(I have witnesses for most of these events, otherwise I wouldn't believe some of them)
Also for you forgeiners, I cant be botherd working out locatins for you, so read it and enjoy)
CAST-Keith-the Junkie-me
Cooper-The lord of drink
Paul-The lord of dangerous driving-evil twin
1) Got dragged(HA!) to a party in Rainhill. I still don't really know where that is despite driving there. Everyone I ask where we are gives me names of places and villages I don't know. Consider the chance of getting home unaided slim. Settle into the idea of being here for a while.
2) Systematically with cooper either made everyone at the party love and worship us as gods of comedy and drink. Literally have two people on their knees with laughter with some of our stories and jokes. We are lords of this party.
3)And offend the two arseholes who went.(one was almost certainly Tubs from the league of gentlemen Personality, not looks) We are invited back. They are not.
4)Got Paul(Bastard twin) hideously smashed at mine(free house hahaha) on a relatively poor drink. Spend the rest of the night taking care of him. Wake up at 6am to check he is OK. He is showered dressed, CLEAN SHAVEN and ready to got to work in 20 mins. But he has ruined his socks gettting clothes from the car. I lend him a pair in awe.
5)(this is where is starts getting mad) Go to crazy house in Liverpool on Saturday.(Seriously this was either a brilliant or insane idea on its own)
6)It is Pauls friends birthday. Drink is bought. Hugs are given. Am introduced to the most spectacularly camp man known to anyone. Am still not sure if he is gay or not, mainly due to several stories about him having an abusive Girlfriend that makes him go out like that.
7)Me and cooper retire to 2nd floor bar. Good music. We are smiling. The barmaid is familiar from somewhere, so we smile a lot and get served faster. Decide to stay at bar for a while
8) Legs tired. Must sit down. Sit next to two girls. It is one of their birthdays too. You know procedure.
9) AFTER 2 BAR RUNS. I hear cooper utter the immortal phrase "Fuck off for five minutes and take her friend with you". I spend the next X amount of time making awkward small talk with Friend.
10) Decided cooper will find me. Back to bar downstairs. There is a really drunk guy next to me. But his WIFE(31, I asked for ID) is really interested in me. The phrase "You're a babe" Is used quite frequently(Not by me)
11)I couldnt help myself
12)Back at bar. Cooper has appeared, so has Paul. Bouncers come and throw out drunk husband. Woo and indeed Hoo.
13) Bouncers come and throw out ME for talking to him, despite barmaids protesting.
14)On street with husband vainly trying to get wifes phone number.After 20 fruitless minutes I fail. I give up and walk off.
15) See girl crying on corner. Cant ignore this(I'm not an utter bastard) Ask whats wrong. She says something about being thrown out of Krazyhouse, failing degree, and taking me to a party.
16)How could I say no?
17)Get to party, am dragged upstairs AGAIN(I really don't know what I did that night. I really, really dont. I wish I did)(Side note, She was more sober than me. Again, I'm not an utter bastard.)
18)She drunkenly says something about a big ex boyfriend who may be here.
19)Apologize, get phone no and run like fuck(Not at the ex, it is about 2.40, I'm on the other side of Liverpool, and I have no cash. I need the lift home)
20)After running for five mins or so realize that the number is on my arm in lipstick(Phone was in car) Get worried it may rub off. Desperately start trying to memorize 11 random numbers.
21)Fail. Become very aware that Liverpool is a big place. Keep running for another 20 mins. Thankfully the gods of "Yay, Keith!" are on my side and things start looking familiar.
22) Nearly back at car. See Susan(31 year old)waiting at bus stop. With husband. Discreetly informs me that Cooper has her number Cooper you golden god!
23)Wait on car bonnet for Paul and cooper. Get into conversation with couple as they walk past. Ends in them inviting me and whoever I may be with back to their flat for a nightcap.
24)Cooper and Paul appear. Paul is pissed off. Cooper has lost Susans number apart from 015(I assume this is a)a home number, not wise and b) part of Liverpool area code. Cooper you arse)
25)Paul explains why pissed off, open boot, check phone. 7 txts and 10 missed calls(In my defense I had no credit anyway and they werent going anywhere without the car)
26)Introductions are made, We adjourn back to married couple #2 flat(Cant recall names, but cooper might be able to will check)
27)Become VERY aware that if I drink much more I may not feel to Grande tomorrow(I've learnt my lesson well)
28)I am announced as the sober one who must drive home. In Pauls car. which is very different to mine. Fuck. Am nervous as hell but they wont let us crash here so we make a move.
29)Get car rolling, but keep fucking the clutch up and stalling and revving, I am now feeling VERY sober and shitting self in case police appear.
I can promise that everything there is totally true to the best of my memory. I have witnesses for most of it and if I ever find the two women again, they will verify the rest.
