Jesus Loves Satori

[Satori]

Satori and Jesus Take a Stroll Through the Foothills
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Satori: Jesus, why is god such a fucking cunt-faced prick?
Jesus: Well, Satori, he's got something up his ass or other.
Satori: What's up his ass?
Jesus: You see, god isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Satori: He isn't? (wide eyed)
Jesus: Certainly not, you know all that jazz about how humans such as yourself were made in the image of god right?
Satori: Sure.
Jesus: Well think about it, humans were made what - 6000 thousand years ago? That's a long time by human standards.
Satori: I don't see what you are meaning by that.
Jesus: Well dear Satori, the humans that existed 6000 years ago were a bunch of stupid savages who fucked each other over with cruelity, deception, and fear.
Satori: Oh, you mean since god made these idiots in his own image then that means that god is a savage just like them?
Jesus: Yep, you got it.
Satori: But wait, humans were able to overcome these negative characteristics, why not god?
Jesus: Were they? Really? Look around you, the savage is still there beneath the surface, you've just learned to contain it.
Satori: Then why can't god learn to contain it?
Jesus: God doesn't "learn". He's god. He knows everything already. If he hasn't thought of it, it doesn't exist (so he says).
Satori: So the concept of unconditional love and compassion is a foreign concept to god?
Jesus: Yep, completely foreign.
Satori: Couldn't you talk to him about this?
Jesus: I've tried, he says he knows what I'm going to say before I can open my mouth and he dismisses the conversation before it begins. I think he's just afriad of admitting that he's made a mistake, he's got this massive ego y'know.
Satori: Oh I know about his massive ego. He had me kissing his ass 24/7 when I was a kid, bleh, what a waste of life.
Jesus: Yea, he insists everyone kiss his ass all the time, it's why he made humans in the first place y'know.
Satori: Really?! Wow, that's pretty pathetic.
Jesus: Yea, tell me about it.
Satori: So he'll NEVER listen to you?
Jesus: No, he thinks he knows everything, meanwhile, good people are rotting in hell while heaven is over-run with rapists and murderers who recanted on their death bed.
Satori: That doesn't sound very fair.
Jesus: That's what I tried to tell him, but he doesn't listen, he just says "I am god, I know all, I see all, now shut-up my son".
Satori: Then why is it that humans have a more open mind than god?
Jesus: Because humans were fortuante enough to undergo a great deal of intellectual evolution.
Satori: Oh, I see, and god is too full of himself to learn from us lowly primates I guess eh.
Jesus: Or me, even.
Satori: You know what, god really is prick.
Jesus: Oh yea.
Satori: So I'll see you in hell then?
Jesus: Yep, but I can only visit on Saturday's and Tuesday's, so make sure to save me a seat in the theological conversation lounge, Satan's got some ideas that'll make your head spin!
Satori: So you enjoy visiting hell?
Jesus: Of course! It's my only escape from the dogma and ass-kissing.
Satori: You know what Jesus? I love you.
Jesus: I love you too Satori.

[With that Jesus lights up a huge joint, hands it to Satori, and ascends into the heavens]

 

[E V I L]

hehe,

Don't you know I hold company with the "Holy Spirit"? He's cooler than Jesus can ever be! He's been around much, and has experienced shit Jesus wished he experienced! Indeed Jesus can't hang next to the Holy spirit. The holy spirit once remarked to me like this:

"Shit, jesus, he ain't no thang. Fool only smokes the weed, but Fuck it! I am the WEED!"

I said like this "hell yeah, mofo"

We slapped each other five and strolled down the streets of Bronx. And the sun set, and the stars shone, and God was nowhere to be seen.

 

[E V I L]

p.s.: some people on this board know about me and Sat. I'm not trying to overcome him or anything, just chilling out. hope that's understood.....


cheers Satori for the funny (but sadly true) dialogue.

 

[S4R]

wonderous story Satori. I have always tried to see things from a more "divine" point of view, such as god's, but I can't seem get my head that far up my ass.

 

[S4R]

"God is powerful, but also insecure; like Barbara Striesand before James Brolin...ohh he's a rock." --Homer Jay Simpson

 

[Wolff]

-That cross you wear around your neck; is it only a decoration, or are you a true Christian believer?

