My buddy Jesus.

[S4R]

What would Jesus do? Fuck this question because I know what Jesus has done.


Last week he came over to my house, no shit. We watched a few episodes of The Simpsons I had recorded (it's his favorite show) and lit up a few joints in the process. He remarked how much more potent weed had become since the last time he smoked up, sometime around the battle at Waterloo is what he said. After that we had a few buddies over for a poker game. I'll just tell you it got pretty ugly. Jesus has quite an extensive vocabulary if you catch my drift. Anyway, for the record Jesus still owes my friend Paul twenty bucks; don't let him tell you otherwise. We passed out sometime after midnight, and at about three in the morning God pounded on my door and was yelling at Jesus for not appearing in a cloud of smoke over in Hong Kong. I was pissed, I was having a dream in which I was in an orgy with these three hot red heads, oh man it was great.


p.s. Satori, I asked Jesus and he said you were going to hell, but don't worry so is EVIL, so you'll have something to do.

 

[Obyeybyeogone]

There was a guy on Junkyard Wars named Jesus once (No, I don't have a point in case you're wondering)

 

[Evisceratrix]

the most strange show i have ever seen in my life was this 'band' Jon the baker from NY. my friend had contacted them through email and had arranged for them to come play at this little local all ages club...
well, one dude whos about 40 years old shows up in a van with an accoustic guitar. apparently his entire band was in rehab somewhere.
he probably shouldve been too! anyway, he had a cool song called 'jesus was a drunk.'

the lyrics were like:
"he said drink this wine
and you will feel fine.
eat this bread
and youll never be dead! immortality! BLAAAAAHHHH"

needless to say we were all very entertained that night...i even bought the dudes cd, even though the music was horrible.

just thought id share!

 

[Obyeybyeogone]

lol! I think it's funny that his whole band was in rehab If you want to see another funny band check out "Semi-Automatic Turban" on mp3.com. And it's only funny because they are SOOO pathetic.

 

[Evisceratrix]

oh my god! that was such a quick reply! haha maybe if you reply again itll almost be like were chatting.
(haha sorry this is the most pointless post ive ever made i think!)

 

[Obyeybyeogone]

Hey no problem, I make TONS of pointless posts, about 100 a week (lmao). Yeah I replied fast because I was seeing new posts everytime I finished posting myself.

 

[TyrantOfFlames]

I think Soul4Raziel happens to have a knack for pointles threads...but I'm not complaining...I laughed.

 

[S4R]

Originally posted by TyrantOfFlames
I think Soul4Raziel happens to have a knack for pointles threads...but I'm not complaining...I laughed.

I think we can all agree this place we call Earth needs all the humor it can get.

 

[_Transparent_]

www.jesus.com , you have to read this, its about a bloke that looks like jesus and wants to find a woman , you've probably seen it anyway. and as for the real jesus, how dare he get away with taking your mates $20, the bastard

 

[TravestyOfMan]

Originally posted by _Transparent_
www.jesus.com , you have to read this, its about a bloke that looks like jesus and wants to find a woman , you've probably seen it anyway. and as for the real jesus, how dare he get away with taking your mates $20, the bastard

That's some funny shit. For some reason it reminded me of those skits on 'The Fast Show' (I think that's it) where they were always talking and thinking about Jesus. Like the one where the guy is describing the appearance of the criminal to a police sketch artist and the cop shows him the picture and it looks like Jesus. Sorry...

 

[_Transparent_]

Originally posted by TravestyOfMan


That's some funny shit. For some reason it reminded me of those skits on 'The Fast Show' (I think that's it) where they were always talking and thinking about Jesus. Like the one where the guy is describing the appearance of the criminal to a police sketch artist and the cop shows him the picture and it looks like Jesus. Sorry...

im a big fan of the fast show, and i cant say i remember that sketch, sounds good though, which reminds me, i d/l a song by a band called Monkfish (a good unsigned band) and i tried searching for some more of their songs and in my haste d/l a fast show sketch, you know the one with John Actor as Monkfish the vet

 

[Obyeybyeogone]

I think it's great that jesus.com was taken and used for non-brainwashing purposes

 

[_Transparent_]

Originally posted by Oyo
I think it's great that jesus.com was taken and used for non-brainwashing purposes

i was bored at school and whilst surfing pointless sites such as kitekat.com (dont ask) i found this and was expecting some Priest to talk about religion and jesus, anyone else know some funny religious sites, if you can call them that?

