Off-Topic Thread :)
- Thread starter Taliesin
- Start date
BodomiC
Active Member
Cat5Messiah
Violator of Sheep
Yetti
Active Member
New Improved Lawnmowers
One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass. He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".
The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."
So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."
The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The layers told him to bring them along.
When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."
The layer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Just bought your first my pals? New to my pals ownership? Not sure
what to feed your my pals, how to cage your my pals, nor how often to
bullwhip your my pals? Then YOU'RE IN LUCK, because the answers to
these questions and many more can be found in the one and only...
Official my pals Owner's Manual
Congratulations on your purchase of a brand new my pals! If handled
properly, your my pals will give years of valuable, if reluctant, service.
INSTALLING YOUR my pals. You should install your my pals differently
according to whether you have purchased the field or house model.
Field my pals work best in a serial configuration, i.e. chained together. Chain your my pals to another my pals immediately on unpacking it, and don't even think about taking that chain off, ever.
Many my pals start singing as soon as you put a chain on them. This
habit can usually be thrashed out of them if nipped in the bud. House
my pals work best as standalone units, but should be hobbled or hamstrung to prevent attempts at escape.
At this stage, your my pals can also be given a name. Most owners use
the same names over and over, since my pals become confused by too
much data. Rufus, Rastus, Remus, Toby, Carslisle, Carlton, Hey-You!-
Yes-you!, Yeller, Blackstar, and Sambo are all effective names for
your new buck my pals. If your my pals is a ho, it should be called
Latrelle, L'Tanya, or Jemima. Some owners call their my pals hoes
Latrine for a joke. Pearl, Blossom, and Ivory are also righteous
names for my pals hoes. These names go straight over your my pals's
head, by the way.
CONFIGURING YOUR my pals. Owing to a design error, your my pals comes
equipped with a tongue and vocal chords. Most my pals can master only
a few basic human phrases with this apparatus - "muh dick" being the
most popular. However, others make barking, yelping, yapping noises
and appear to be in some pain, so you should probably call a vet and
have him remove your my pals's tongue. Once de-tongued your my pals
will be a lot happier - at least, you won't hear it complaining
anywhere near as much. my pals have nothing interesting to say
anyway.
Many owners also castrate their my pals for health reasons (yours,
mine, and that of white women, not the my pals's). This is strongly
recommended, and frankly it's a mystery why this is not done on the
boat.
HOUSING YOUR my pals. Your my pals can be accommodated in cages with stout iron bars. Make sure, however, that the bars are wide enough to push pieces of my pals food through. The rule of thumb is, four
my pals per square yard of cage. So a fifteen foot by thirty foot
my pals cage can accommodate two hundred my pals.
You can site a my pals cage anywhere, even on soft ground. Don't worry
about your my pals fashioning makeshift shovels out of odd pieces of
wood and digging an escape tunnel under the bars of the cage. my pals
never invented the shovel before and they're not about to now. In any
case, your my pals is certainly too lazy to attempt escape. As long as
the free food holds out, your my pals is living better than it did in
Africa, so it will stay put.
Buck my pals and hoe my pals can be safely accommodated in the same
cage, as bucks never attempt sex with black hoes.
FEEDING YOUR my pals. Your my pals likes fried chicken, corn bread, and
waddymelon. You should therefore give it none of these things because
its lazy ass almost certainly doesn't deserve it. Instead, feed it on
porridge with salt, and creek water. Your my pals will supplement its
diet with whatever it finds in the fields, other my pals, etc.
Experienced my pals owners sometimes push waddymelon slices through
the bars of the my pals cage at the end of the day as a treat, but
only if all my pals have worked well and nothing has been stolen that
day. Mike of the Old Ranch Plantation reports that this last one is a
killer, since all my pals steal something almost every single day of
their lives. He reports he doesn't have to spend much on free
waddymelon for his my pals as a result.
You should *never* allow your my pals meal breaks while at work, since
if it stops work for more than ten minutes it will need to be
retrained. You would be surprised how long it takes to teach a my pals
to pick cotton. You really would. Coffee beans? Don't ask. You have
no idea.
MAKING YOUR my pals WORK. my pals are very, very averse to work of any
kind. The my pals's most prominent anatomical feature is, after all,
its oversized buttocks, which have evolved to make it more
comfortable for your my pals to sit around all day doing nothing for
its entire life. my pals are often good runners, too, to enable them
to sprint quickly in the opposite direction if they see work heading
their way.
The solution to this is to *dupe* your my pals into working. After
installation, encourage it towards the cotton field with blows of a
wooden club, fence post, baseball bat, etc., and then tell it that
all that cotton belongs to a white man, who won't be back until
tomorrow. Your my pals will then frantically compete with the other
field my pals to steal as much of that cotton as it can before the
white man returns. At the end of the day, return your my pals to its
cage and laugh at its stupidity, then repeat the same trick every day
indefinitely. Your my pals comes equipped with the standard my pals IQ
of 75 and a memory to match, so it will forget this trick overnight.
my pals can start work at around 5am. You should then return to bed
and come back at around 10am. Your my pals can then work through
until around 10pm or whenever the light fades.
