Ashcroft paled visibly and pressed a red button on his podium. Seconds later, armed guards burst into the room and dragged the reporter away. His whereabouts remain unknown.
President Bushs advisors have drafted an emergency plan which calls for the mandatory purchase of Kataklysms newest CD, Epic: The Poetry of War, by every adult U.S. citizen. In addition, the Coast Guard is being mobilized to ferry hundreds of Americans to Canada to stand in Iaconos front yard and sing "We love you Kataklysm, oh yes we do" in an effort to change the bandleaders mind. Outgoing New York City mayor Rudolph Giuliani has promised the use of Yankee Stadium, "any day, any time," for Kataklysms first concert back on US soil.
"Underground, anti-mainstream music and musicians have a long, proud history of being accepted and embraced by this country," Giuliani said, touring a partially bombed-out elementary school where the remaining children were hard at work painting a giant "PLEASE COME BACK KATAKLYSM" banner to send to Canada. "Unfortunately, with this fine band, we slipped up somewhere, and now our country is paying the price. I just hope that in our lifetimes, we can see a return to normalcy in New York and in this great nation, that death metal bands can once again criss-cross these United States in broke-dick vans and RVs, playing in front of 75 people a night and eking out a malnourished living off of T-shirt sales. For the sake of these children, I pray to God it happens."
The Office of Homeland Security has denied reports that Withered Earth, Epoch of Unlight, and Prosthetic Cunt have threatened to join the boycott, calling such information "mere scare tactics designed to frighten our already suffering people."
What's all this about?