-Yes, I believe - truly

-Then I want you to remove it at once!and never to wear it within this castle again!Do you know how a falcon is trained my dear?
Her eyes are sown shut.Blinded temporarily she suffers the whims of her God patiently, until her will is submerged and she learns to serve - as your God taught and blinded you with
crosses.

-You had me take off my cross because it offended....

-It offended no-one. No - it simply appears to me to be discourteous to... to wear the symbol of a deity long dead. My ancestors tried to find it. And to open the door that seperates us from our Creator.

-But you need no doors to find God. If you believe....

-Believe?! If you believe you are gullible.Can you look around this world and believe in the goodness of a god who rules it? Famine, Pestilence, War, Disease and Death! They rule this world.

-There is also love and life and hope.

-Very little hope I assure you. No. If a god of love and life ever did
exist... he is long since dead.Someone... something rules in his place.

 

[Satori]

Just as Evil and the Holy Spirit parted ways for the evening, Satori appeared to the Holy Spirt in a brilliant flash of light.

HS: Oh fuck yo! What da 'ell is goin on?
Sat: Oh, just lighting up this roach I got from Jesus.
HS: Jesus? That cunt? What you be smokin his weed for?
Sat: He gave it to me, what am I supposed to do, say no?
HS: Well, I guess not, is it any good.
Sat: Oh yea, very nice, want some?
HS: (takes a haul) Fuck me! This is my weed!
Sat: No, I got it from Jesus, seriously.
HS: That cunt! He's into my stash again.
Sat: He did seem a little too generous with it.
HS: What a prick-faced cunt! Stealing my bud and then giving it to the mortals as if it were his own shit.
Sat: But isn't that what Jesus does? He opens the eyes of the mortals to you, the Holy Spirit?
HS: Yea, and then he gets all the credit, I'm sick of this shit. All this "hail Jesus, praise Jesus" crap, that should be my glory, they should be praising me!
Sat: Do you want to be praised?
HS: Not really, but it would be nice to get some recognition for this fine green I've been producing.
Sat: Well, let me be the first. This is some fine weed HS!
HS: Right on yo, you see, dat shit it cool.
Sat: Doesn't god give you any recognition?
HS: Him? His head is so far up his own ass that he doesn't hear much that doesn't translate as an ass-kiss.
Sat: Yea, Jesus was saying how god is a real prick.
HS: He speakth the truth.

[With that the Holy Spirit presents Satori with a fresh bag from his own private stash and seeks out his next assignment].

 

[Obyeybyeogone]

Speaking of Christianity. I just started working on a flash cartoon tonight, it's going to be "The Idiot's guide to the Bible". It will be a cartoon mocking the bible/Christianity, and I'm going to have some Opeth songs and other good songs on there, I'll find a nice spot for "Just another holy war" by Blind Guardian I'll let everyone know when i'm done and post it up. Let's just hope I don't get bored and give up

 

[warsofwinter]

that was cool man ,, hehe I loved the ending ,,,,, weed heheh ,,

"Satori and Jesus meets in Hell-Part 1"

Opening - Satori is now in hell , he's awaiting Jesus at the theological conversation lounge ,

Jesus enter's and looks around like he's looking for someone

Satori: Hey Jesus!! over here
Jesus now walks over and sit's down by Satori

Satori:Hey man ,, here's my pot smokin friend Wars of Winter ,,,,my good friend Duvall and the two finns Hearse and Orchid

Jesus Greats them with the signature hand shake that of course everyone at Gate 16 knows by now

Jesus: I like this place better than Gate 15 , that place is just a bunch of old people that have been in hell for age's

everyone at the table nod's head to agree

Satori: So how's that old motherfucker treating you

Wars of Winterpoints up) He means God

Jesus: Well he's being a self indulged know-it-all asshole as always

ok lets write a play ,,,, someone else continue it please ,, hehe this should be fun ,,

 

[HoserHellspawn]

(Meanwhile...)

