on the running away theme.
i, for one, have always considered the phrase i am scared of getting into a relationship the worst piece of bullshit someone could come up with. apparently i'll have to reconsider.
i have been seeing my ex on and off for a while now. everything was going well in the sense that, although he had some sentimental pretense, i was sure i was just in for nice evenings and some sex.
tonight we went out and had a blimey time, then he invited me to his place and i politely declined on account of various motivations that included the fact that now i'm staying at my parents' and he should have told me that there was such an opportunity sometimes sooner than 2 am - my mom was already asleep and upon not finding me at home in the morning she would have thought of a car crash or something.
petty details aside, he insisted that a night crammed full of pleasures of the flesh (as in eating and drinking) should be completed by sex. i was sort of telling him that i saw the whole picture as unpurposeful: it's okay to have casual intercourse with someone as long as it is casual, but i don't see the point of getting sentimental, affectionate and passionate once per month and then forgetting everything about it.
let me clarify that i didn't say that with anger or scorn, just matter-of-factly. the point was: i like you and i might like you even more, but i need to have a project for us to like too, not just a night's experience. the especially stupid thing is that given how he craves that experience repeatedly i don't see how he cannot add the factors beyond words that he says now and would deny tomorrow, but this is rahvin's field of analysis more than mine.
all in all, i was thinking that now there are two ways to go on. either we keep on having sex and i hope he's going to see reason sooner or later (he has in a variety of fields, why not this one?), or i downgrade the whole thing to "just friends" again. i will pick the second one, since the first one entails a bit of expectation building and therefore unavoidable suffering, but i guess this means i am scared of getting into a relationship , literally. I just want a relationship suited to my current preferences, and I exclude everything that does not fit without even trying.
aside from the individual situation, which is not terribly important, i'm a bit surprised by my own attitude.
h
