50 ways to annoy metal fans
- Thread starter theodyssey
- Start date
yeah, i didn't write those... just found them. Shit, i forgot to mention that. Hope i don't get charged with plagerism.... i don't know where the hell it came from, but meh.
Malinká
Ice Queen
dargormudshark
Senior Member
Black mEtal commanche and black metal farmer 
Just imagine you are in Iowa and you look on the side of the road and see a black metal farmer plantimg some corn
Just imagine you are in Iowa and you look on the side of the road and see a black metal farmer plantimg some corn
hahahaha, I've seen that black metal list before, but I'm not complaining because it's pretty amusing. I wonder if they know how stupid they look.
dargormudshark
Senior Member
DestrwidoR
Erunér - One of The Seven
speaking of black metal
101 rules of black metal (HAA)
1. Don't be gay.
2. Be "true".
3. All people who arent "true" are gay.
4. Be grim.
5. Be necro.
6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.
7. Break things while being grim and necro.
8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...
11. ...Listen to Peccatum.
12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out that you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Maniac is gay.
13. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you mean "burn".
14. Don't be Dani Filth.
15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase "Kenny G slams, man."
16. Don't be Dani Filth.
17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're too metal to remove refuse.
18. Run for it!
19. Sodomize a virgin whore.
20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)
21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 years after its release... so it becomes 'cult'.
22. When in doubt, say "True Norwiegian Black Metal!"
23. If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.
24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.
25. Nipple twisting is not a blackmetal activity..
26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only interviews with bands no one has heard of, even "true" blackmetallers.
27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than 15 adjectives in the title.
29. a) paint face. b) go in woods. c) act like troll.
30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.
32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.
33. Don't make jokes.
34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.
35. Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.
36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it doesn't hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".
37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are "session" members.
38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have your "cult" LP won't get it.
39. Never play live.
40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other people there are not going to the show to look at you.
41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both "necro" and "grim".)
42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM is the raw essence of pure black evil in man", in any case, make sure that by the conversations end, the other person still has no idea what black metal is.
43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died because of the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene".
44. Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to produce commercial success.
45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less wouldn't be "true".
46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also have side projects.
47. Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects as "session" musicians.
48. Record everything in the same studio with the same producer/instruments/equipment/etc.
49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).
50. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then use the word "Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.
51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.
52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still sound the same way it did 9 friggin years ago.
53. Never say "friggin".
54. Never finish anything you start.
55. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever greeting someone "true".
56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal Hails".
57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".
59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper in the middle of math class.
60. Accept every interview you're offered...then pretend that you really don't enjoy being interviewed.
61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.
62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to suck the Dark Lord's greasy @#%$ at any time.
64. Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy @#%$" whenever possible.
65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only, instead of being night make sure it's the middle of the @#%$ day, and instead of looking evil, look dorky instead. (See also: rule 1)
666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.
67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house is not "pimping it" (unless you tell her you're done then blow in her face like a shotgun when she turns around).
68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet. Single acceptable smily: -(
69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to it! Amatuers...
70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.
71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and therefore 'true'.
73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)
74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier". Any pets you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".
75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hymns are influenced by the mighty Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a minute... It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"
76. @#%$, I'm talking to myself again.
77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
78. That's better, on with the interview!
80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also "clouded frost spire")
81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in touch with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts make sense in conjunction.
82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
83. Don't make Beastie Boys references.
84. Don't make references.
85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.
86. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.
87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may also want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".
88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part or something.
89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend, and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)
90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.
92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.
93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?
94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
95. Own cult-as-@#%$ shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven't even heard.
96. Use the phrase "cult-as-@#%$" whenever possible.
97. Attempt to randomly throw the word "@#%$" during random segments of your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.)
98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and therefore more "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin, Orcish.)
99. I'll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.
100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pick up that makeup and fight, soldier!
101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could've have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!
by Harry and Steve of Kail
look at www.metalstorm.ee for more!
101 rules of black metal (HAA)
1. Don't be gay.
2. Be "true".
3. All people who arent "true" are gay.
4. Be grim.
5. Be necro.
6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.
7. Break things while being grim and necro.
8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...
11. ...Listen to Peccatum.
12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out that you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Maniac is gay.
13. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you mean "burn".
14. Don't be Dani Filth.
15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase "Kenny G slams, man."
16. Don't be Dani Filth.
17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're too metal to remove refuse.
18. Run for it!
19. Sodomize a virgin whore.
20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)
21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 years after its release... so it becomes 'cult'.