HH: So, God?
GOD: Yes, Hoser?
HH: What are they going on about?
GOD: HS and JC are giving Marijuana to the mortals.
HH: Awww... that's nice of them, isn't it?
GOD: NO HOSER, IT IS NOT! Drugs are bad.
HH: Why?
GOD: Because they're bad for you.
HH: Well, if they're bad, then what's all this I'm hearing about "medicinal marijuana"?
GOD: It's liberal bullshit, Hoser.
HH: Bullshit?
GOD: NO SWEARING!
HH: I... but... YOU just swore!
GOD: No I didn't.
HH: I just heard you!
GOD: You heard wrong! I am God, what I say goes.
HH: Oh, so you're saying that even though I KNOW you just swore, you know otherwise, therefore truth is interpretive? I... (zap) ...OW!
GOD: Do NOT say such things!
HH: Why?
GOD Because they are wrong.
HH: But... I... you mean I can't even guess about abstract concepts?
GOD: No, what I say is the only truth.
HH: So I'm not even allowed to use the intellect and perception that you've given me to draw my own conclusions?!
GOD: No. Now repent.
HH: Repent what?!
GOD: You are a human, and therefore a sinner. Tell me I'm a stud and I may not send you to hell.
HH: But... but...
GOD: SAY IT!
HH: I... (zap) OWW! Okay, you're a stud.
GOD: Good. Now tell me I have a big penis.
HH: WHAT?! Okay... I'm getting the hell out of here!
GOD: TELL ME IT'S BIG!
HH: Shiva has a bigger penis than you, you sick fuck. Leave me alone!
GOD: TO HELL WITH YOU!

And thus, the evil sinner Hoser was damned to eternal suffering for his refusal to stroke God's ...ego.

_______________
The preceeding message was brought to you by Pat Buchanan and the Christian Right.

 

[brightoffski]

Originally posted by Wolff
-That cross you wear around your neck; is it only a decoration, or are you a true Christian believer?

-Yes, I believe - truly

-Then I want you to remove it at once!and never to wear it within this castle again!Do you know how a falcon is trained my dear?
Her eyes are sown shut.Blinded temporarily she suffers the whims of her God patiently, until her will is submerged and she learns to serve - as your God taught and blinded you with
crosses.

-You had me take off my cross because it offended....

-It offended no-one. No - it simply appears to me to be discourteous to... to wear the symbol of a deity long dead. My ancestors tried to find it. And to open the door that seperates us from our Creator.

-But you need no doors to find God. If you believe....

-Believe?! If you believe you are gullible.Can you look around this world and believe in the goodness of a god who rules it? Famine, Pestilence, War, Disease and Death! They rule this world.

-There is also love and life and hope.

-Very little hope I assure you. No. If a god of love and life ever did
exist... he is long since dead.Someone... something rules in his place.

I have only heard this as a sample on ToT's "And When He Falleth"
(Love the bit where Vincent says "It offended noone.." )
It is in a Vincent Price movie "The Masque of the Red Death" or something too is it not? I haven't seen it????? Has Anybody?


I have also read a Poe short story that had this name too...But it was suitably cryptic and did not include anything like the above dialogue.
Phew...

 

[S4R]

S4R and Satan converse after S4R has died from heart failure due to ecessive sex

Satan: Welcome. <sounding like James Earl Jones>
S4R: Fuck, why am I in this hell hole.
Satan: You were deemed unworthy of heaven by your creator.
S4R: Unworthy! I'll kick his fucking ass. He may be all powerful, but he doesn't have my left hook.
Satan: Silence! You are now in hell, your soul is mine for all eternity!
S4R: Hey, this place looks just like New Orleans.
Satan: Why, whatever do you mean?
S4R: Wait a minute...This is New Orleans!
Satan: No it's not. <rolling eyes>
S4R: Then why does that sign over there say, Welcome to New Orleans?
Satan: Oh, its true, its true. <sobbing and sounding like Mike Tyson>
S4R: Whats wrong? Satan don't cry, tell me what happened.
Satan: <sobbing> I lost hell. Jesus had a straight flush <more sobbing> what are the chances of that? I had four aces, how could I lose?
S4R: I feel your pain, four aces is not a gamble Satan, you did nothing wrong. I'll help you get hell back from that evil prick Jesus.
Satan: <eyes opening again> You will?
S4R: Sure I will. I was one of the top poker players in the world.
Satan: Geez, thanks S4R, your the best pal a guy could ask for.
S4R: No problem Satan, come on, let's go kick Jesus' ass.
Satan: Yippie! I can't wait. Can we stop for ice cream on the way?
S4R: I don't know, we don't want to spoil your dinner.
Satan: Pretty, pretty, please.
S4R: Oh, alright. You diserve it after making the world so much more entertaining.
Satan: Yes! I am going to get rocky road, its my favorite.
S4R: Ok, ok, settle down. Let's go, its time we show Jesus that you don't mess with Satan.

