a Swede wants to be my roommate

Dear Xfer,

Hello. My name is Kleo Hetfield and I am a babyfaced English major with weird facial hair intended to make me look something over 13 years of age. There's this fat chick who cheated on me once just outside of Boston and I need a base of operations from which to plot and excute my unholy vengeance. I got your name through some a kindly schizophrenic gent who bore a distinct resemblance to Tweedledumber and was wondering if you would have me as a roomie. I have pets; three cats, a goat skull, and a spider I squashed about 7 years ago decomposing on my ceiling. I am extremely asthmatic and only smoke when I'm hanging around with the legions of 15-17 year old mall-goths that flock to me at 5 a.m. and want to kill myself so they continue to respect me. It is sometimes difficult to get along with me as I speak with a severe lisp and am as such extremely sensitive about anything that might imply I am gay such as that time my last roommate cooked sausages for dinner. My hobbies include pooping and hunting fleas with a comb and three fluid ounces of battery acid.

xoxoxo
-k-

p.s. You're taller than Toby, right? Short people make me angry.
 
kleo706 said:
Dear Xfer,

Hello. My name is Kleo Hetfield and I am a babyfaced English major with weird facial hair intended to make me look something over 13 years of age. There's this fat chick who cheated on me once just outside of Boston and I need a base of operations from which to plot and excute my unholy vengeance. I got your name through some a kindly schizophrenic gent who bore a distinct resemblance to Tweedledumber and was wondering if you would have me as a roomie. I have pets; three cats, a goat skull, and a spider I squashed about 7 years ago decomposing on my ceiling. I am extremely asthmatic and only smoke when I'm hanging around with the legions of 15-17 year old mall-goths that flock to me at 5 a.m. and want to kill myself so they continue to respect me. It is sometimes difficult to get along with me as I speak with a severe lisp and am as such extremely sensitive about anything that might imply I am gay such as that time my last roommate cooked sausages for dinner. My hobbies include pooping and hunting fleas with a comb and three fluid ounces of battery acid.

xoxoxo
-k-

p.s. You're taller than Toby, right? Short people make me angry.

omg this is just so amazing i can't.... i can't.... even.....
 
Dear Xfer,

I am actively dedicated to the eradication of body hair. Why, I went so far as to adopt a goat skull and shave my Carebear collection. If my offer holds any appeal to you, please call 5089998150 and speak softly. I am blind so my hearing compensates. In fact, I am one of the few humans who uses sonar to move around. I felt this was worth mentioning as I need to sing the high part of Judas Priest's "Painkiller" whenever I move so as to prevent my bumping into objects.

xoxoxo
-k-