22. When in doubt, say "True Norwiegian Black Metal!"
23. If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.
24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.
25. Nipple twisting is not a blackmetal activity..
26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only interviews with bands no one has heard of, even "true" blackmetallers.
27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than 15 adjectives in the title.
29. a) paint face. b) go in woods. c) act like troll.
30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.
32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.
33. Don't make jokes.
34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.
35. Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.
36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it doesn't hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".
37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are "session" members.
38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have your "cult" LP won't get it.
39. Never play live.
40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other people there are not going to the show to look at you.
41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both "necro" and "grim".)
42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM is the raw essence of pure black evil in man", in any case, make sure that by the conversations end, the other person still has no idea what black metal is.
43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died because of the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene".
44. Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to produce commercial success.
45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less wouldn't be "true".
46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also have side projects.
47. Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects as "session" musicians.
48. Record everything in the same studio with the same producer/instruments/equipment/etc.
49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).
50. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then use the word "Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.
51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.
52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still sound the same way it did 9 friggin years ago.
53. Never say "friggin".
54. Never finish anything you start.
55. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever greeting someone "true".
56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal Hails".
57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".
59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper in the middle of math class.
60. Accept every interview you're offered...then pretend that you really don't enjoy being interviewed.
61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.
62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to suck the Dark Lord's greasy @#%$ at any time.
64. Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy @#%$" whenever possible.
65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only, instead of being night make sure it's the middle of the @#%$ day, and instead of looking evil, look dorky instead. (See also: rule 1)
666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.
67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house is not "pimping it" (unless you tell her you're done then blow in her face like a shotgun when she turns around).
68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet. Single acceptable smily: -(
69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to it! Amatuers...
70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.
71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and therefore 'true'.
73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)
74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier". Any pets you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".
75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hymns are influenced by the mighty Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a minute... It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"
76. @#%$, I'm talking to myself again.
77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
78. That's better, on with the interview!
80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also "clouded frost spire")
81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in touch with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts make sense in conjunction.
82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
83. Don't make Beastie Boys references.
84. Don't make references.
85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.
86. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.
87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may also want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".
88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part or something.
89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend, and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)
90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.
92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.
93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?
94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
95. Own cult-as-@#%$ shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven't even heard.
96. Use the phrase "cult-as-@#%$" whenever possible.
97. Attempt to randomly throw the word "@#%$" during random segments of your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.)
98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and therefore more "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin, Orcish.)
99. I'll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.
100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pick up that makeup and fight, soldier!
101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could've have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!
by Harry and Steve of Kail
look at www.metalstorm.ee for more!
A.) Shouldn't it be spelled "kvlt"?
B.) While some of these were pretty damn funny (58 being my personal favorite), I think 101 may have been a little too ambitious for the authors. The 2938429834732th time I saw "Don't be Dani" was kind of annoying.
B.) While some of these were pretty damn funny (58 being my personal favorite), I think 101 may have been a little too ambitious for the authors. The 2938429834732th time I saw "Don't be Dani" was kind of annoying.
Malinká
Ice Queen
Beelzebub said:
I don't really think so, there are some pics very stylish and grea made, but other ones, like IMMORTAL guys, that are just... pittyful
LoboUivante
my tummy hurts
soundgarden
I know how to be cool !
I never experienced anything on the list. Everyone I know thinks I listen to mainstream rock. So when they see bands like Sum 41 or Greenday they say "hey don't you like these guys" and I just nod and say "sure".
mistymountaingrlrocks
Unjustified!!!
1. Say, "Get ready to rock and roll!" at least 25 times per concert.
2. Dump your girlfriend, they're only holding you back.
3. Remember, it's not your band that sucks, it's your manager.
4. Avoid stepping on the "suck" pedal during a concert.
5. If you can't remember the lyrics, try to eat the mic while growling.
6. Studded black leather NEVER goes out of style.
7. You have two hair choices, long or bald. The second option only comes in after half of your hair is gone... you can make up for by making sure your beard is as long as your hair used to be.
8. If you can remember the concert, you wern't drunk enough, therefore it sucked.
9. Nobody cares about the drummer, if he gives you lip, fire him.
10. If you find yourself touring the U.S. and book stadiums, face it... you've sold out.
EDIT : Damn this sucked!
