A Lyric

[Ozzloaf]

Hey,
I wrote this lyric today and I'd like some feedback on it. What do you think?

Cessation

I take one step
And weigh the odds
Follow my prints
As I am lost
I’m lost within
This tainted, foul
Soliloquy

I’m sick of this
Of this madness,
And loneliness
Sick of this vile,
That bubbles from
This retched and
Fetid miasma

I long for closure
For departure
From this twisted
And dismal world
I take this step
My final step
For cessation​

My voice sounds a bit like Jonas' btw.

Jake

 

[Brave.Archangel]

it's good man. kinda bland without any notes to go along with it, but there is a potential really good song here.
by the way where in the bay area are you from?
i lived in marin county just north of the golden gate bridge pretty much my whole life up until several months ago

 

[Ozzloaf]

Yeah that's me! I live in Mill Valley.

 

[Brave.Archangel]

no shit
im from corte madera
going back to visit for thanksgiving or christmas break
we should hang out! we both like katatonia!

 

[Ozzloaf]

Cool. I don't know, maybe we can hang out. I'm not sure.

I edited the song a very little bit btw.

 

[BlackLodge]

I sense a strong Opeth influence.

 

[Hedon-]

2 first lines reminded me evidence first lines so much so i just hummed your lines along to how evidence is sung

 

[My Arms, Your Purse]

*wretched tbh

 

[Kitiini]

Pretty nice lyrics, although its hard to try and imagine it in a song (since there is no song yet) but looks nice. To be honest there isnt really any original point of view to that "world is shit" thing but pretty basic lyrics you have done, they arent bad.

 

[Ozzloaf]

Ahh.... reading over it again I don't much like it. I was very proud when I first wrote it.

An explanation:

"I take one step"

A man (the narator) is walking towards the edge of a building, a bridge, or a cliff... you get the point, in the final moments of his life.

"And weigh the odds"

He considers which is worse, to suffer more of life's hardships, or to have none yet never again feel the goodness of life.

"Follow my prints
As I am lost
I’m lost within
This tainted, foul
Soliloquy "

If written normally it would say, "I follow my footprints as I am lost within this tainted and foul soliloquy." It's a metaphor for life. His life is lost and life is the tainted soliloquy. A soliloquy is a monologue... or rather someone talking to themselves. So essentially, he is saying (metaphorically) that he is trapped within someones disturbed, mad uttering.

"I’m sick of this
Of this madness,
And loneliness"

... pretty self explanatory.

"Sick of this vile,
That bubbles from
This wretched and
Fetid miasma "

Would read, "I'm sick of this vile that bubbles from this wretched and fetid miasma." Another metaphor for his life. A miasma is a dangerous, foreboding, or deathlike influence or atmosphere. The word is often used to describe pollution. The filth that bubbles from the miasma (as I've heard it used as a simile in a book I read: "patches" of evil that come from the miasma like bubbles in a swamp.) is the negativity and evilness of life.

"I long for closure
For departure
From this twisted
And dismal world"

He wants to be rid of all of the negativity. He wants to die essentially ("For departure").

"I take this step
My final step
For cessation"

Cessation is an ending or stopping. He takes his final step... off of the building. And ends.

Jake

 

[leliel]

I sense a strong Opeth influence.

i agree. there is a very strong Opeth influence here. but it's not bad. Opeth is really good too.

 

[DanLights]

not bad, but the point of the lyric really has no feeling to me. Its way too obviuos and the theme has been taken over a million times.
"I am sick of this world" we all are mate, and we all know it sucks
"I kill myself" You all do it in lyric, never do it phisically because it is stupid to do so in real life
If you actually "weigh the odds" you'll see there is much more to live for than to die for. When you get a stable girlfriend youll find that out ozzloaf

The Gf part was just messing with you dude, youre a nice guy and I dont know if you have a girl or not.

IMO the lyric is not bad, but by itself its kinda dumb, would need a well done song for me to let it pass, as a poem it really doesnt cut it as its done a million times before and way too obvious. Again, not putting you down at all ozzloaf, We should probably make this a lyrical thread so everyone could post lyrics/poems and we could get more opinions

Edit: Another thing I dislike greatly in lyrics (that the gathering for a huge example) is the whole "I this I that" thing, "I long for this, I move to there, I hate my family" it tires me, I prefer them more with a twist, make it third person or skip the I thing

 

[Ozzloaf]

Thanks Slip... I really appreciate the feedback. I'm not comfortable talking about my life here, in public, with people I'm not very close with. I don't want to bother people or for people to make false assumptions of me.