Could I get some feedback?

[NeO Chick]

I'm entirely sure it's crap, but I had a go at writing, critiscise all you want, but i'd really like an opinion or two.

Cheers

She comes to you in the night,
In your dreams, silent, pure.
Hiding from your life,
You see her as your cure.
She walks ahead, you follow close,
She turns in the mist.
You squint to see her obvious beauty,
But her face does not exist.
She’s nothing but a worm,
A creature of the dead.
She’s all your horrors and fears,
Every dark thought in your head.
She’s there to remind you are insane,
A muse for the unwise.
She holds you tight and takes your breath,
Your fear you can’t disguise.
She has you now, you cannot think,
You’re trapped in your own creation.
The faceless destroyer of sanity,
Is now your infatuation.

 

[derek]

Yeah, it's pretty good.

You could work on imagery a little more, perhaps explore rhythmic scales too. It's not by any means using the potential of language to its fullest, but the words and story are quite nice.

Is it meant to be poetry or lyrical?

 

[metal_wrath]

I found it to be pretty good given the subject matter. Maybe something more metal would get a better response next time

 

[MURAI]

I expected a Cannibal Corpse rape fest

 

[stormy]

Hmm Not bad at all.

 

[borninblood]

Depends on the style it would be sang in, would suit a nice doomy band.

 

[Vacant_Planets]

Yes it would, some details seem a bit simple, but it's good.

 

[OldScratch]

Stylistically it has potential, but to be honest it suffers from a common "artistic" affliction; namely a lack of topical originality. This isn't your 'fault' as we all generally fancy our ideas to be be uniquely our own(especially when we are young)...often only to find someone, nay, many have beaten us to the proverbial creative punch. It can be quite frustrating, but don't give up, especially if you enjoy the creative exercise yourself.
On a more philosophical note, it is interesting that such dark poetry is, in fact, so common...even in an age when most want for absolutely nothing - or perhaps that's the problem.

 

[greasemunkey]

theow inm seven strings and drop a tuning, and you got a song!