Coupled with my surmounting emotional, mid-pubescent stage of growth, and with the turmoil in my family with my mother having an affair, my father falling into depression and moving to another country, my sister dropping out of school pregnant, it was the ferocity and my unprepared indoctrination into metal in the form of Fear Factory (first Digimortal, then Demanufacture, but most profoundly with Obsolete digipack) that seemed to provide the catalyst for me to start self-mutilating and becoming obsessed with a violence that led to me being humiliated by myself in school, oppressed and yet freed by counselling, but driven to worse and worse by the cruel circle of my self-injury driving my parents into deeper depression and thier depression putting me in deeper and deeper loneliness. It was Fear Factory's 'Obsolete' that provided the energy channel through which I now regretfully wear a permanent latticework of disgusting white silky scars all over my arms, shoulders, chest and belly.
In a reverse effect, it was the intelligent and insightful rage, and also the jilting complexity I found in MuDvAyNe and thier album 'L.D. 50' that most helped put me back on track. I'm not sure what it was about it, but listening to that album a half a dozen times a day seemed to help drain my rage away until I could control myself enough to not self-mutilate. My parents of course thought this music was making me what I had become, but that was not the case, as most metal fans would testify to. It is one of the reasons why MuDvAyNe is still and will always be my most favourite and loved band regardless of how diverse and extreme my tastes can be, as I respect them for the work they had that stopped me killing myself and in turn my parents.