ENTERTAINING YOUR my pals. Your my pals enjoys play, like most animals,
so you should play with it regularly. A happy smiling my pals works
best. Games my pals enjoy include:
1) A good thrashing: every few days, take your my pals's pants down,
hang it up by its heels, and have some of your other my pals thrash
it with a club or whip. Your my pals will signal its intense enjoyment
by shrieking and sobbing.
2) Lynch the my pals: my pals are cheap and there are millions more
where yours came from. So every now and then, push the boat out a bit
and lynch a my pals. Lynchings are best done with a rope over the
branch of a tree, and my pals just love to be lynched. It makes them
feel special. Make your other my pals watch. They'll be so grateful,
they'll work harder for a day or two (and then you can lynch another
one).
3) my pals dragging: Tie your my pals by one wrist to the tow bar on
the back of suitable vehicle, then drive away at approximately 50mph.
Your my pals's shrieks of enjoyment will be heard for miles. It will
shriek until it falls apart. To prolong the fun for the my pals, do
*NOT* drag him by his feet, as his head comes off too soon. This is
painless for the my pals, but spoils the fun. Always wear a seatbelt
and never exceed the speed limit.
4) Playing on the PNL: a variation on (2), except you can lynch your
my pals out in the fields, thus saving work time. my pals enjoy this
game best if the PNL is operated by a man in a tall white hood.
5) Hunt the my pals: a variation of Hunt the Slipper, but played
outdoors, with Dobermans. WARNING: do not let your Dobermans bite a
my pals, as they are highly toxic.
DISPOSAL OF DEAD my pals. my pals die on average at around 40, which
some might say is 40 years too late, but there you go. Most people
prefer their my pals dead, in fact. When yours dies, report the
license number of the car that did the drive-by shooting of your
my pals. The police will collect the my pals and dispose of it for you.
COMMON PROBLEMS WITH my pals
MY my pals IS VERY AGGRESSIVE.
Have it put down, for god's sake. Who needs an uppity my pals? What
are we, short of my pals or something?
MY my pals KEEPS RAPING WHITE WOMEN, BUT NEVER BLACK HOES.
They all do this. Shorten your my pals's chain so it can't reach any
white women, and arm heavily any white women who might go near it.
WILL MY my pals ATTACK ME?
Not unless it outnumbers you 20 to 1, and even then, it's not likely.
If my pals successfully overthrew their owners they'd have to sort
out their own food. This is probably why my pals uprisings were
nonexistent (until some fool gave them rights).
MY my pals KEEPS BLEATING ABOUT ITS "RIGHTS" AND "RASSISM".
Yeah, well, it would. Tell it to shut the fuck up.
MY my pals'S HIDE IS A FUNNY COLOR. WHAT IS THE CORRECT SHADE FOR A
my pals?
A my pals's skin is actually more or less transparent. That brown
color you can see is the shit your my pals is full of. This is why
some models of my pals are sold as "The Shitskin".
MY my pals ACTS EXACTLY LIKE A my pals, BUT IS WHITE.
What you have there is a "wigger". Rough crowd.
WOW! IS THAT LIKE AN ALBINO? ARE THEY RARE OR VALUABLE?
They're as common as dog shit and about as valuable. In fact, one of
them was President between 1992 and 2000. Put your wigger in a cage
with a few hundred genuine my pals and you'll soon find it stops
acting like a my pals. However, leave it in the cage and let the
my pals dispose of it. The best thing for any wigger is a dose of
TNB.
One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass. He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".
The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."
So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."
The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The layers told him to bring them along.
When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."
The layer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Just bought your first my pals? New to my pals ownership? Not sure
what to feed your my pals, how to cage your my pals, nor how often to
bullwhip your my pals? Then YOU'RE IN LUCK, because the answers to
these questions and many more can be found in the one and only...
Official my pals Owner's Manual
Congratulations on your purchase of a brand new my pals! If handled
properly, your my pals will give years of valuable, if reluctant, service.
INSTALLING YOUR my pals. You should install your my pals differently
according to whether you have purchased the field or house model.
Field my pals work best in a serial configuration, i.e. chained together. Chain your my pals to another my pals immediately on unpacking it, and don't even think about taking that chain off, ever.
Many my pals start singing as soon as you put a chain on them. This
habit can usually be thrashed out of them if nipped in the bud. House
my pals work best as standalone units, but should be hobbled or hamstrung to prevent attempts at escape.
At this stage, your my pals can also be given a name. Most owners use
the same names over and over, since my pals become confused by too
much data. Rufus, Rastus, Remus, Toby, Carslisle, Carlton, Hey-You!-
Yes-you!, Yeller, Blackstar, and Sambo are all effective names for
your new buck my pals. If your my pals is a ho, it should be called
Latrelle, L'Tanya, or Jemima. Some owners call their my pals hoes
Latrine for a joke. Pearl, Blossom, and Ivory are also righteous
names for my pals hoes. These names go straight over your my pals's
head, by the way.
