The Gospel of SocialNumb, stolen.It all started in a filed where some shepherds where sleeping and where awoken by a star. (those things are noisy, let me tell you!)
Then an angel of the lord appeared and told them a new king was being born in Bethlehem. Then the shepherds rushed off to find the new king that was being born. Meanwhile, back at the manger the Virgin Marry gave birth with out complications and the word of this new king spread across the land. Then 3 Magi showed up with gifts and everyone celebrated the birth of baby Jesus.
King Herod heard about the birth of this new king and sent out all his troops to kill all the the male babies in the area. So an angel of the lord came to warn Joseph and he was able to get his family out of the country into Egypt.
When Jesus was 12 years old, Joseph and Marry took Jesus to Jerusalem for the passover as was the custom. They where bull shitting about and lost Jesus. 3 days later they finally found him in the temple talking shit with the teachers and asking questions. Mary asked Jesus "yo! wtf?" Jesus said "Bitch! I must be about my fathers business"
Then Jesus went missing for 18 years. When he appears again he is 30 years old and in need of baptism. So he went to John the Baptist who performed the service. Then Jesus spent 40 days and 40 nights in the wilderness being tempted by the devil. Then it was on to the miracles.
Then Jesus hit Jerusalem, literally. He was very angry at the present authorities and they felt the same way about him. So they plotted to kill his fake prophet ass. Jesus knew he was in for some shit the next day so he prepared to have one last meal with his disciples. They all enjoyed eating his flesh and drinking his blood. He tells his disciples to remember him during this dinner.
So now Jesus is getting slapped around while being asked questions regarding his claim. He of course never using a strait answer responds in parables. The dudes get more pissed off and judge Jesus. "Death to this blasphemer" Pilot receives the news and is pressured to give quick judgment.
So Pilot is all like "Here is your king" "Shall I crucify your king?" So off he goes to the crucifixion process. He is on the cross talking bull shit to the sky and dies. For some reason this tore the temple curtain in two.
Then Jesus rose from the dead. He was lifted up on a magic cloud which took him from the onlookers sight. As this was happening Jesus mumbled some shit about being with you always, until the end.
So, what happened then?
Jesus is said to have lived in the first 3 decades AD, dying somewhere in about the year 33. The Gospels all came later, Mark. Clearly derived from Mark we have Matthew, Luke and John. Mark mentions the destruction of the Jewish temple which happen around the year 70. So the Gospels came later than that, probably much later. So we have a gap of 4 decades or more.
Most of what we know about this period (4 dec.) comes from a man who said he saw Jesus in a vision. The Apostle Paul formally known as Saul of Tarsus. So Paul was hanging out in Damascus about to pack his shit and go when suddenly the lord appeared to him and said "Yo! Saul, wtf? Get out there and spread the word of Jesus Christ" So Paul claimed. He did so with a vengeance. So he traveled around bitching and moaning and selling salvation. Leaving little christian sects behind. Who formed the early Christian Church. Paul wrote a shit load of letters about Christianity. In fact he wrote about 80, 000 words about the Christian religion. These documents represent almost all we have about the history of Christianity during these decades long gap.
If Jesus was a human that recently lived, nobody told Paul. Paul never heard of Marry, Joseph, Bethlehem, Herod, John the Baptist, non of the miracles. He never quotes anything that Jesus supposedly had said. He never mentions Jesus having a ministry of any kind at all. He doesn’t know anything about an entrance into Jerusalem. He never mentions Ponches Pilot or a Jewish mob or a trail at all. Paul doesn’t know anything about the story we know of Jesus. Except, Christ on the cross, The Resurrection and The Ascension. Paul never even put those events on earth.
Only thing Paul knows is all the same shit that was attributed to many savior gods of the time. Paul’s Jesus Christ: Died, Rose and Ascended all in the mythical realm. Paul doesn’t believe that Jesus was ever a human being. He wasn’t even aware of the idea.
And he is the link between the time of Jesus and the Gospels of that life. Kinda weird huh?
So, now the story is: Jesus lived, everyone forgot, and then they remembered. Thanks Paul!
Allegorical literature was extremely common in those days and could account for many flaws in the Bible.
What say you?
Yes, I'm bored.
