I hope everyone enjoys this. A few of the eagle-eyed among you might spot some (intentional) Queensryche and WASP references 
. Feedback is welcome!
W
. Feedback is welcome!W
Something of mine for y'all to read
- Thread starter Wrathchild
- Start date
That was rather cool Wrathy!
"Be careful what you wish for. Yesterday is the foundation of tomorrow."
I like that quote, tis great
As for feedback, I dont know if theres much I can give seeing as Im not a writer, but I shall say this, can you imagine meeting a woman who knew everything about you, including your dreams and all your darkest secrets? Freaks the *hell* out of me.......!
P.S. Before Sydo gets here, id like to add
WASP!!
P.P.S. I dont know if it happened to anyone else, but when i downloaded the writing it didnt show up properly, im presuming because I dont have word? I could still read it fine though
"Be careful what you wish for. Yesterday is the foundation of tomorrow."
I like that quote, tis great
As for feedback, I dont know if theres much I can give seeing as Im not a writer, but I shall say this, can you imagine meeting a woman who knew everything about you, including your dreams and all your darkest secrets? Freaks the *hell* out of me.......!
P.S. Before Sydo gets here, id like to add
WASP!!
P.P.S. I dont know if it happened to anyone else, but when i downloaded the writing it didnt show up properly, im presuming because I dont have word? I could still read it fine though
phlogiston
Bejabbers!
OK, I'm offering this in the spirit of constructive critism. Take note that I'm not an expert, just a schlum who knows what he likes, and has co-incidentaly been reading a bit of horror/suspence short fiction recently.
Point 1 - I think the entire story would improve without the last paragraph. It just seems a bit weak, for want of a better term. It's got a stronger ending without it. Maybe try and infer it in the preceeding paragraph, but don't state it explicitly.
Point 2 - "My head swam with a thousand questions about what I'd just agreed to, but I knew better than to ask them". He didn't agree to anything, he asked her.
Point 3 - "I stood at the foot of a long, rickety...." This whole section is a bit clunky to me. It's not clear that he's walking along a bridge for the whole section, or where she is standing to begin with. Maybe make her stand at the foot of the bridge before he catches up to her. And why does it end at the middle of the bridge? Although it kinda makes sense as well. Maybe the bridge should get shorter as he walks along it, but now I've though about it, that sounds contrived. I don't know. If I new, I'd be a writer too. But that's your job.
And how is he seeing the scenes? Are they spread out around him while he walks through them, or is he looking over the edge. I know I've gotta do a little work as a reader, but just a hint on how to see it would be good.
Point 4 - "....better way to stay alive for four hundred years..."
She broke off in mid-sentence. "You don't believe me, do you?" Why did she break off? Unless she read his mind! Ahhh, I get it now. But maybe she should pause mid sentence, rather than breaking. The way it's written makes it sound like she just changes sentences halfway through, which is not how I (notice the I) read it.
Point 5 - Again, this is just the way I read it:
I had no choice but to join her after that, though I did my best to keep a respectful distance between us.
...
..
...
She draped an arm around my shoulders. "All in good time..."
She must have really long arms.
Point 6 - "Oh now don't look so surprised," she tutted. "I send them to everybody once in a while."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"Don't worry, I'll explain everything.
She didn't explain it, and it doesn't seem necessary in the context of the rest of the story.
Just a few niggles, aside from that I thought it was good. If you think I'm talking out my arse with some or all of these, then feel free to tell me to fuck off. And believe me, when I say something is good, that is high praise from me indeed. Very rarely do I read great or excellent stuff.
And for the record, I didn't pick up the Queensreich or Wasp references.
I guess I'm not familiar enough with their stuff.
Man I love being a critic!
Point 1 - I think the entire story would improve without the last paragraph. It just seems a bit weak, for want of a better term. It's got a stronger ending without it. Maybe try and infer it in the preceeding paragraph, but don't state it explicitly.
Point 2 - "My head swam with a thousand questions about what I'd just agreed to, but I knew better than to ask them". He didn't agree to anything, he asked her.
Point 3 - "I stood at the foot of a long, rickety...." This whole section is a bit clunky to me. It's not clear that he's walking along a bridge for the whole section, or where she is standing to begin with. Maybe make her stand at the foot of the bridge before he catches up to her. And why does it end at the middle of the bridge? Although it kinda makes sense as well. Maybe the bridge should get shorter as he walks along it, but now I've though about it, that sounds contrived. I don't know. If I new, I'd be a writer too. But that's your job.
And how is he seeing the scenes? Are they spread out around him while he walks through them, or is he looking over the edge. I know I've gotta do a little work as a reader, but just a hint on how to see it would be good.
Point 4 - "....better way to stay alive for four hundred years..."
She broke off in mid-sentence. "You don't believe me, do you?" Why did she break off? Unless she read his mind! Ahhh, I get it now. But maybe she should pause mid sentence, rather than breaking. The way it's written makes it sound like she just changes sentences halfway through, which is not how I (notice the I) read it.
Point 5 - Again, this is just the way I read it:
I had no choice but to join her after that, though I did my best to keep a respectful distance between us.
...
..
...
She draped an arm around my shoulders. "All in good time..."
She must have really long arms.
Point 6 - "Oh now don't look so surprised," she tutted. "I send them to everybody once in a while."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"Don't worry, I'll explain everything.
She didn't explain it, and it doesn't seem necessary in the context of the rest of the story.
Just a few niggles, aside from that I thought it was good. If you think I'm talking out my arse with some or all of these, then feel free to tell me to fuck off. And believe me, when I say something is good, that is high praise from me indeed. Very rarely do I read great or excellent stuff.
And for the record, I didn't pick up the Queensreich or Wasp references.
I guess I'm not familiar enough with their stuff.Man I love being a critic!
Yep, those who cant, do, and those who criticise can. Wait, thats not right, its: Those who don't, can, and those who can't, don't. Wait thats wrong too...... Ok, its: Those who don't, can't, and those who can, won't. Oh crap, hang on, maybe its: Those who won't, will, those that criticise don't.
Erm...... nevermind.
Thanks Phloggy, both for taking the time to read it and for putting a bit more thought into your comments rather than just "it was good" or "it sucked."
I would comment on some of the points you raised, but that reeks of defensiveness. Far from being just "a schlum who knows what he likes", you read as much and as widely as I do, so your opinion as a reader is more important to me than that of an opium-crazed literary snob who spends all day with his nose up his backside.
For the record, the whole thing was loosely based on Queensryche's "The Lady Wore Black", seasoned with the memory of conversations with someone special long ago and far away (well all right, a year and a bit, but that's hardly the point!)
and helped along by all the Clive Barker I've been reading lately. A good mix of ingredients there, which perhaps should have been cooked a little longer.
W
I would comment on some of the points you raised, but that reeks of defensiveness
. Far from being just "a schlum who knows what he likes", you read as much and as widely as I do, so your opinion as a reader is more important to me than that of an opium-crazed literary snob who spends all day with his nose up his backside. For the record, the whole thing was loosely based on Queensryche's "The Lady Wore Black", seasoned with the memory of conversations with someone special long ago and far away (well all right, a year and a bit, but that's hardly the point!)
and helped along by all the Clive Barker I've been reading lately. A good mix of ingredients there, which perhaps should have been cooked a little longer
.W
