CaGeD iN said:
I'm christian so i read the lyrics before i get music, and i read autumn reflection and in the absence of grace, i found the lyrics rather opposite from eachother in religious views, would u mind explaining that, im just curious
I will do my best to answer this for you. This is hard for me to give you an honest answer, because I almost NEVER explain my lyrics to people, unless it's more obvious. Being honest, I don't even explain them to my wife when she asks. On a side note, for the past year I have been writing a "book" of all my lyrics from all our CDs, and on the opposite page I am writing a detailed explanation of what each song is actually about. I'm not sure what I'll do with this when I'm finished, but it will certainly give you a clearer picture into my life, and what my motivation was for each CD, and song.
Anyway, to answer your question, you need to know where i'm coming from. I was born and raised catholic, attended 8 years of CCD, was baptized, and confirmed, and used to attend church as a child, all because of my family and my upbringing. When I was old enough to ask questions, and form my own opinions, I developed a lot of internal conflict. Where as the thought of a heaven and a God to exist in the afterlife sounds like paradise, my lack of faith makes it hard to believe in this. I have HOPE that something better is waiting for me when I die, but my mind works in solids, where I need proof to believe, so it's always been a struggle.
I'm not religious, but I am spiritual. I have a deep respect for eastern meditation, and finding internal peace, and balance within a state of Zen. I'm not a crazy nut either, I just believe your mind has more power over your self being then we realize.
You want honesty? Here you go.
I was in a very dark place in my life (and still am to a degree.) I have an illness, and without getting into many details, it's a degenerative spinal disease, which causes great amounts of pain 24 hours a day. There is no cure, and nothing they can do to stop the degeneration process. It's been a long 6 years since I was diagnosed, and have taken Vicodin in mass amounts daily for over 5 years now. I am a full blown addict to the pain medication, and because of the drugs, and the pain, I also suffer with insomnia and depression. I'm only even talking about this on the forum right now, because I'm pretty high on the pain meds as I type this. I tend to become more "open" in this state, and actually write many of my lyrics like this, as they come out much more honest.
Nows the part I'm sure I'll regret typing later and may even delete this...
I was ready to check myself out of this world, and 'Swallowed By The Moon' was actually a note I wrote for my newly born daughter. To this day, I still regret keeping these lyrics on the CD, and wish I had changed them before we recorded the song. I actually had the suicide all planned out, and the first 3 months of my daughters life I put up a front, and didn't want to bond with her, to make it easier to do what I needed to do, which was end the pain, at the ultimate cost. No one knows this about me, not my wife, my family or friends, or my band. I had notes written for every one of them. I KNOW, no one has any idea just how close it actually came. The night I was going to do it, I had quite a bit to drink, for liquid courage, and loaded my 9MM. I was going to go outside to the back yard of my house, and do it in the grass, so not to make a mess for my wife to have to deal with in the house. I went into the room where my baby was sleeping to say goodbye to her, and she woke up. She always cried when she woke up, as most infants do, but this time she didn't. She just looked at me and smiled. It was the first time I saw her smile, and it was at that moment I felt the bond between us. My daughter saved me that night. She became my strength, and the reason I needed to stay here.
'Autumn Reflection' (her name is Rhiannon Autumn) was written for her, so she'll always know what she meant to me, even long after I'm gone someday. My "faith" is in the love of her, and not in any religious being. The confusing lyric in the song for you must be "I thank the heavens above for the angel beside me today." It's metaphorical. I'm saying there IS something better out there, and that something is unconditional love. That's heaven to me.
You'll find in much of my lyrics, they deal with that struggle between faith and hope. As Larry said, I'm not pro, or anti religion. I just pose questions, possibilities, doubt, and sometimes moments of hope within my own mind. I'm asked all the time if I'm Christian because of the lyrics, and I can't really answer yes or no.
'In the Absence of Grace' is about the internal struggle of being raised to believe that God exists, and he is all loving. If there is a God, then how could he allow something like my illness to dehumanize me daily? If there is a God, then he hates me, and turned his back on me years ago. It's anger at it's fullest. It's anger at the possibility there is no God, and it's anger that there's the possibility of a God. It's all about the struggle and the anger because of it.
Now that I've totally put it out there, and said much more then I should have, please don't offer any sympathy for my situation. I'm a stronger person because of it. I've always lived for the challenge, and now I've been given a good one. My life, although difficult physically, is fulfilling and I have more to live for now then ever before, so don't worry about my state of mind.
Hope this answered your question.
