funny!!!!

This is great! (for the cat-lovers:p)
It was originally posted on the nevermore forum by dead lioness, so thanks to her;)

" Dog's diary Vs. Cat's diary

Dog's Diary entries....

8:00 am Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 amA car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 amGot rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pmLunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pmPlayed in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pmWagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pmMilk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pmGot to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pmWow! Watched TV with my people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pmSleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary....

Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates
are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for
the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to
keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of
escape.. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I
had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending
comments about what a "good little hunter" I am . The audacity! There was
some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary
confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises
and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of
"allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my
advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow -- but at the top o f the stairs. I am convinced that the
other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special
privileges. He is regularly released --and seems to be more than willing to
return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I
observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he
reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him
in an elevated cell, so he is safe....... for now...."
 
Woman ‘tricked into sex’ by penis cream treatment

A Syrian-born airline pilot allegedly tricked a schoolteacher from Haverfordwest into having sex with him by pretending he had to administer ointment on the end of his penis, a jury heard yesterday (Tuesday).

Fadi Sbano, 38, even pretended to know a gynaecologist who advised him on how often to have intercourse with her and whether to thrust "slowly or quickly". And, on the "doctor's advice", he kept a clock on the bedside table to time the sessions.

The teacher put up with the treatment for nine months before telling her doctor.
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Huw Rees, prosecuting, told Swansea crown court: "The allegations here are of rape by deception."

Mr Rees said the pair met while Sbano was based at Gatwick and the teacher was working nearby.

In November, 2000, she discovered a rash of white spots and feared that typhoid, which she contracted on holiday some years before, had returned.

Sbano claimed he was in talks with a gynaecologist who was anxious for a certain cream to be applied, the prosecutor said.

"He (Sbano) suggested he would apply the cream to his penis and apply it inside her.

Mr Rees said the woman found the sessions "Clinical, not at all erotic". She consented only because she believed it was a proper treatment.

"When the insertions took place, and depending on the instructions of his friend, he would thrust slowly or quickly for anything from one to ten minutes,"

Her doctor told her to find out the identity of Sbano's gynaecologist friend but he "became evasive and never gave his name" beyond the word "Ibby".

"It began to dawn on her that he had devised this treatment in order to have sex with her on his terms."

Mr Rees said "Ibby" was traced but said he knew nothing about the treatment.

Sbano was arrested at Heathrow while attending a pilots' training facility.

He claimed the woman had invented the entire story about the "treatment".

Sbano, from Harrow, London, denies nine charges of rape and 11 or obtaining money by deception.

The trial continues.
Click to expand...

source

Hey, can't blame the guy that this woman was so stupid :D
 
Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time." "If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."
 
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