I decided to borrow/steal Metalmancpa's idea and make this thread. Post your best jokes here for a good, funny thread. 
Funny Jokes
- Thread starter Belial
- Start date
A man walks into a bar, slumps on the stool and orders two double vodkas. He drinks them down so quickly that the bartender couldn't help but say "Something must really be bothering you. What is it?"
"My younger brother just told me he's gay." The man said. The bartender have him his sincerest simpathy, and the man walked out of the bar.
The next day he returned and ordered three double vodkas. The bartender asked "What is it now?"
"My older brother just told me he's gay." The man said. The bartender gave him a pitying look and the man walked out of the bar.
The next day, the man returned and ordered four double vodkas.
"God damn, doesn't anyone in your family like pussy?" The bartender asked, shocked.
"Yes. My wife." The man said.
"My younger brother just told me he's gay." The man said. The bartender have him his sincerest simpathy, and the man walked out of the bar.
The next day he returned and ordered three double vodkas. The bartender asked "What is it now?"
"My older brother just told me he's gay." The man said. The bartender gave him a pitying look and the man walked out of the bar.
The next day, the man returned and ordered four double vodkas.
"God damn, doesn't anyone in your family like pussy?" The bartender asked, shocked.
"Yes. My wife." The man said.
musicholic
Procrastinate now!
Thats pretty funny...
Heres my attempt:
Man goes to his doctor. Doctor asks him whats wrong. Man says " My sex life is terrible, I haven't been able to make love to my wife". Doctor says " You are just out of shape. Try running 10 miles a day". Man calls the doctor two weeks later. Doctor asks " Hows it going with with you and your wife?" Man says " How should I know? I'm 140 miles from home!".
Heres my attempt:
Man goes to his doctor. Doctor asks him whats wrong. Man says " My sex life is terrible, I haven't been able to make love to my wife". Doctor says " You are just out of shape. Try running 10 miles a day". Man calls the doctor two weeks later. Doctor asks " Hows it going with with you and your wife?" Man says " How should I know? I'm 140 miles from home!".
MetalManCPA
Papa Opeth
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, " I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything.
>It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."
>I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. "Here's your sign."
>It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes." "Here's your sign."
>A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope-Talked 'em into giving up." "Here's your sign."
>I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
>Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me." "Here's your sign."
>We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car,
reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says,"Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
>I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign......until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said........."no I'm delivering a bridge....Here's your sign."
>Anybody you know need a sign today?
>It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."
>I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. "Here's your sign."
>It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes." "Here's your sign."
>A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope-Talked 'em into giving up." "Here's your sign."
>I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
>Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me." "Here's your sign."
>We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car,
reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says,"Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
>I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign......until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said........."no I'm delivering a bridge....Here's your sign."
>Anybody you know need a sign today?
Misanthrope
Latin, NOT Mexican.
Why's a picture of Jesus better than the real thing??
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It only takes one nail to hang the picture!!!!
HAHAHAHA
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It only takes one nail to hang the picture!!!!
HAHAHAHA
These two guys are trying to get in the FBI... they've passed all the tests except for the final one. They had to take a gun... go in the next room, and shoot their wife in order to prove their loyalty to the FBI. The first guy goes in... nothing happens... he comes back out and just says that he can't do it... he loves her way too much. The second guy goes in... you hear BAM BAM BAM... there's a little bit of silence... and then there's chaos... furniture going around everywhere... stuff hitting the walls and everything. He comes out and the FBI director is like... man you ok??? what happened?? is everything cool??? The second guy said "Man... why didn't you tell me there were blanks in this gun??? I had to beat the bitch over the head with a chair!!"
~Zeanra~
Tandtroll
The Suicider
Member
Some of you have probably seen this already before...
Ebonics version of Win98
Compton City Schools has announced that its special Ebonics version of Windows 98, Retitled "Dis Be a Fresh Window" has been leaked to several white suburbs, causing confusion for unsuspecting Caucasian users.
There are numerous differences between Windows 98 and the Ebonics version. When opening the Ebonics version, the familiar Windows chime is replaced with a "phat getto track that melts 'em down wit dope-ass bass."
The opening screen features a Windows logo that is spray painted on a brick wall-along with several gangsta signs, slogans and shout outs.
On the main screen, My Computer is replaced with "Dis My Shit."
The Recycle Bin has been replaced with a Goodwill dumpster, and the Internet Explorer shortcut reads, "Tittie & Booty Sites."