This is my life. You won't believe it if you aren't there to watch it.
Also for you forgeiners, I cant be botherd working out locatins for you, so read it and enjoy)
CAST-Keith-the Junkie-me
Cooper-The lord of drink
Paul-The lord of dangerous driving-evil twin
1) Got dragged(HA!) to a party in Rainhill. I still don't really know where that is despite driving there. Everyone I ask where we are gives me names of places and villages I don't know. Consider the chance of getting home unaided slim. Settle into the idea of being here for a while.
2) Systematically with cooper either made everyone at the party love and worship us as gods of comedy and drink. Literally have two people on their knees with laughter with some of our stories and jokes. We are lords of this party.
3)And offend the two arseholes who went.(one was almost certainly Tubs from the league of gentlemen Personality, not looks) We are invited back. They are not.
4)Got Paul(Bastard twin) hideously smashed at mine(free house hahaha) on a relatively poor drink. Spend the rest of the night taking care of him. Wake up at 6am to check he is OK. He is showered dressed, CLEAN SHAVEN and ready to got to work in 20 mins. But he has ruined his socks gettting clothes from the car. I lend him a pair in awe.
5)(this is where is starts getting mad) Go to crazy house in Liverpool on Saturday.(Seriously this was either a brilliant or insane idea on its own)
6)It is Pauls friends birthday. Drink is bought. Hugs are given. Am introduced to the most spectacularly camp man known to anyone. Am still not sure if he is gay or not, mainly due to several stories about him having an abusive Girlfriend that makes him go out like that.
7)Me and cooper retire to 2nd floor bar. Good music. We are smiling. The barmaid is familiar from somewhere, so we smile a lot and get served faster. Decide to stay at bar for a while
8) Legs tired. Must sit down. Sit next to two girls. It is one of their birthdays too. You know procedure.
9) AFTER 2 BAR RUNS. I hear cooper utter the immortal phrase "Fuck off for five minutes and take her friend with you". I spend the next X amount of time making awkward small talk with Friend.
10) Decided cooper will find me. Back to bar downstairs. There is a really drunk guy next to me. But his WIFE(31, I asked for ID) is really interested in me. The phrase "You're a babe" Is used quite frequently(Not by me)
11)I couldnt help myself
12)Back at bar. Cooper has appeared, so has Paul. Bouncers come and throw out drunk husband. Woo and indeed Hoo.
13) Bouncers come and throw out ME for talking to him, despite barmaids protesting.
14)On street with husband vainly trying to get wifes phone number.After 20 fruitless minutes I fail. I give up and walk off.
15) See girl crying on corner. Cant ignore this(I'm not an utter bastard) Ask whats wrong. She says something about being thrown out of Krazyhouse, failing degree, and taking me to a party.
16)How could I say no?
17)Get to party, am dragged upstairs AGAIN(I really don't know what I did that night. I really, really dont. I wish I did)(Side note, She was more sober than me. Again, I'm not an utter bastard.)
18)She drunkenly says something about a big ex boyfriend who may be here.
19)Apologize, get phone no and run like fuck(Not at the ex, it is about 2.40, I'm on the other side of Liverpool, and I have no cash. I need the lift home)
20)After running for five mins or so realize that the number is on my arm in lipstick(Phone was in car) Get worried it may rub off. Desperately start trying to memorize 11 random numbers.
21)Fail. Become very aware that Liverpool is a big place. Keep running for another 20 mins. Thankfully the gods of "Yay, Keith!" are on my side and things start looking familiar.
22) Nearly back at car. See Susan(31 year old)waiting at bus stop. With husband. Discreetly informs me that Cooper has her number Cooper you golden god!
23)Wait on car bonnet for Paul and cooper. Get into conversation with couple as they walk past. Ends in them inviting me and whoever I may be with back to their flat for a nightcap.
24)Cooper and Paul appear. Paul is pissed off. Cooper has lost Susans number apart from 015(I assume this is a)a home number, not wise and b) part of Liverpool area code. Cooper you arse)
25)Paul explains why pissed off, open boot, check phone. 7 txts and 10 missed calls(In my defense I had no credit anyway and they werent going anywhere without the car)
26)Introductions are made, We adjourn back to married couple #2 flat(Cant recall names, but cooper might be able to will check)
27)Become VERY aware that if I drink much more I may not feel to Grande tomorrow(I've learnt my lesson well)
28)I am announced as the sober one who must drive home. In Pauls car. which is very different to mine. Fuck. Am nervous as hell but they wont let us crash here so we make a move.
29)Get car rolling, but keep fucking the clutch up and stalling and revving, I am now feeling VERY sober and shitting self in case police appear.
I can promise that everything there is totally true to the best of my memory. I have witnesses for most of it and if I ever find the two women again, they will verify the rest.
This is my life. You won't believe it if you aren't there to watch it.
