This week in metal: Volume 2


Apr 14, 2001
This week in metal: Volume 2! (A little late, but its here...)

Slipknot singer arrested on bizzare charge in Thorkhill, VA.
This morning Slipknot singer (A.k.a ) was arrested on charges of "Excessive Whining" by the local police chief Steve Thorpe, on instructions from the Mayor. A little known addendum to the towns charter, that was actually a remnant from the 1870s, in order to keep Black Sabbath out of the state on their first US tour, was put into practice when Slipknot arrived at the arena to soundcheck for their evening concert.
"Not in this town" was all the police chief had to say when questioned on if this was a violation of the singers first amendment rights.
Punishment for "excessive whining" can range from a small fine, to the offender being set loose in a field and hunted for sport, something the town has been calling for since the singers arrest.

A local bounty hunter, who wishes to remain anonymous, told us that the entire town has been waiting for Korn to come and play a show here, but so far efforts to lure them here have been "pointless". "But we dont give up easy" he added with a toothless smile.
Children Of Bodom guitarist changes vocal styles.
A press conference was called today where Children Of Bodom guitarist Alexei Laiho announced he was now going to reverse his vocal style, and sing in his normal speaking voice, and speak in his black metal style.
When asked by a reporter if he had anything to say, Alexei screamed unintelligably, pulling faces and sticking his tongue out on more than one occasion. This was later found out to be a request for a Coca Cola and a pizza.
Blaze Bayley pokes tongue out at Steve Harris, declares "Told you I could do better".
Fear Factory announce final album to be "Influenced by the past"
"We are just going to write about dinosaurs basically".
Jason Newsted on life in Metallica
"Even the toilets were off limits to me, I had to go find a bush outside. I once asked Lars for some bread to make a sandwich and he made me crawl naked across broken glass for it, then he gave it to Kirk anyway! So yeah, I was beginning to think I would quit around the end of the black album tour, but Lars told me I wasnt allowed to think, so I just plowed ahead as best i could".
Layne Staleys final interview, talks about settling down and finally writing the great American novel.
J.R.R. Tolkein estate sues every power metal band ever.
Huge fan of Risk found, even Megadeth shocked.
"Theres always some weird pervert for every fetish in the world, so I guess it was only a matter of time before someone like this was found, but yeah, I did think it was a joke when I was told..." frontman Dave Mustaine said to reporters.
Kiss sues over reissue misprint.
"It was never called Smashes, Thrashes and Shit".
I was actually going to do a metal satire site last year but couldn't be bothered. Anyway, here's all I could come up with:

Iron Maiden re-release albums "just for the hell of it".

Neil Peart progresses to 4/4 time sig

One-armed drummers continually inspired by Rick Allen

Guns N Roses reform, split two hours later; cite 'musical differences'.

"KISS name won't be completely milked for another five years" – Gene Simmons

Poison party like it's 1989.

German power metal band influenced by German power metal.

Creed announces plans for new album, allegiance with Satan.

Jon Bon Jovi still not sure who that guy playing bass is.

Metallica "regrets last ten years," stops short of apologising.

Manowar participates in exorcism – "The power of metal compels you!" Joey DiMaio claims.