Confessional of the Suicidal(poem)

[LIZ METAL]

I am the star in the Northern Sky
The lonely flame in a wild fire
I'm the arrow in my own heart
I keep all pain inside(self-destruction at...)
Ten!

No one cares
I'm passed on to the next one
Cureless am I(so they say...)
My pain has been inherieted, too great it seems
I can't sallow this aged misery

As the dragon flys on within me I can only think,
How much longer will my honor break my fall?
I have suffered for too long now
Can't reach for help
My screams are muffled by my own loneliness

I never wanted to feel this way
Can't wait for it to stop
Death is seemingly my only cure
But honor fails to set me free
Deep down inside I forever want to live

They say...
They say it's all in my head
I'm just mistaken(no reason for pain)
Ignorance is bliss, but only for so long
'Till you realize I'm forever gone....................................

 

[glennsmetal]

Liz,

I pray to God this is not your poem it is so goddamned beautiful, I don't know what to think or say or do or what. This is exactly how I have been feeling these last two months of my life. I would never do anything to harm myself intentionally because I have too many friends who love me and who I love and two wonderful parents who love me. But there are days I wish God would just take my life away and make things easier instead of me feeling all of this pain inside of me. I have never felt so fucking msierable in my entire life and all because of one person, I can't even believe Im posting this publically here because people are going to start to worry. I am fine but damn, this just hits fucking home right in the heart, I ask myself, why did I deserve all this pain is it really worth the experience of life? I don't know. Then I thrown on a metal record from Testament and Forbidden and goddamned if that doesnt do it I don't know what will. Life isn't worth living if it weren't for such strong powerful fucking music as this. Not just the the music itself but the people who are into the metal music, are the most wonderful and down to earth people you and I could ever possibly ever have in this lifetime. I could never ask for anything more but at times I still find that I do and when I do I find myself dissapointed with what I don't get, or in this case what I do get. I'm not sure if this is making any scence at all, I'm not sure if I'm making any scence of it. I guess what I am feeling is so many godamned different emotions inside I don't know what to fucking think at this point in my life right now. In all reality all i know is that I am very fortunate to be alive and well and have so many wonderful friends and the greatest fucking music in the world to keep me going day in / day out. Thank you for your post Liz. (I Think ) :.


GLENN

 

[LIZ METAL]

This poem is directly from my heart. Sadly, it represents only a snowflake on the tip of the iceberg to what I feel.

Thank you Glenn, your post means a lot to me.

For those who don't understand and never experienced depression, try craming 20 pounds of sand in a 1 pound bag. That's what my soul feels like.

Unlike many of the 17 year-olds today, I have an overwhelming sense of honor. Suicide, in my opinion, is not a cowerdly action but it is dishonorable. And if I'm dishonorable, then I lose my seat in Valhalla. As did the Vikings: I strive for glory in death rather than peace in life.

 

[Somber Oracle]

Your poem reflects alot of pain. I once wrote poems as you do. But some things changed and I was able to get out of that awful state. Later on my writings turned more angry and less depressing.

 

[Dreamdead]

Liz,

Your poem hit home. I used to write a lot of stuff like this when I was 16/17. (I read a suicide poem as an oral project for 11th grade English class. WTF?) I clearly remember hating being 17. That was the most depressed I ever had been. Sometimes I wanted to just "not be here", not to have to deal with it, but at the same time I figured "I can't wait for time to pass so this'll be over, no matter how long it takes." Whether I had to wait until I was old and dead, or if a couple years would get me out of the hole.. anyway, hopefully you'll have the same turnout I did. Those thoughts have become less frequent over the years. I found being more assertive and making sure I'm happy with the decisions I made helped, even if I had to subject myself to being called cold or selfish by other people. Can't make anyone else happy without being happy first...and usually I am not. I either stay quiet, or I'm just funny and impersonal. People think I'm always happy - I guess I express myself in unique ways. It sounds like you may be going through some of the same as what I did, I don't want to get all personal on here, so feel free to E-mail me. Best to you.

 

[Dreamdead]

Part 2 - reply to Glenn:

"I ask myself, why did I deserve all this pain is it really worth the experience of life? I don't know."

Usually when I look back, even when it's something STUPID that I've done, I think the least I can make of it is a learning experience. I know your pain right now is coming from doing something stupid (anyone would by reading your quote).

"Life isn't worth living if it weren't for such strong powerful fucking music [...] the people are the most wonderful and down to earth people you and I could ever possibly ever have..."

I couldn't agree more. My music, Metal friends and the bands in my CD player keep me sane. Being Metal is an identity and brings some form of balance, no? Most Metalheads are intelligent, we read lyrics of other bands and know they've been through some of what we're going through. That's what makes me shake my head & laugh when someone says Metalheads are dull outcasts who use drugs and worship satan.

 

[Nordic_Warrior]

Hey Liz,
I wanna say that i really love your poem, i'm french so i maybe i didn't get the whole thing, lol, but i think i understand how you feel. I've been in a depression that lasted over a year, from a stupid thing that really fucked me up, and that period was the worst thing that ever happened to me (that was 2 years ago, i was 15), but now i'm fine,... and i never took any drugs to make me go through it, (i believe that shit isn't worth it). I've listened to the last 3 songs of Live At The Fillmore instead!! I've thought of suicide many times, but i knew it wasn't gonna do anything good, and that i could get throught that period, ...and what you said about suicide being dishonorable, i totally agree, and i love the way you said it. Anyways, if you feel like talking to someone you could always come to me, i'm a very good listener and i never judge so. Hey maybe the Testament guys could make a song/ballad from your poem...?? that would be cool
c-ya
~Luc

 

[LIZ METAL]

I never thought this post would recieve so much positive responses!

I have always been against drugs (ask the guys from the last message board about that :lol ) Never tried, never will. I know it will just make me worse. If I were, I would have killed myself a long time ago. I believe what pushed me over the edge to accually consider suicide were a number of things:
-My father's illness
-Abusive past(mostly emotional)
-16 years of not discussing my problems
-Being Bi in a homophobic family(they still don't know)
For comparison, 1 in every 3 teenagers that commit suicide are gay/lesbian/bi.

When my father died this past Novemeber, it was too much for me to handle. That through me even farther into the pit. I do have my good days and am currently living with my step-mom.

I apperiate all the kind responses!

 

[xenophobe]

Beautiful and sad poem.

The worst vice is advice. So I'll just say I wish you the best.

My Kind Regards....