obama puts the heat on mcpain

MESSAGE FROM THE DESK OF THE QUEEN OF THE UNITED KINGDOM

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.&nbs p; (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S.< /SPAN> English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

-------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you 're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

---------------
 
Petition to Annex the United Kingdom as Part of the United States

In the light of your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments (most notably the French) and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a commonwealth of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal codes. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London and far more cultural. We believe the main reason why Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II does not fancy Utah is because it will turn her already sagging and dry skin into a rather hard leathery shell. Besides people over the age of 80 just do not know what they are talking about 75% of the time - the Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Philip is a prime example of this and his son Prince Charles is fast following his example. If you want a national figure head appoint someone much younger and far more attractive.

To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are to be introduced with immediate effect:

1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "alumium" for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminum" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry.

However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Chester Minor.

The letter &#8220;U" will be removed from words such as &#8220;armour" and &#8220;neighbour". Skipping the letter &#8220;U" is not considered laziness on our part since the correct pronunciation of those words would be &#8220;ar-moo-er" and &#8220;nay-boo-er"

You will also end your love affair with the letter &#8220;S" (and by the way, it is pronounced zee, not zed. The pronunciation &#8220;zee" actually comes from late 17th-century English dialect) and the suffix -ise will be replaced with the suffix -ize.

You also seem to pronounce words horribly wrong, even in your own language. Let&#8217;s take Edinburgh for example. You will realize that it is pronounced &#8220;Ed-in-burg", not &#8220;Ed-in-burra". Where does the &#8211;rra come from? If you wish to refer to it still as Edinburgh, we suggest you remove the last two letters and replace them with &#8211;rra.

Cockney rhyming slang will no longer be used, as it is an inefficient way to communicate with another. Say what you mean, there is no need to find another word that rhymes with the word you are trying to say.

2. Since you will switch to the American standard of spelling Microsoft will be notified on your behalf to discontinue the British language pack for the family of Office products.

3. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue. (Here&#8217;s a hint: If you hear the word &#8220;eh" while speaking to someone, this is a clear indication that they are Canadian. Example: Nice weather we&#8217;re having, eh?)

You will also have to learn Southern accents. Cops will no longer broadcast subtitles.

4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, your music industry is great. We&#8217;ll leave that intact. (The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Deep Purple, Iron Maiden and Muse just to name a few). And please stop going on about Shakespeare, the guys been dead for nearly 400 years.

5. It is inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies, especially if that monarch has no role other than ceremonially. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. Rule Britannia will be the tune with which you will sing your next national anthem to. We will get to work on the lyrics immediately.

6. &#8220;Football" as you call it will be a permissible pastime, although you will be required to call it soccer. Police officers will be placed at strategic points around the field and riot gear will always be nearby. If you do cause an incident, we will tear your beloved &#8220;Football" away from you faster than you can say &#8220;Bangers and Mash". The NFL will be started in the UK as well as college Football (The American one) teams. We welcome any two of your rugby players to play an American Football player anytime. We will also be happy to show your rugby players how to wear proper protective gear, so they don&#8217;t lose brain cells every time they play.

7. You will not be allowed to own guns. This is because you fail to see how harmless wooden shields and spears are compared to a weapon capable of firing a projectile at upwards of 1,300 feet per second (Refer to the Anglo-Zulu War). You only pretend to be pompous intellects because you don&#8217;t have the testicular fortitude to own a gun, and thus only rely on drive by insults.

8. The 5th of November will no longer be celebrated. The 4th of July will replace this celebration and become a nationally recognized holiday, thus reminding you of when 13 of your most productive colonies decided not to recognize you as their ruler.

9. We have German cars, and think they are ugly and uncomfortable. British cars will be banned, as they are too small (height wise) for any person to fit into. We will airlift several hundred thousand Pontiacs, Buicks, and Cadillacs. American cars were crap, we agree, in the 70&#8217;s until the late 90&#8217;s. Since then, American cars are quite well built, very comfortable, and get good gas mileage.

All roundabouts will be replaced with intersections. You will begin to drive on the right side of the road, seeing as the majority of cars that are driven in the world are. You will convert to the American standard (gallons instead of liters). Litre will be spelled Liter.

10. Anything fried in animal fat will be banned. (This includes your precious &#8220;chips") Belgium was at one time a part of France, so calling them French fries does not seem too far off. To end confusion, thinly sliced pieces of potato (called crisps in the UK) will be referred to as chips, not crisps. Chips will be called French fries, or more commonly, fries.

11. A picture of a Native American will appear inside the state of Massachusetts on all British Tea. He will affectionately be known as &#8220;Bosty".

12. American Microbreweries will be established and you will see how Beer is supposed to taste. We do enjoy Killian&#8217;s Irish Red though (Good job Ireland, for your recipe at least). That company will be incorporated with Samuel Adams.

13. You will no longer be allowed to call it petrol, for it is called gasoline. You will adopt the American pricing standard for it (roughly around 35p/liter).

14. The American legal system grows and changes because we don&#8217;t live under the impression that our legal system is infallible. We wholeheartedly believe that the British could take a lesson from the way that the Americans respect but don&#8217;t worship their legal system. We have a channel called C-SPAN that broadcasts live from our chambers of law (the House and Senate) and occasionally broadcasts British Parliament. We tune to that channel solely to chuckle at how infantile and unorganized your lawmakers are.

