Looking back...

[Misanthrope]

I guess everyone will get bored with this, maybe not i do not now. The current new year thread made me take alook back at my life not just the current year and honestly i do not know why do i even bother to go on for one more year. I have ruined every single thing i have touched in my life, including my past relationship, i have acomplished nothing, i have lost all my will i have lost all my hope in things improving, I just feel like im 50 and im 20. Its been 10 years since i do not have an entire week when i do not get depressed, its been 10 years since i do not acomplish anything significant, my life has fallen to the point that a pc and this forum keep me alive because im so bored than i almost feel like i need to give up. I do not know how to live through this festivities when everyone goes to their dear ones and i will be siting her posting angry messages at people, wishing i was never born. Im starting a new career in January, programation and it seems like its gonna turn me into a loner that programs corporate solutions that goes back to an empty house to cry and play a guitar, Im too affraid of the future and i do not know how you people do it. I wonder if anyone here ever felt the same way and i would wish to hear what they did to live through it.

 

[CarcassKreator]

I'm in the same situation.

But don't give up! Go and do something, don't sit at home, it will get you more depressed, go out, go meet new people, make friends, find a girlfriend... you'll see how all this would change your life to a better side.

 

[E V I L]

Thanks for sharing Misanthrope.

I was about to click out and sleep till I saw this thread. I know what you're feeling.

Im too affraid of the future and i do not know how you people do it.

Anyone else on this board who knows the feeling, raise their hand please. (raises hand)

I can't really say anything. I get by rather blindly. A part of me feels that as a matter of fact, certain things are meant to be endured in silence, and it sucks. I guess the upside of it is, even suffering can be made into something truly valuable, so nothing is ever lost or wasted. I think it's your responsibility, up to your will, to determine what you make of this year. Next year, you're doing something, so.. and this year was not fruitful, but that's something you'll have to stomach in somehow. You're being defeatist. Sometimes there's joy in overcoming the worst conditions in life. In fact some artists say they don't feel like themselves without some norm of pain in their lives. Don't mean to be cheesy, but it's a mantra people will have to take up and accept and incorporate without apology.

Later

 

[musicholic]

E V I L made some good points about making good with bad situations. I have noticed that many musicians make their best work when they are sad and poor, but when they start to get rich and happy their music starts to suck. Maybe you can pour your negitive emotions into your music and create something there that will help you connect with others.

 

[MetalManCPA]

As you've heard before - I've been dealing with this for 1+ years with my daughter.

It is tough to give advice when you haven't experienced depression for yourself, but you have chosen this board to reach out and cry for help - which is a hugely positive step. No one can climb into your head - no psychiatrist (although they try), no therapist, no pill. They help - but they don't cure. In the end, you need to find the smallest shread of a reason to live. And there are plenty of reasons out there.

And I'll guarantee you , that even though you don't see it, there are many people whose life you've touched that care about you. Care can be just thinking about you, but it is care all the same. Not that inadvertently hurting others is a reason to go on, but I don't think you are as alone as your isolation seems. WHether you think so or not, people would be hurt if you weren't around tomorrow. My daughter physically isolated herself - but teachers, kids in school, family - they all thought about her often. Shit will happen - today, tomorrow, 5 years from now. Life is full of challenges - and dealing with things is part of life.

I hope you can look at the holiday season as a time to reflect on the good things that you've encountered, and don't tell me you have no good experiences - you KNOW you do. Take what is good, and move on.

 

[Opet]

Yes, it was obvious from possibly your first few posts that you weren't a happy guy, Misanthrope.

I've seen and learned so much about depressive attitudes. I don't recall how old you are, but going through puberty can kill some kids...literally. Their bodies are just overtaken by so many changes/chemicals it reeks havoc on the brain! Then you've got, something I've mentioned before, if you make yourself believe life sucks all the time, it will. More mind bending there.

Like Metalman said, chemicals they give you for depression and therapy CAN only do so much and it does come down to the person themselves making that final step...or few steps.

Maybe you can do something with you time. Sometimes, when I've had a lame day or week or month, if I go home and just sit on the couch and start thinking about shit, I get so down it's insane. Sometimes you need one thing (for you it might be your guitar) to direct all your outward anger and frustration onto. Something that you can physically tire yourself with almost. It helps a lot.

Also, you probably already know, remind yourself all the time that life is full of changes. Changes usually turn out to be things that (in my experience) people think suck. They don't like, but it's changed now and there's no going back. Accepting that is a start if you haven't already.

I want to tell you to strengthen your will to live, but how in the hell do you do that unless you've had it since the day you were born? If you have friends that are "strong-spirited" it's good to be with then and talk things out with them.

Finally, in my book of thoughts, something I've noticed people think all the time that are down...YOU'RE NOT ALONE. My partner told me once a long time ago "You don't understand. I could be sitting right next to you, but I still feel so alone." This was before he realized that I did understand, I just didn't know how to tell him I did yet. There a so many people out there that feel the same way you'd laugh if you knew it. Finding them, yeah, that's not easy, but you're not alone.

I hope that helps some...sorry if not. I do try.

"I am so alone, so cold.
My heart is to scarred to glow.
I wish the sunrise to come,
Take my soul...
From this cold, lonely shell
I am free."

 

[Belial]

I know how you feel. I've felt just as hopeless this past year, and although I like to think I've gotten over it, I'd be lying if I said I did.

I've gone through most of what you describes, with the added bonus of being hated by every single God fearing person, and every closed-minded asshole on the planet. This includes my own family, who've shown nothing but disdain for me thus far. They don't care if I live or die, because I attempted suicide a year ago, and they've made a big joke of it and laughed at me every other day for it. Sometimes I even think that hatred is all that exists in the human heart, and I'll be alone and miserable for the rest of my life.

How do I get through this? As sappy as this may sound, the reason I'm still alive right now is because I dream of a better life, where everyone who's important to me likes me, and perhaps have someone who will "love" me for the person I am. Basically the opposite of my life right now. It seems impossible, but I strive for this goal with every breath, and so long as I believe it can happen I will not accept defeat graciously. Recently I've met some people who've demonstrated that people do have the capacity to care about me as a person, and like me instead of hate me. I guess you can say those people are also a constant motivation for me.

All I can say is things can get better if you believe i can. You have to have faith in yourself and do something to release all that pent up emotion. Me, I pump up the volume on my death metal and growl like a maniac, which you probably noticed.

I guess I should thank my callous family. The angst they embedded in me gave birth to my metal voice.

 

[Belial]

That Iced Earth song, "Stand Alone" has basically become my theme song since it reflects my life so well.

 

[MetalManCPA]

Originally posted by Belial
I've gone through most of what you describes, with the added bonus of being hated by every single God fearing person, and every closed-minded asshole on the planet. This includes my own family, who've shown nothing but disdain for me thus far. They don't care if I live or die, because I attempted suicide a year ago, and they've made a big joke of it and laughed at me every other day for it. Sometimes I even think that hatred is all that exists in the human heart, and I'll be alone and miserable for the rest of my life.

The family part REALLY sucks. I can't even imagine being anything but supportive (as a parent myself). Cudos to you for getting through that crap, and making it to today and beyond.
[metalmancpa high-fives Belial]