ask Dr. Jake

[Josh Seipp]

dear dr. jake,

when are you going to get off your lard ass and start answering some goddamn questions?

sincerely,

Aggravated in Baltimore City

 

[deadair]

Dear Dr Jake,

The bastards in the city office decided that that putting signs up to clear up the snow in the streets 4 hours before they begin is good policy. They usually start clearing things up at 7PM which means that they can put the sings up at 3PM and be completly correct. I am sorry but at 3PM I am at work, and I have no idea when I will be back home to move my car out of the side of the street they are clearing out.

Dr Jake, whom should I give abuse to and what should I say?

give up your little dreams of 'sticking it to the man'. it's not going to happen, you are not going to win. i'd suggest asking one of your fag ass friends to a) proof read your posts, and b) they aren't doing anything productive, ask them to move your fucking car. or better yet, if you are not using your car anyway, get rid of it you wasteful prick.

xoxo,
Dr. Jake

 

[deadair]

Dear Dr. Jake,

I was cleaning my room last weekend and noticed that i had an excess number of copies of the indieworkshop.com compilation. since i already have one for myself i am feeling temtped to use the others as coasters for my living room table or as targets for shooting with my rubber band gun. What should I do?

massi in medford

Dear, massi

this question isn't even fucking funny. you were told to GIVE THEM AWAY! but no, with your pack-rat ideals you thought it would be best to horde them for yourself. nice to see that worked out for you you fucking twat.

xoxo,
Dr. Jake

 

[deadair]

dear dr. jake,

how do I get off the internet and back to work? it's been 3 years now and my productivity is slipping!! please help!!

- procrastinating until someones saves you

Dear P.u.s.s.y.,

will power... get some.

xoxo,
Dr. Jake

p.s. the weed isn't helping either.

 

[Baliset]

Dear Dr. Jake,

you know i was just kidding right? can i have a hug?

unloved in boston

 

[inkybmistro]

Dear Dr. Jake,

I am thinking about trying out for the death metal band Vehemence but they won't respond to the post I made. Is it because I am slightly effeminate?

t

http://www.ultimatemetal.com/forum/showthread.php?t=180592 !

 

[avi]

Dear Dr. Jake,
Why does that asshole at indieworkshop refuse my request to run my one annual review without a pen-name like I asked?

sincerely,
a. noneemouse

 

[deadair]

dear dr jake,

i can't stop peeing

good or bad??

- nick

Dear nick,

well, this one could go one of two ways. it's a good think if you are drinking a large amount of water. you should be downing about 3 liters a day. if this is the case, i'd say it's a good thing.

or maybe... maybe you have diabetes. and if that is the case, well, you couldn't be metal anymore. you'd have to turn in your metal pledge card and start wearing clothes from j.crew. you'd also have to get a cat again.

xoxo,
Dr. Jake

 

[deadair]

dear dr. jake,

when are you going to get off your lard ass and start answering some goddamn questions?

sincerely,

Aggravated in Baltimore City

Dear A.I.B.C. (not as clever this time ehe?),

SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU LOSER HIPPY

xoxo.
Dr. Jake

 

[deadair]

Dear Dr. Jake,
Why does that asshole at indieworkshop refuse my request to run my one annual review without a pen-name like I asked?

sincerely,
a. noneemouse

Dear crybaby avi,

who's to say.

xoxo,
Dr. Jake

 

[Draft Dodging Scarecrow]

Dear Dr. Jake,
I'm having an internet relationship with a man from Korea. But I'm just getting really T.O.ed because he hasn't sent me a full body shot yet. Should I be more assertive and demand a full body shot?

HELP!

sincerely,
Ebony in East Bernard.

 

[deadair]

Dear Dr. Jake,
I'm having an internet relationship with a man from Korea. But I'm just getting really T.O.ed because he hasn't sent me a full body shot yet. Should I be more assertive and demand a full body shot?

HELP!

sincerely,
Ebony in East Bernard.

Dear Ebony,

if you can't come up with your own fucking questions, at the very least, don't qoute shit from movies. get a life fuckhead.

xoxo,
Dr. Jake

 

[Josh Seipp]

dear dr. jake,

Aggravated in Baltimore City = ABC.

sincerely,

josh

 

[mindspell]

Dear Dr Jake,

"don't qoute shit"

Best regards

Bad speller in Montreal

 

[xfer]

i'd suggest asking one of your fag ass friends to a) proof read your posts

.

 

[deadair]

fine, close the thread.

close the thread forever... 4EVR!!!

i don't have the energy to deal with you cunts anymore.

signing off,
Dr. Jake

 

[avi]

if you can't take the heat, get the fuck outta the kitchen

 

[deadair]

...isn't that what i just...

oh fuck it, he doesn't understand

you're an idiot,
Dr. Jake

 

[avi]

I'm actually surprised that the good doctor managed to find the correct version of "you're" to use in that last post. way to go! gold star!

 

[minxnim]

i'd take over for jake but i dont think you guys could handle it.

also, jake IW.com needs an advice column run by me.