A friend emailed me this, and I had a good laugh. 
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HOW TO FORM A NU-METAL BAND IN 11 EASY STEPS" from this month's Metal Hammer mag:
1: Firstly, you need to be between the ages of 18 and 24, preferably breathing, and have two hands (not always necessary though).
2: Image is very, very important, so get kitted out with some baggy shorts or pants and a big wallet chain. Hair should be spiky, shaven or short -- no mullets or longhairs here!
3: A great name is pretty important, so write out a list of inanimate objects and combine any two for a band name. Where possible, no Cs or Ss -- only Ks and Zs. Here is a list and a few "examplez": Nose, chain, box, bleed, plank, boy, spider, wagon, trouzaz, shed, monkey, mutha, spanner, horse, fire, rocket, kill, kake, wallet, blast, chokolate, floppy. Now combine: Floppy Trouzaz, Wallet-Wagon, Kake-Box etc. This is good fun, so feel free to add more to the list.
4: Oh yeah, I almost forgot: Guitars are pretty important too so buy an Ibanez seven-string and downtune it until every string is as slack as a 50-year old Dutch prostitute. Then learn some easy single-note riffs and the occasional fifth-fret harmonic. Five minutes' practice should be enough before you are ready to play with the rest of the band. If you are a bass player, buy an Ibanez 5 or 6-string and do the same downtuning treatment as the guitar, but only use the top six frets. If you downtune it enough, then your bass should sound as low and farty as your granny after six helpings of cabbage, broccoli and sprouts at Christmas dinner.
5: Employ a pointless DJ and a singer who can "rap" (call him an Emcee) and claim you have always loved hip-hop as well as metal.
6: State that guitar solos are pointless, shit, self-indulging fretboard masturbation, when in fact you just can't play them and in secret you worship Steve Vai, Yngwie Malmsteen, Joe Satriani and Jeff Beck and the rest of the shred movement.
7: Write three-minute, commercial songs about how fucked-up your nice, steady, middle-class upbringing was, with a rap verse and a shouty chorus with loads of swearing to show how "4 REAL" you are. This is the key to success -- sell out before you even sell.
8: Claim NOT to be nu-metal and invent your own stupid-ass genre, like "GardenCore" or "WardrobeCore" or "Nicely-Trimmed Privet Hedge-Core" and tell the press you've been in a band for ten years or so. When they question this, stating that if that is true, you must've been in a band when you were eight years old, swear loudly at them and call your agent.
9: Even if you perfect the first 8, it don't mean shit unless you move to the USA and get a cheesey gimmick. Wearing Y-fronts on your head, dressing in chef's uniforms or using poo as facepaint should do the trick.
10: Number 10 is the ultimate clincher -- you MUSTcover an awful 80s pop song! This will be your first single, or your second one if your first single was crap *cough, cough*Alien Ant Farm*cough*Limp Bizkit*cough, cough*. Something by MC Hammer, Spandau Ballet, Frankie Goes to Hollywood, George Michael or Michael Jackson should be appropriate.
11: Congratulations! If you have done all this correctly, you should now record an album ("the heaviest fuckin' thing ever") filled with 50 guest-appearances from members of other nu-metal bands. If possible, get Ross Robinson to produce it and bribe him to say "This is the craziest, heaviest shit I've ever heard! These guys are 4 REAL!". Your album should sell 5,000,000 copies and get constant radio play before you split up because you are too rich to continue and your wallet is so heavy it hurts your "pants" (trousers) and you can't tour anymore.
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HOW TO FORM A NU-METAL BAND IN 11 EASY STEPS" from this month's Metal Hammer mag:
1: Firstly, you need to be between the ages of 18 and 24, preferably breathing, and have two hands (not always necessary though).
2: Image is very, very important, so get kitted out with some baggy shorts or pants and a big wallet chain. Hair should be spiky, shaven or short -- no mullets or longhairs here!
3: A great name is pretty important, so write out a list of inanimate objects and combine any two for a band name. Where possible, no Cs or Ss -- only Ks and Zs. Here is a list and a few "examplez": Nose, chain, box, bleed, plank, boy, spider, wagon, trouzaz, shed, monkey, mutha, spanner, horse, fire, rocket, kill, kake, wallet, blast, chokolate, floppy. Now combine: Floppy Trouzaz, Wallet-Wagon, Kake-Box etc. This is good fun, so feel free to add more to the list.
4: Oh yeah, I almost forgot: Guitars are pretty important too so buy an Ibanez seven-string and downtune it until every string is as slack as a 50-year old Dutch prostitute. Then learn some easy single-note riffs and the occasional fifth-fret harmonic. Five minutes' practice should be enough before you are ready to play with the rest of the band. If you are a bass player, buy an Ibanez 5 or 6-string and do the same downtuning treatment as the guitar, but only use the top six frets. If you downtune it enough, then your bass should sound as low and farty as your granny after six helpings of cabbage, broccoli and sprouts at Christmas dinner.
5: Employ a pointless DJ and a singer who can "rap" (call him an Emcee) and claim you have always loved hip-hop as well as metal.
6: State that guitar solos are pointless, shit, self-indulging fretboard masturbation, when in fact you just can't play them and in secret you worship Steve Vai, Yngwie Malmsteen, Joe Satriani and Jeff Beck and the rest of the shred movement.
7: Write three-minute, commercial songs about how fucked-up your nice, steady, middle-class upbringing was, with a rap verse and a shouty chorus with loads of swearing to show how "4 REAL" you are. This is the key to success -- sell out before you even sell.
8: Claim NOT to be nu-metal and invent your own stupid-ass genre, like "GardenCore" or "WardrobeCore" or "Nicely-Trimmed Privet Hedge-Core" and tell the press you've been in a band for ten years or so. When they question this, stating that if that is true, you must've been in a band when you were eight years old, swear loudly at them and call your agent.
9: Even if you perfect the first 8, it don't mean shit unless you move to the USA and get a cheesey gimmick. Wearing Y-fronts on your head, dressing in chef's uniforms or using poo as facepaint should do the trick.
10: Number 10 is the ultimate clincher -- you MUSTcover an awful 80s pop song! This will be your first single, or your second one if your first single was crap *cough, cough*Alien Ant Farm*cough*Limp Bizkit*cough, cough*. Something by MC Hammer, Spandau Ballet, Frankie Goes to Hollywood, George Michael or Michael Jackson should be appropriate.
11: Congratulations! If you have done all this correctly, you should now record an album ("the heaviest fuckin' thing ever") filled with 50 guest-appearances from members of other nu-metal bands. If possible, get Ross Robinson to produce it and bribe him to say "This is the craziest, heaviest shit I've ever heard! These guys are 4 REAL!". Your album should sell 5,000,000 copies and get constant radio play before you split up because you are too rich to continue and your wallet is so heavy it hurts your "pants" (trousers) and you can't tour anymore.
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