2. Dump your girlfriend, they're only holding you back.
3. Remember, it's not your band that sucks, it's your manager.
4. Avoid stepping on the "suck" pedal during a concert.
5. If you can't remember the lyrics, try to eat the mic while growling.
6. Studded black leather NEVER goes out of style.
7. You have two hair choices, long or bald. The second option only comes in after half of your hair is gone... you can make up for by making sure your beard is as long as your hair used to be.
8. If you can remember the concert, you wern't drunk enough, therefore it sucked.
9. Nobody cares about the drummer, if he gives you lip, fire him.
10. If you find yourself touring the U.S. and book stadiums, face it... you've sold out.
EDIT : Damn this sucked!
I get this all the time. Mostly from my cowrokers who are drones/slaves of the American music industry.
If it's not Green Day or Metallica its crap. :Smug:
I also get people telling me my anger comes from the music I listen to... not true... my music is good. If I were forced to listen to Country music... then I'd get angry.
Oh well... sometimes being the minority in music taste is a good thing... in ten years I'm not going to look back and regret buying all the Symphony X cds like the people who buy the albums from the American Idol winners.
soundgarden
I know how to be cool !
Xerofall said:
Most of my anger in music comes from everyone's ignorance. I usually listen to Devin Townsend or Mozart's Laudate Dominum when I am really angry. I find those to be the most soothing
Rose Immortal
Spirit of Hope
- Jun 19, 2004
- 1,425
- 10
- 38
LOL, I've definitely had some of these happen to me!!!
Worse than having this happen, for the first...oh, 20 years or so of my life, I actually fell for this one. How wrong!!!
The first thing my mother said when she heard Symphony X was, "That sounds like Journey!"
(Then again, that's legit because I've heard both bands' vocalists, and while the music is totally dissimilar, Russell Allen and Steve Perry really do sound alike sometimes.)
I HATE this...people assuming musicians who play metal can't have talent. I let someone on another board have it for that recently.
UGH!!!! I hate this! Only the bad bands sound the same...any good band should distinguish themselves well enough that the difference is immediately obvious.
Can't remember when, but I think this actually happened to me.
Now, if I actually admitted to liking some of Marilyn Manson's work, I wonder how many people here would want to kill me... (Yes, it's true, I actually do.)
Whoops...guess that means I've done a bad thing, because the first thing I heard in my head when I read that was the word pronounced with a K. I guess it's not...
LOL, a "grocery getter"!!!!!! I'm picturing this old, beat-up station wagon...
Two words: Golf clap.
Heh, no one would have to do this FOR me...it's already a good part of the way up.
Whaaat? Neither part of that makes sense...
See #1.
Possibly THE most annoying prog thing to happen to me!!!!!
LOL, I actually think that I became more and more of a metalhead as I searched out more intellectual stuff. Yes, the two are related.
Worse than having this happen, for the first...oh, 20 years or so of my life, I actually fell for this one. How wrong!!!
The first thing my mother said when she heard Symphony X was, "That sounds like Journey!"
(Then again, that's legit because I've heard both bands' vocalists, and while the music is totally dissimilar, Russell Allen and Steve Perry really do sound alike sometimes.)
I HATE this...people assuming musicians who play metal can't have talent. I let someone on another board have it for that recently.
UGH!!!! I hate this! Only the bad bands sound the same...any good band should distinguish themselves well enough that the difference is immediately obvious.
Can't remember when, but I think this actually happened to me.
Now, if I actually admitted to liking some of Marilyn Manson's work, I wonder how many people here would want to kill me... (Yes, it's true, I actually do.)
Whoops...guess that means I've done a bad thing, because the first thing I heard in my head when I read that was the word pronounced with a K. I guess it's not...
LOL, a "grocery getter"!!!!!! I'm picturing this old, beat-up station wagon...
Two words: Golf clap.
Heh, no one would have to do this FOR me...it's already a good part of the way up.
Whaaat? Neither part of that makes sense...
See #1.
Possibly THE most annoying prog thing to happen to me!!!!!
LOL, I actually think that I became more and more of a metalhead as I searched out more intellectual stuff. Yes, the two are related.
Malinká said:
oh my god thats funny!..#3 is my favorite by far
LoboUivante
my tummy hurts
TOP 10 MOST RIDICULOUS
BLACK METAL PICS
OF ALL TIME
How Mike Got It Down To Just 10
We Will Never Know
had already seen them... but i never am fed up about this.
BLACK METAL PICS
OF ALL TIME
How Mike Got It Down To Just 10
We Will Never Know
had already seen them... but i never am fed up about this.