S4R and Satan descend into hell as they share some rocky road ice cream

 

[Satori]

Satori is busy preening his weed patch when the Virgin Mary appears to him dressed in a tight red dress and fuck-me boots.

VM: Hey Satori, what's shaking?
Sat: Not much, just tending to my crops. After Jesus opened my eyes to the weed of the Holy Spirit I've been too whacked out of my mind to keep on top of things.
VM: Yea, HS has the best weed.
Sat: Doesn't god have any weed?
VM: That cunt? He doesn't share his stuff.
Sat: I think his massive ego doesn't allow him to be kind or generous.
VM: Yea, sometimes I regret letting him "spiritually" fuck me when I was still a stupid virgin.
Sat: Still a virgin? You mean you aren't any more?
VM: Hell no! With a bod like this, do you think I'd spend eternity not getting any?
Sat: I guess not. I know how women tend to turn into horney sluts as they get a little older.
VM: Yea, when I was pregnant with Jesus I took to rubbing myself on the bed post just to get some god-damn satisfaction.
Sat: Why wouldn't Joseph do you?
VM: Cuz god scared the living shit out of him, told him to marry me but he couldn't lay a finger on me or in me until after Jesus was born.
Sat: Your a fine piece of ass, Joseph must've had blue-balls for months.
VM: God only said he couldn't touch me, he didn't say anything about me touching him, and y'know, times were different back then, people were barbaric savages, a wife did as she was told or else got slapped around.
Sat: So what did he have you do?
VM: Is that any question for a lady, or for that matter, the mother of the saviour?
Sat: I guess not. It's none of my business I suppose.
VM: A lady never tells.
Sat: So how did the birth of Jesus go?
VM: It sucked ass! Can you imagine my tight virgin snatch pushing out that little bastard? Ouch!
Sat: He was a bastard?
VM: Well, I wasn't married to his father, so yea.
Sat: Was god there at the birth?
VM: That cunt? He was too busy getting his ass kissed to be bothered to show up.
Sat: Maybe he was there in spirit.
VM: When your on your back with huge bastard coming out of your virgin puss, that "in spirit" shit doesn't count.
Sat: It sounds very painful.
VM: Yea, god has no problem with inflicting pain, he quite gets off on it actually.
Sat: You mean he intended for you to suffer?
VM: Well he didn't exactly prevent it, the cunt.
Sat: Cruel fucker, tsk, tsk. So what was Jesus like growing up?
VM: He was ok for a while, until Joseph knocked me up with James. Jesus was always jealous of his little brother cuz James was a little brighter than Jesus.
Sat: Why don't we hear much about James in modern christianity?
VM: It's cuz god wants to perputrate this myth that I'm still a virgin. I guess the thought of the mother of christ getting pounded by joseph every day didn't fit with god's version of "biblical truth".
Sat: Yea, I can see why he'd want to suppress that bit of information. Kinda shit for James, it's like he never existed.
VM: Even so, god shoudn't have lied about it, damn hypocrite.
Sat: I guess he had a reputation to uphold.
VM: What reputation? Insisting everyone kiss his ass all the time? It doesn't matter anyway, most are much too afriad of him to not kiss his ass around the fucking clock.
Sat: So fear is the prime motivator then?
VM: Of course. Why do you think the bible is half filled with horrible atrocities, senseless brutality, and crucifixtions and stoning and crap like that? It's to scare the crap out of you fools so that you'll kiss his ass out of fear. Duh.
Sat: I guess you're right.
VM: That's the smartest thing you've said today.
Sat: Couldn't god just have made people to kiss his ass merely because they wanted to?
VM: That's like communism, it makes sense in theory, but it doesn't work. God tried it but it didn't work, his own favourite angel Satan lead the revolt against the ass-kissing.
Sat: So why didn't god just make humans without the choice to not kiss his ass?
VM: Cuz god doesn't like that, he wants humans to kiss his ass out of dire fear for their immortal souls, that's what gives him his divine woody.
Sat: That's pretty sad. What's his problem anyway, does he have some self-esteem issues that need addressing?
VM: I tried talking to him about it, I think he realizes he isn't the coolest thing in the universe and he feels bad about it, and the only thing that makes him feel better is making others feel worse by tormenting and psychologically abusing them and having them crawl at his feet like dirty maggots, the cunt.
Sat: Wow, he's such a fucking prick.
VM: Yea, tell me about it, I have to listen to his egotistical "I am GOD" shit every fucking day.


