- Feb 2, 2002
- 6,701
- 71
- 48
- 51
Thanks, Scott308. (He e-mailed this to me)
> New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
classmates.com! There's a
>> reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
>> particularly like them! Besides,
>> I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days:
>> mowing my lawn.
>>
>> New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
>> you're a seagull. People
>> are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's
>> chili. Hey, it cost
>> less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
>>
>> New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
>> blonde teachers are
>> permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky
>> bastards.
>>
>> New Rule : If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
>> you're a dope. If you're a
>> kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man,
>> they're pictures of men.
>>
>> New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
>> about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
>>
>> New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle
>> of this crap at the
>> supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored
>> water is called a soft
>> drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it
>> melt. That's your flavored
>> water.
>>
>> New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
>> redesigned pill bottle that's
>> square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the
>> time grandpa figures out
>> how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target,
>> you just solved the
>> Social Security crisis.
>>
>> New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
>> asshole. If you walk into a
>> Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla,
>> double-shot,
>> gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and
>> one NutraSweet," ooh,
>> you're a huge asshole.
>>
>> New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
>> card, entering my PIN
>> number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no , I don't
>> want cash back, and
>> pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is
>> standing there eating my
>> Almond Joy.
>>
>> New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
>> make you spiritual. It's
>> right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with
>> broccoli." The last time you
>> did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
>> You're not spiritual.
>> You're just high.
>>
>> New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
>> sins. ESPN recently
>> televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those
>> athletes at the poker table
>> was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
>> They're already doing
>> that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
>>
>> New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
>> I'll go nuts and eat
>> two.
>>
>> New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
>> old television shows,
>> then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see
>> what's playing on the
>> other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show
>> in the first place is
>> that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
>>
>> New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
>> weddings. Now it's for
>> babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff
>> you want and having other
>> people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of
>> looting.
> New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
classmates.com! There's a
>> reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
>> particularly like them! Besides,
>> I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days:
>> mowing my lawn.
>>
>> New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
>> you're a seagull. People
>> are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's
>> chili. Hey, it cost
>> less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
>>
>> New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
>> blonde teachers are
>> permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky
>> bastards.
>>
>> New Rule : If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
>> you're a dope. If you're a
>> kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man,
>> they're pictures of men.
>>
>> New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
>> about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
>>
>> New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle
>> of this crap at the
>> supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored
>> water is called a soft
>> drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it
>> melt. That's your flavored
>> water.
>>
>> New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
>> redesigned pill bottle that's
>> square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the
>> time grandpa figures out
>> how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target,
>> you just solved the
>> Social Security crisis.
>>
>> New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
>> asshole. If you walk into a
>> Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla,
>> double-shot,
>> gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and
>> one NutraSweet," ooh,
>> you're a huge asshole.
>>
>> New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
>> card, entering my PIN
>> number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no , I don't
>> want cash back, and
>> pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is
>> standing there eating my
>> Almond Joy.
>>
>> New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
>> make you spiritual. It's
>> right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with
>> broccoli." The last time you
>> did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
>> You're not spiritual.
>> You're just high.
>>
>> New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
>> sins. ESPN recently
>> televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those
>> athletes at the poker table
>> was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
>> They're already doing
>> that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
>>
>> New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
>> I'll go nuts and eat
>> two.
>>
>> New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
>> old television shows,
>> then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see
>> what's playing on the
>> other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show
>> in the first place is
>> that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
>>
>> New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
>> weddings. Now it's for
>> babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff
>> you want and having other
>> people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of
>> looting.
