My Friend Is "Defenseless"

[sharward]

I just learned tonight that a close friend, someone I've known since high school, is abusing prescription pain medications and lord-knows-what-else. We'll call him "Dave."

He's the one who introduced me to Enchant's music.

I've been singing "Defenseless" (lyrics) in my head ever since I got off the phone with a mutual friend who, with the assistance of others, staged an intervention today. While Dave agreed to go to rehab, he unfortunately left after just ten minutes.

His wife and daughter are now out of the house. His family and friends (local to him, I moved away years ago) have put their relationship with him "on hold" until he goes to rehab. I have been encouraged to do the same.

I'm in that uncomfortable position now of wanting to do something, anything, to help... Yet I realize the heavy lifting is for him to do.

He already knows that I love him and support him and that he can always count on our friendship, a point I expressed and reinforced just a couple of weeks ago during an extended visit following some very stressful events in his life (not all bad).

This post is to express thanks for "Defenseless" as well as a call to the fellow fans here to share their thoughts, including any similar experiences y'all may have had or are having... No names, of course...

--Keith

 

[jyng]

Hi sharward,

Yeah, that's some very tough stuff to go through.

Years ago my little brother was going through a similar experience - and we did all we could do to help, which only made things worse. With us being there for his every need he wouldn't work at trying to help himself. He pretty much lost everything and now he can't even stay focused enough to keep a job.

IMHO, I think you're doing the right thing. I'm sure Dave appreciates knowing you'll always be his friend, but he's definitely got a hard road to go down. I'll keep you all in my prayers.

 

[sharward]

Sorry to hear about your brother, Jay. Thanks for the support.

I have an older sister who got hooked on heroin 15+ years ago. She's on methadone therapy now. A combination of drug addiction and metal illness have made for some challenging times, that's for sure. Drug Addiction » Mental Illness... Mental Illness » Drug Addiction... Chicken » Egg? Egg » Chicken?

Anyway, heroin is of course an opiate, as is the prescription med that I know for a fact now that he's been abusing of late.

My friend has so much to lose. He's already lost a great deal, which I attributed to a flawed business strategy and stress, but I'm now questioning that assessment. There is so much more to lose, materially speaking... But the family, that's what really worries me now.

 

[Rick Pierpont]

Hey Keith,

Sorry to hear about your friend! I know you are in a tough spot. It really sucks to see someone destroying their life and not really having any power to change it.

Many years ago I had a good friend from high school get hooked on crack. I didn't hang around him any more. Then I was told that he cleaned up and went over to his place one night with a few friends. Another guy that I didn't recognize (even though he sat next to me in a class) stopped over and he and my other friend disappeared for a bit. I found out what they were doing and immediately left - never looking back That happened in 1994. Imagine my surpirse when he contacted me a few months ago on MySpace. I had no idea he was even still alive. When I realized who it was chills went over my whole body. The good news is that he did clean himself up and has been clean for about 7 years now. I can't believe he survived such a terrible addiction, but I'm glad he made it OK. Now I hope the same for your friend - BEFORE he does too much irreversible damage (physically, mentally, and his family).

However, I do question my judgement at the time. I don't question me walking out, but I do question whether I should've contacted him afterwards to explain my actions (so he could understand the impact of his self-destruction) and to urge him to get help. I understand not enabling this guy "Dave". And clearly, now is not the time to act like nothing is wrong. However, I have to wonder about the true effectiveness of cutting him off from everyone. If he interprets it as no one cares, then it seems like it could make things worse. Of course you can't get all wrapped up in his issues either since he does have to work things out himself and you do have your own life to live -- its just a hard call all around.

I wish the best for your friend and you (I know its hard on you too)!

Take care, Keith!

 

[sharward]

Great story, Rick, and great questions you raise.

I'm not aware of the exact details, but I'm pretty sure it was made clear to my friend by everyone involved that they are all behind him but it is kind of a "tough love" situation -- with emphasis on the "love" part.

