co-opting the memory of a friend

[goatschool]

two days ago marked the 2nd anniversary of a close friend's death, someone i'd known for 10+ years.

he had a few different 'groups' of friends. they all sort of spilled over. one particular guy was a newcomer who happened to worship him on an artistic level.

another clique were musical collaborators he'd known since high school. one is okay, the other is a complete douchebag.

after he died, all three of these people worked together to put on a tribute show, to put together a bank account that would accept donations to fund the release of demos (that i'm not even sure he would have wanted released) on CD, and put up a website and messageboard devoted to him (that i know he would have been mortified over).

i was asked to participate in this stuff, marginally. twinges of something like jealousy crept in, although i don't even know if that's the right word, and i tried not to let it bother me too much. another longtime friend of his was fairly disgusted by the whole thing, and also with the glorification of a guy who was very flawed.

that friend is in japan now, and i can't discuss this with him, so it becomes a post on a messageboard.

tomorrow night the douchebag is coming into town from TN and proposing a get together, the text of which is right here:

On Friday, August 13 there will be an informal gathering to celebrate the
life and work of James KXXX at the PXXXXXXX, 164 JXXXXX St. (at
DXXXX St. 1 block SXXXh of the corner of MXXXX and LXXX), Albany, NY (518)
465-XXXX. Starting at around 9pm. Hosted by Jason MXXXX, MXXXXXt
and AXXXXX. And by hosts, I mean we'll be there. To be updated, or to
contribute, email:

it's finally eating me up. anyone see my point? am i ridiculous? no?

 

[goatschool]

i'm an asshole.

 

[Josh Seipp]

well, they certainly seem to be making a lot of assumptions and taking a lot of liberties

 

[xfer]

hmmm i think it's not unnatural to feel like your private emotions over a friend or family member's death (or illness, or whatever) are being experienced/exhibited in a more public way by other people, thus seemingly infringing on your own private mode of working through them. when showy mourners appear, i feel obligated to outwardly express sadness even when i would be better served by working through my grief in a non-public manner. and i hate that.

 

[Nut Butter]

I don't think you're being ridiculous, no. Feels to me they're doin' it more for themselves than for your friend's memory. I would just pretend they don't exist if I was you.

 

[Josh Seipp]

alex is more eloquent than I. I agree with him.

 

[minxnim]

nix this same thing is going on with ethan's shitty friends

 

[goatschool]

i agree with all of three of you.

the main thing is, i think, that these 3 guys are sort of declaring themselves the proprietors of his memory, and creative output (which i can sort of see, as they were in bands with him), and channeling it to anyone who is buying. t's like they're declaring themselves the official high priests of Jim.

 

[goatschool]

all four of you.

 

[xfer]

this kind of thing happens whenever somebody remotely famous/productive dies. look at all the drama surrounding, for example, presidential biographers. and one of the big Supreme Court justices--Blackmun? Burger?--has had his papers sealed and sat on for DECADES by his semi-competent biographer, who infuriates everyone by saying he'll "one day get around to writing the definitive biography", but no other journalist has access until he's done.

 

[minxnim]

well... they'd have to have permission from the family (legally speaking, trust me, i know! i'm getting sued left and right)... if they do have permission... then they can :/ which doesn't make it right.
when people die like this it always leaves a mess

 

[xfer]

what i'm trying to say by that is that this is an unavoidable part of someone taking their place in history. someone's gonna shape it--it won't just blossom into history itself.

 

[avi]

I suppose one could say that this is those folk's way of coping with grief, for better or worse. doesn't mean you need to participate/contribute. I'd say a polite "no thanks" should be all that's required from you, if that's how you feel. even if you feel it's distasteful, I would refrain from raining on their parade.

 

[goatschool]

avi, i never open my mouth about anything. or when i do, i usually catch a shitstorm.

i am tempted to go, if only because i have nil social interaction, and am faced with a week of isolation, immediately. yet, i am cringing.

 

[goatschool]

but, instinct is to not go.

 

[minxnim]

maybe you're not wanting to go because you're afraid you may like it and may really miss him a lot again. or maybe you're not going b/c you're afraid of realizing that other people don't fall bad like you do and that sucks. but curiosity will kill you nix so you might as well go spy for a second. when they did that for e. i went. i went and felt like i wanted to stab the people in the neck, but i went.

 

[goatschool]

i'm not afraid (but more than a little worried) to say that i don't get "sad" sad about this, more like i'm still in shock 2 years later. i am more not wanting to go because i don't really like these people, and AM more afraid of humanity (re:bar) than i've ever been... so going there, to meet a few difficult people who are far beyond me, culturally, wordly, etc, is going to make me feel worse and make me wonder what my friend saw in me, anyway. their "cultivation" of his memories only adds to that feeling.

 

[minxnim]

hm well i would go with you but i am not getting to great barrington friday night until like 9 pm so i wouldnt make it on time.

 

[goatschool]

ah that would have been great. except that my sort of ex-friend amongst that group, the john lennon/robin williams-eque guy would totally be picking up on you the whole time.

i also predict instantly, you'd want to leave.

 

[goatschool]

why isn't there a great bennington? when i move to vermont, i'd like to start that township. everything in VT should be preceded by 'great'