What right does anyone have to tell you how to feel?

[Slash Freeman]

'cos i've got a friend who seems to think she does. plus she is so totally convnced she is right even when she doesn't know the people involved or the recent situation. there is only one person who has a right to tell me what to feel, and even then you can't decide what you feel. she can ask, and i can try but theres no "you must do this" crap.

 

[Angelwitch]

keep that in mind; NONE has the right to tell you how you should feel! Not even the person that your feelings direct her! Your souls is yours. And its pain or joy is yours and it belongs to none else but you.

So dont let the others to decide what you should feel.

 

[BOLTTHROWER]

just a thought.(maybe a lot more than you care to hear but here goes)...

the sense of violation and indignation that hits us when others tell us what to do, think etc. comes from us mistakenly viewing this as a matter of "rights."

it's akin to having very rigid, absolutistic "shoulds" "oughts" and "musts" about the world. saying "that person has no right to tell me how to feel" is like saying "that person must not tell me how to feel." well, guess what? that person *is" doing just that. in fact, people do stuff like that all the time.

technically, there are only a few things that "should" "ought" and "must" not be (physical laws govern those) -- everything else we demand of the world are actually PREFERENCES. We in our foolishness only elevate them to god-like commands ("shoulds" "oughts" and "musts") and thereby when those "commands" are violated by other people, we suffer great distress.

The point is to readjust our thinking -- not that you have to accept any rude behavior from your friend, but you certainly don't need to compound the problem of being slighted by making it an issue of your "rights" being violated or your friend doing something she *must* not do. that only exacerbates your distress by making you feel like something monumental has been attacked, assaulted or threatened (when in fact, it's only your preference that's been violated -- and quite frankly, she may not even be aware that you feel that way).

anyway, all of this is a massive simplification of type of psychological thinking called COGNITIVE THERAPY (the "should/ought/must" aspect more fully covered by a guy named Albert Ellis and his Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy).

i know it probably sounds cult-like and creepy for me to suddenly spill all this stuff...(it's not scientology or any of that crap it's actual repsected science!) but i came upon it years ago and it has seriously changed the way i live in this world (it's also the one psychotherapy whose effectiveness is backed up with serious empirical evidence).

anyway, i hope it helps...

 

[IRoN]

Originally posted by BOLTTHROWER


anyway, i hope it helps...

Well, thanks mate, it certainly helped me .

 

[IRoN]

Btw, Kyle, I think you must, should, and ought to feel regret for having posted this thread.

 

[Slash Freeman]

Iron: I htink you maybe right! Sorry, guys.

but anyway. the original problem is over, the one that caused the argument between me and my friend. however, my friend is now getting angry at me for shouting at her after she started shouting at me and not listening to the things i was saying, or so it seemed!

anyway, hopefully, this will be sorted out soon because i've just sent her an e-mail with my greivances and some good news. hopefully, she will realise that she was also "in the wrong" and we can put this behing us.

 

[BOLTTHROWER]

not to belabor the point (or beat the dead horse) but...

clearly, the only way your friend could be pissed now is if she's thinking "How dare she get angry at me for saying what I thought? I have the *right* to express my opinions. My friend *must* not get angry at me for speaking my mind!"

The obvious distortions here are making a simple disagreement into a federal case and the use of shoulds/oughts -- you can see the difference in a more reasonable attitude (and feel the emotional difference) if she'd thought, "Dammit, that sucks that my friend is mad at me. I'd really PREFER that she not get mad when I speak my mind but it certainly won't kill me. Obviously our ways of communication are crossing wires because we're both getting pissed by simply talking. Maybe there's a better way to do this..."

 

[Slash Freeman]

first things first, Boltthower: you had a slight mix up of gender. my friend is a she, but i'm a he, no matter what The spark.com might think! don't worry about it, though.

yeah, the reason we got so pissed at each other is becuase, i htink, we have different views of the same subject but we weren't expressing them as views, we were both saying them in a "this is right"-kind of way. she was thinking i would benefit from her experince in the matter but i didn't want to know her expriences because i think that a person should make their own views of love depending on their own experiences, not other peoples.

anyway, think/hope we have stopped arguing now, but we're not as close friends as we were, which is something i've known for a long time anyway. she never liked me having feelings for Laura in the first place....