 

[my dying groom]

anyone else know some funny religious sites, if you can call them that?

Yeah, try this one ---> www.capalert.com
Those guys are fucking lunatics! My favorite section is "Analyses of the movies", it's great how profoundly 'American culture' is analyzed with the help of Star Wars

 

[Satori]

Originally posted by Soul4Raziel
p.s. Satori, I asked Jesus and he said you were going to hell, but don't worry so is EVIL, so you'll have something to do.

Aww, how kind of you to think of me in the midst of your inter-dimensional journey. Now I have something to look forward to!

Praise Jesus!

Satori

 

[Satori]

Satori and Jesus Take a Stroll Through the Foothills
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Satori: Jesus, why is god such a fucking cunt-faced prick?
Jesus: Well, Satori, he's got something up his ass or other.
Satori: What's up his ass?
Jesus: You see, god isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Satori: He isn't? (wide eyed)
Jesus: Certainly not, you know all that jazz about how humans such as yourself were made in the image of god right?
Satori: Sure.
Jesus: Well think about it, humans were made what - 6000 thousand years ago? That's a long time by human standards.
Satori: I don't see what you are meaning by that.
Jesus: Well dear Satori, the humans that existed 6000 years ago were a bunch of stupid savages who fucked each other over with cruelity, deception, and fear.
Satori: Oh, you mean since god made these idiots in his own image then that means that god is a savage just like them?
Jesus: Yep, you got it.
Satori: But wait, humans were able to overcome these negative characteristics, why not god?
Jesus: Were they? Really? Look around you, the savage is still there beneath the surface, you've just learned to contain it.
Satori: Then why can't god learn to contain it?
Jesus: God doesn't "learn". He's god. He knows everything already. If he hasn't thought of it, it doesn't exist (so he says).
Satori: So the concept of unconditional love and compassion is a foreign concept to god?
Jesus: Yep, completely foreign.
Satori: Couldn't you talk to him about this?
Jesus: I've tried, he says he knows what I'm going to say before I can open my mouth and he dismisses the conversation before it begins. I think he's just afriad of admitting that he's made a mistake, he's got this massive ego y'know.
Satori: So he'll NEVER listen to you?
Jesus: No, he thinks he knows everything, meanwhile, good people are rotting in hell while heaven is over-run with rapists and murderers who recanted on their death bed.
Satori: That doesn't sound very fair.
Jesus: That's what I tried to tell him, but he doesn't listen, he just says "I am god, I know all, I see all, now shut-up my son".
Satori: Then why is it that humans have a more open mind than god?
Jesus: Because humans were fortuante enough to undergo a great deal of intellectual evolution.
Satori: Oh, I see, and god is too full of himself to learn from us lowly primates I guess eh.
Jesus: Or me, even.
Satori: You know what, god really is prick.
Jesus: Oh yea.
Satori: So I'll see you in hell then?
Jesus: Yep, but I can only visit on Saturday's and Tuesday's, so make sure to save me a seat in the theological conversation lounge.
Satori: So you enjoy visiting hell?
Jesus: Of course! It's my only escape from the dogma and ass-kissing.
Satori: You know what Jesus? I love you.
Jesus: I love you too Satori.

[With that Jesus lights up a huge joint, hands it to Satori, and ascends into the heavens]

 

[BillowOfZeal]

Sorry, I had to reply just to keep this post going....it is just too funny....i love you guys.
Jay

 

[HoserHellspawn]

According to Jesus.com (GREAT site, heehee), Jesus's recommeded listening includes Darkthrone and Burzum! Heheheheh!