ehm... there is a fucking POSSESED DEMON KABUKI LIGHTER in my room.

[screwdriverqueen]

i am sufficiently creeped out.
two years ago in japan, i bought a novelty lighter covering. it's shaped like a kabuki man, and when you light the lighter, causing pressure at the bottom of the covering, it screams or says, "tell me all your sins" in japanese. to boot, it's real creepy looking.

see, here it is:

"hi, i want to cut off your face and eat it with soysauce."

i left this in the drawer for the last two years. i had completely forgotten about it. about 15 minutes ago, i started hearing screaming from my drawer, and immediately recognized it as that of the lighter case thing. i ignored it at first, thinking that maybe when i pulled open the drawer (which hasn't been for at least a week) something pressed against the sound button.

but the screaming and "tell me your sins!" kept going over and over again. it didn't take me long to feel pretty fucking irritated. finally dug it out, and to my surprise... there's NO FUCKING LIGHTER in there. meaning that there was nothing putting pressure against the sound trigger.

even worse, once i took it out of the drawer, the sounds started getting all choppy and fucked up and wouldn't stop!

"AIIEEE TELL ME YOUR AEEIEEEE TELL ME YOUR SINS AIIIEEEE TELL EIIEEE SINS"

jesus fucking christ. really loud too.

i finally put it in my brother's bed (he is in NY now, so i'm sure he won't mind evil possessed kabuki figures in his absence), under all these blankets to muffle the sound. and then i closed the door.

battery BETTER be fucking dead by tommorow.

also: this lighter is totally fucking with me. when i took it out from underneath the blankets to take the picture, it was completley silent. i left it on the desk in the other room.

two minutes later i hear AIIEE SINS TELL ME AIEEE AIEEE again.

TWO YEARS! why would it spontaneously and inexplicably start talking?!

ps - yes, i am guilty of cross-posting this, but WHAT THE FUCK.

 

[XzanderX]

you are going to hell

 

[xfer]

The best thing about this is picturing your brother coming home, opening his door, freezing...what's that?...creeping toward his bed...does your brother know Japanese? I hope not, or else he's probably sweating bullets by this time...reaching for his covers...pulling them back....AIEEEEEE!!!!

 

[FuSoYa]

You should just be thankful that it's not a KABUKI QUANTUM FIGHTER lighter that could not only make you feel really really guilty but also THRASH YOU WITH HIS POINTY RED HAIR.

 

[xfer]

That game's concept was completely psychotic.

 

[xfer]

Then again, the whole Kabuki thing is one of the more psychotic aspects of Japanese culture.

 

[FuSoYa]

Well Mia was telling me about this thing called Super Kabuki, which is a modernized version of Kabuki.. I guess meaning that instead of using just their hair to whip their foes into submission, the Super Kabukis can attach things to the end, like gears and sprockets. (I imagine them threading the pointy end of their hair through the hole in the gear and knotting it, so that it acts like a jagged weight, and if knotted correctly, can even spin thereby being able to grind flesh from one's face with each well-timed flick of the Super Kabuki's fiery mane.)

 

[BioMechanoid75]

Remember that Nintendo game where you played as a giant floating samurai head and attacked zombies that were taking over the city? I can't remember the name of it right now...

 

[xfer]

After years of playing NES, I'm pretty much jaded to absolutely bizarre concepts from the East. The overwhelming success of a pro-slavery, militaristic mind-control Japanese card game didn't faze me at all.

 

[FuSoYa]

I've been spending the last hour or so trying to figure out what that trapezoidal metal thing is protruding from the possessed lighter's head is, and so.. thinking utilitarian, I've concluded that it must be some kind of heat-sensor thing. The reason it's sharp is because when you light your regular lighter, the flame comes out the top and heats up the metal protrusion. When the protrusion reaches a certain temperature, it swings to the side and the pointed part acts like the hammer of a cap gun- where the part jutting out explodes a cap of gunpowder (because orientals invented that stuff so I'm sure they use it whenever they can), the combustion of which forces a sprocket inside the lighter to spin (placed with inspiration in the lighter because of the Super Kabuki method of attack). The sprocket is made of flint which grinds against a steel nub, causing a flame to burst from this guy's mouth. You use this flame to light your cigarette or rolled up Store 23 horoscope.

 

[xfer]

...unless you left said horoscope at someone's house after sitting through the most boring green bean story ever.

 

[FuSoYa]

Dude I don't know if you noticed, but he had this cigarette, and EVERY SINGLE DRAG produced a coughing fit.

 

[xfer]

Toby, I was laughing hysterically and trying to hide it and wondering if you noticed (when you asked him if he was OK, I almost burst right out). Nobody believes us when we describe the coughing until they've experienced it.

 

[screwdriverqueen]

that thing on his head, although i would love to believe it was some sort of heat-sensor, is a type of headgear called "eboshi" (literally, "raven hat" in japanese!), and it symbolized that you were part of the aristocracy in ancient japan.

the way the lighter cover works is that you pull his head off, revealing the top of the lighter. i should check on him in a little while and see if he's still screaming. i had a dream last night that i checked up on it, and it was enormous, taking up the entire bed. his head was even on the pillow. i pulled his head back and crawled inside, and the thing started screaming again. it really hurt my ears. then i went downstairs and made strawberry pop-tarts, of all things. what an anti-climatic dream.

and by the way, that green bean story wasn't half bad! i was just confused as to why he didn't scream, "don't steal all the green beans, you tampon!" in some sort of faked foreign accent. the tampon would be...microwaved?

 

[xfer]

Mia is apparently sweeter than a watermelon Jolly Rancher for defending that story.

 

[screwdriverqueen]

he looked like a cartoon character.

and he was talking about green beans.

i think it all worked out, somehow.

also: his hair looked like wombat hair! i watched a documentary about wombats in japan, and i couldn't stop staring at his head. the documentary said that wombats have pouches right under their assholes to carry their babies in.

they showed shots of the wombat kids sticking their heads out on occasion. and i kept feeling so bad for that one wombat baby who is unfortunate enough to stick his head out just as a wombat turd falls on his wombat head.

i like the word "wombat," apparently.

in any case, maybe the green bean wombat comic book character guy has a similar pouch that he carries ... spare change or immigrants or antique telephones in?

 

[xfer]

i think wombats are probably too active and energetic to be a perfect parallel to this dude, but the hair thing makes it work.

i think he just looks like a cartoon frat guy. which he is, actually.