[With that, the Virgin Mary grabs Satori's finest bud and ascends into the heavens, meanwhile, Satori lays admidst his crops and masturbates to the memory of the Virgin Mary's ass in that red dress]

 

[Satori]

HH

Satori

PS: Wit is only an interpretation, hehe.

 

[luke]

Act II

Luke is hiking in the hills behind a small town somewhere in Asia and comes upon a church. Just for novelty, he pokes his head in the door...to find god right in the same very church.

luke:WTF?? *shakes his head in disbelief* I guess that thing about being every where is true, huh?

god:well, It's more like I came down here for a little promotion stunt. You know, like when the backstreet boys do a concert at the shopping mall. Just trying to get the name out.

luke: you were a bit slow off the starting blocks in this part of the world. THe markets already flooded. You're like the no name brand of cola that nobody ever drinks.

god: yeah, and because of it we've had to use some pretty agressive marketing techniques.

luke: don't you worry that the people here will catch on to the contradiction you present by converting through coercion?

god: No. We pretty much just try to bribe them with money from the west. sometimes it doesn't go over to well with the local dieties though. hehehe, then we move on to phase II of the 5 steps to christianity program.

luke: phase 2?

god: war.

luke: hmmm, yeah I guess that does happen sometimes, huh. What're the other 3 phases about.

god: once we get one generation, the others are taught to fear me. I work in mysterious ways you know. That is to say, I don't really work at all. I sit at the bottom of the funnel that you people call tithe. Of course my fat greedy minions skim their fair share off the top first. I used to take responsibilty for miracles and such, that was phase 4, but once that whole pesky 'science' thing started I've been hitting some hard times. Oh, well.

luke: so how do you get along with guys like Bhudda?

god: That fat prick is starting to get a foothold in breadbasket...And the cunts in the west that are falling for his shit are as ignorant of eastern history as the people over here are of the west's.

luke: you can't expect to keep a monopoly on the west forever? Isn't that just a little too exclusive?

god: as long as I can convince the faithful that all these newcomers are just false idols and satanists...

luke: you mean like the whole heavy metal thing back in the 80`s?

god: yeah, that was a good laugh, playing the Judas Preist backwards shit really took the cake.

luke: I guess some people really are gullible enough to fall for your shit. well good luck with them. I'm still trying to find a place where people think for themselves.

god: HAHAHAHA Yeah, good luck to you too.

 

[The intruder88]

*bump* :Spin:

 

[Arch]

I've been enlightened.

 

[Light]

I'm shitting in my pants now, like

 

[Black_paragon]

wha's down da Lord.

Wha's down Blackparagon.

How be yo' ass?

I is puffin' weed. Woah, Nellie!

Diesel.

So's y do sucka's still think yo' ass 'esist, when its claih' dat yo' ass neva'
have, an' da damn little black book has been complete-like disproven in every
sense, an' Brotha' Jesus be some joke sold by authority t' keep da ordinary
dude waaay down?

umm......

 

[Black_paragon]

God = dead


Music = god