If users are logged on to a network, the Network Neighborhood is replaced with "Da Hood."
Users have their choice of three animated screen savers "Marquee," a lil' G spray-painting dirty words that move across the screen; "Mystify," a 15-year-old crack whore giving birth to 12 children on screen, or "Flying Bullets," a '64 Olds loaded with gangstas doing a desktop drive by.
Users of the Ebonics version will notice several command and dialog box changes:
Break Back In = Reentry
Aww Shit, Nigga = Error
U Betta Recognize = No
Itz All Good = OK
4 Real Doe = Yes
Hold Up, Dawg = Cancel
Do Dat Shit Again = Reset
Nigga, R U Crazy? = Are You Sure?
Hunt Dat Bitch Down = Find
Put A Cap In It = Delete
Games & Shit = Programs
Letter Shit = Documents
The Ebonics version comes standard with a special edition of MicrosoftWorks titled "Homie Essentials." The word-processing program greatly differs from the mainstream program.
Several functions on the title bar have been changed
Dat be Thang = File
I Be Seein' It = View
Put Sumpin In = Insert
Hook It Up = Format
Stuff I Ain't Need = Tools
Number Shit = Table
Break In = Window
What Da Fuck? = Help
Note "Stuff I Ain't Need" does not include spelling or grammar check options.
Also, the familiar "AutoCorrect" has been replaced with "Keepin' It Real."
Ebonics version of Win98
Compton City Schools has announced that its special Ebonics version of Windows 98, Retitled "Dis Be a Fresh Window" has been leaked to several white suburbs, causing confusion for unsuspecting Caucasian users.
There are numerous differences between Windows 98 and the Ebonics version. When opening the Ebonics version, the familiar Windows chime is replaced with a "phat getto track that melts 'em down wit dope-ass bass."
The opening screen features a Windows logo that is spray painted on a brick wall-along with several gangsta signs, slogans and shout outs.
On the main screen, My Computer is replaced with "Dis My Shit."
The Recycle Bin has been replaced with a Goodwill dumpster, and the Internet Explorer shortcut reads, "Tittie & Booty Sites."
If users are logged on to a network, the Network Neighborhood is replaced with "Da Hood."
Users have their choice of three animated screen savers "Marquee," a lil' G spray-painting dirty words that move across the screen; "Mystify," a 15-year-old crack whore giving birth to 12 children on screen, or "Flying Bullets," a '64 Olds loaded with gangstas doing a desktop drive by.
Users of the Ebonics version will notice several command and dialog box changes:
Break Back In = Reentry
Aww Shit, Nigga = Error
U Betta Recognize = No
Itz All Good = OK
4 Real Doe = Yes
Hold Up, Dawg = Cancel
Do Dat Shit Again = Reset
Nigga, R U Crazy? = Are You Sure?
Hunt Dat Bitch Down = Find
Put A Cap In It = Delete
Games & Shit = Programs
Letter Shit = Documents
The Ebonics version comes standard with a special edition of MicrosoftWorks titled "Homie Essentials." The word-processing program greatly differs from the mainstream program.
Several functions on the title bar have been changed
Dat be Thang = File
I Be Seein' It = View
Put Sumpin In = Insert
Hook It Up = Format
Stuff I Ain't Need = Tools
Number Shit = Table
Break In = Window
What Da Fuck? = Help
Note "Stuff I Ain't Need" does not include spelling or grammar check options.
Also, the familiar "AutoCorrect" has been replaced with "Keepin' It Real."
luke
Messianic Subliminal Mind
What do you call a crack head with his hands chopped off?
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Trustworthy
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Trustworthy
Lee_B
Readin' me posts are ya?
Misanthrope
Latin, NOT Mexican.
Unpublished Children's Books
You Were an Accident
Strangers Have the Best Candy
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly
Getting More Chocolate on Your Face
Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
All Dogs Go to Hell
The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver
You Are Different and That's Bad
Pop Goes The Hamster, And Other Great Microwave Games
The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
The Tickling Babysitter
Babar Meets the Taxidermist
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mommy's Purse
The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead
How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear
Barney: The Prison Years
You Were an Accident
Strangers Have the Best Candy
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly
Getting More Chocolate on Your Face
Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
All Dogs Go to Hell
The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver
You Are Different and That's Bad
Pop Goes The Hamster, And Other Great Microwave Games
The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
The Tickling Babysitter
Babar Meets the Taxidermist
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mommy's Purse
The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead
How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear
Barney: The Prison Years