So far I'm pretty sure he doesn't know that I know about these latest events. I'm considering giving him a call, "playing dumb" at first, just to see what all he tells me, even if for no other reason but to let him know he's not alone......

Maybe I'll start with a call to his mom.

 

[sharward]

I called his dad... I didn't ask much and he volunteered even less, but I was able to convey my empathy an support, which was the purpose of my call.

I then called "Dave" to see what was going on with him. I'm pleased that he didn't try to pretend everything was fine. All the info he shared with me synched with what I was told.

Bottom line, he is aggressively weaning himself off the Vicodin and claims he'll be done with it tomorrow.

I told him I support him and have had him in my thoughts non-stop since I got the news. He really appreciated that.

I also took a somewhat "neutral" stance on the tactics employed my his family and friends: saying I understand their position and stance, while keeping the door open to communications and mildly encouraging him to go the rehab route if for no other reason but to be able to reconnect with everyone again, even if he thinks it's at best unnecessary and at worst a waste of time.

Our conversation would have been longer, but he had an appointment with his pastor, so I bowed out. The conversation closed with him knowing that I'm there for him.

I guess that's the best I could hope for at this point.

--Keith

 

[Viadragon]

Hi Keith,

It sounds like you're doing the best thing for your friend--letting him know you care, you love him, support him, but staying somewhat "neutral". You can meet him halfway with your help--he has to, as you said, do the "heavy lifting" himself.

In my own life, I lived with my ex-husband's alcoholism/addiction problem and relapses/recovery, but ultimately had to leave him to keep myself and my child sane and healthy. It's sad, it's tragic, when a family is broken apart, but sometimes the alternative is even worse. What added to our struggle was the fact that he was also bipolar...the ole chicken/egg question...

I think it may also help to step back and look at addiction and mental illness as you would diabetes, or high blood pressure: the patient has to make the conscious decision to take the meds or follow the restrictions or changes in lifestyle in order to stay healthy or even alive.

It's so complex, it can be so discouraging, but on the other hand, the recovery, the success, can be so enlightening and amazing.

I wish your friend, his family and you, Keith, strength and continued hope.

~Kristin

 

[sharward]

Thanks for sharing your story, Kristin.

A couple of updates...

Dave's wife and daughter are back at home now after he agreed to weekly testing showing zero drugs in his system, allowing to gradually reduce the dosage of the one that could be extremely dangerous if he stopped it suddenly.

He feels betrayed by his family and friends who he is convinced were scared into the intervention by the third party "intervention specialist" they used.

I also spoke at length with his lifelong friend who was at the forefront of the intervention... I learned even more details, many of which are of deep concern.

My wife raised some excellent points as well. While he has an acute problem that he seems intent on solving, we remain unconvinced that he's addressing the underlying causes of his unhealthy coping mechanisms.

He feels surrounded by burning bridges, convinced that he's not responsible for their ignition.

I will continue to nudge at in-patient rehabilitation and do all I can to preserve the integrrity of the bridge that connects us. Although it's obviously not up to me to save his relationships between him and "the interveners" who love him. I feel like I'm helping to frame their motivations in ways that he can understand and appreciate.

 

[sharward]

I've taked to "Dave" a couple of times since everything went down... All in all, things are getting better, one day at a time.

Supposedly the Vicodin is done with, and the prescribed med is being slowly tapered off under the close supervision of the psychiatrist who prescribed it.

It appears that relationships are on the mend now.

During our last talk, I was able to express my deep concern about the manner in which he coped with the stresses in his life, and that even though the sources of those particular stresses are behind him, I worry about the next stressful situations that life deals out at times.

I was impressed by his humility: something that even he would tell you has been lacking in his life until recently. He stopped short of promising never ever to relapse (which I suppose is realistic), but was honest in his belief that he sincerely hopes he will not and that he would do everything in his power not to.

He expressed his gratefulness for my support in ways I'm not used to hearing.

I'll be visiting him again in a few weeks (airfare booked) -- something that had been planned before all this went down, which I had then became uncertain would happen, but I am now sure is wanted by him and his family.

Thanks again for the personal stories and well-wishes.