We find it especially amusing that our government observes parliamentary procedure whilst (by the way that word is ours now) yours seemingly does not.

15. We will tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for the abomination known as &#8220;Teletubbies". Anne Wood will be promptly ordered to pay a fee of $2,500 for any person who suffered psychological abuse due to watching the afore mentioned show.

16. Taxes will be imposed on British citizens for all damages incurred by the British during the Revolutionary War and War of 1812.

Thank you for your cooperation.


:lol:
 
Cute, from both sides. :) Two points, however:

The forward pass was introduced after the game was named (and not widely adopted until much later). So when it was named, "football" was pretty darned appropriate.

While the World Series is still not aptly named, has everyone forgotten about the Canadian teams that were/are part of MLB?
 
Rider of Theli said:
MESSAGE FROM THE DESK OF THE QUEEN OF THE UNITED KINGDOM

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.&nbs p; (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S.< /SPAN> English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

-------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you 're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

---------------
Click to expand...

Hang that bitch!:lol: I hate tea....
 
OrbWeaver said:
I know where Normal, IL is and have been through there a few times. Where is this place of which you speak, and how do you know of Normal? XD
Click to expand...

If it's still there, it's a little cafe on the very end of the store fronts across from the train station. They have a wonderful vegetarian chili, as well (it's down the street heading away from the university, on the same street as the vegetarian coffee shop).

I went to ISU, that's how I got stuck in Normal ;)
 
Ohhh, I see! I looked at ISU when I was looking for colleges to attend for undergrad. The women's dorm they showed us reminded me of a prison cell. O_o

I remember the student giving the tour was kind of cute, though. :D
 
Empress said:
3. Language. This is my personal opinion, but I think it should be a requirement to study a foreign language (Spanish, French, German, Italian, Chinese, Hebrew, since those are what usually you find in schools here).
Click to expand...

You should add that second languages should be taught starting in 1st Grade. My school system required Spanish or .. *shiver* .. French (blech... g***ammit, give me German!!), but we didn't get our first class until 10th grade. Even then, we were only required two semesters of it. That just doesn't cut it. Regardless, the English language should be taught more heavily, as well as Language in general. It baffles me that I didn't see a linguistics course in the list of classes until I entered college.

And in my personal opinion, we should take that a step further: People should be required to learn a computer language and to be familiar with the workings of their operating systems. With personal computers in pretty much every home, it makes no sense to have so many people who don't know how to communicate or work with their machines beyond the casual user-friendly "Desktop" environment.

And concerning England's takeover of our country:

I'm OK with England taking over as long as they give us "The Mighty Boosh" in F**KING REGION 1 DVDS!!!! Or any other British comedy series for that matter. Dammit to Hell..
 
RiffDaemon said:
You should add that second languages should be taught starting in 1st Grade. My school system required Spanish or .. *shiver* .. French (blech... g***ammit, give me German!!), but we didn't get our first class until 10th grade. Even then, we were only required two semesters of it. That just doesn't cut it. Regardless, the English language should be taught more heavily, as well as Language in general. It baffles me that I didn't see a linguistics course in the list of classes until I entered college.
Click to expand...

I agree that language in general should be stressed more (maybe it makes me an elitist but every time an e-mail comes from a certain higher up in our company, I cringe--she thinks hyphens take the place of periods. ALL periods), and that foreign languages should be taught much earlier and more options available. I learned some German when I was 10-13, and 90% of what I know is probably from then. It enabled me to take the last semester only of both German I and II in college and get enough credit to graduate. I doubt more than 15% of what I know was learned in high school or college.

RiffDaemon said:
And in my personal opinion, we should take that a step further: People should be required to learn a computer language and to be familiar with the workings of their operating systems. With personal computers in pretty much every home, it makes no sense to have so many people who don't know how to communicate or work with their machines beyond the casual user-friendly "Desktop" environment.
Click to expand...

Can't really agree with this. I know enough of how my stuff works that people come to me with their computer questions at work (so I know what you mean about people being pretty ignorant beyond the very, very basics). I don't think I would EVER be able to learn a programming language--my brain just ain't wired for it. I looked into getting an MCSE certification about 10 years ago and quickly learned that networking, etc., is definitely NOT my forte.

Shaye
 
I guess my school really was ahead of the times. Guess Texas isn't as backwards as I thought. Certain areas down there learn Spanish starting in pre-school. Both of my nieces are fluent in Spanish and I'm starting to teach the oldest German (she's 6). Plus, we were required a computer programming language in one of our tracks, the base track just required shop or home ec. The adv/honours track required extra language, science, math and computer science. Then again, I doubled up on languages and took French and German. Minored in German at University, my French has gone by the wayside, but I'm working on it again, along with learning Danish and Portuguese.
 
lady_space said:
I don't think I would EVER be able to learn a programming language--my brain just ain't wired for it.
Click to expand...

Phooey :p Haha, I didn't think I was wired to understand it at first. I took Visual Basic as an elective in High School, and I hit a brick wall pretty early. It took a few days of looking at the same problem until finally something clicked .. and from that day on, I've been a sponge for this kind of stuff.

I imagine it's like math: A LOT of people aren't "wired" for it, yet schools still insist on cramming it down their throats :lol: ... The only difference is that Computer Science isn't as emphasized.

Anyway, I'm a programming enthusiast so of course I go overboard in saying everyone should know it. It should certainly be pimped a lot more than I'm seeing at some schools :mad:

BTW! Love your signature :D
 
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