CONFIGURING YOUR my pals. Owing to a design error, your my pals comes
equipped with a tongue and vocal chords. Most my pals can master only
a few basic human phrases with this apparatus - "muh dick" being the
most popular. However, others make barking, yelping, yapping noises
and appear to be in some pain, so you should probably call a vet and
have him remove your my pals's tongue. Once de-tongued your my pals
will be a lot happier - at least, you won't hear it complaining
anywhere near as much. my pals have nothing interesting to say
anyway.
Many owners also castrate their my pals for health reasons (yours,
mine, and that of white women, not the my pals's). This is strongly
recommended, and frankly it's a mystery why this is not done on the
boat.
HOUSING YOUR my pals. Your my pals can be accommodated in cages with stout iron bars. Make sure, however, that the bars are wide enough to push pieces of my pals food through. The rule of thumb is, four
my pals per square yard of cage. So a fifteen foot by thirty foot
my pals cage can accommodate two hundred my pals.
You can site a my pals cage anywhere, even on soft ground. Don't worry
about your my pals fashioning makeshift shovels out of odd pieces of
wood and digging an escape tunnel under the bars of the cage. my pals
never invented the shovel before and they're not about to now. In any
case, your my pals is certainly too lazy to attempt escape. As long as
the free food holds out, your my pals is living better than it did in
Africa, so it will stay put.
Buck my pals and hoe my pals can be safely accommodated in the same
cage, as bucks never attempt sex with black hoes.
FEEDING YOUR my pals. Your my pals likes fried chicken, corn bread, and
waddymelon. You should therefore give it none of these things because
its lazy ass almost certainly doesn't deserve it. Instead, feed it on
porridge with salt, and creek water. Your my pals will supplement its
diet with whatever it finds in the fields, other my pals, etc.
Experienced my pals owners sometimes push waddymelon slices through
the bars of the my pals cage at the end of the day as a treat, but
only if all my pals have worked well and nothing has been stolen that
day. Mike of the Old Ranch Plantation reports that this last one is a
killer, since all my pals steal something almost every single day of
their lives. He reports he doesn't have to spend much on free
waddymelon for his my pals as a result.
You should *never* allow your my pals meal breaks while at work, since
if it stops work for more than ten minutes it will need to be
retrained. You would be surprised how long it takes to teach a my pals
to pick cotton. You really would. Coffee beans? Don't ask. You have
no idea.
MAKING YOUR my pals WORK. my pals are very, very averse to work of any
kind. The my pals's most prominent anatomical feature is, after all,
its oversized buttocks, which have evolved to make it more
comfortable for your my pals to sit around all day doing nothing for
its entire life. my pals are often good runners, too, to enable them
to sprint quickly in the opposite direction if they see work heading
their way.
The solution to this is to *dupe* your my pals into working. After
installation, encourage it towards the cotton field with blows of a
wooden club, fence post, baseball bat, etc., and then tell it that
all that cotton belongs to a white man, who won't be back until
tomorrow. Your my pals will then frantically compete with the other
field my pals to steal as much of that cotton as it can before the
white man returns. At the end of the day, return your my pals to its
cage and laugh at its stupidity, then repeat the same trick every day
indefinitely. Your my pals comes equipped with the standard my pals IQ
of 75 and a memory to match, so it will forget this trick overnight.
my pals can start work at around 5am. You should then return to bed
and come back at around 10am. Your my pals can then work through
until around 10pm or whenever the light fades.
ENTERTAINING YOUR my pals. Your my pals enjoys play, like most animals,
so you should play with it regularly. A happy smiling my pals works
best. Games my pals enjoy include:
1) A good thrashing: every few days, take your my pals's pants down,
hang it up by its heels, and have some of your other my pals thrash
it with a club or whip. Your my pals will signal its intense enjoyment
by shrieking and sobbing.
2) Lynch the my pals: my pals are cheap and there are millions more
where yours came from. So every now and then, push the boat out a bit
and lynch a my pals. Lynchings are best done with a rope over the
branch of a tree, and my pals just love to be lynched. It makes them
feel special. Make your other my pals watch. They'll be so grateful,
they'll work harder for a day or two (and then you can lynch another
one).
3) my pals dragging: Tie your my pals by one wrist to the tow bar on
the back of suitable vehicle, then drive away at approximately 50mph.
Your my pals's shrieks of enjoyment will be heard for miles. It will
shriek until it falls apart. To prolong the fun for the my pals, do
*NOT* drag him by his feet, as his head comes off too soon. This is
painless for the my pals, but spoils the fun. Always wear a seatbelt
and never exceed the speed limit.
4) Playing on the PNL: a variation on (2), except you can lynch your
my pals out in the fields, thus saving work time. my pals enjoy this
game best if the PNL is operated by a man in a tall white hood.
5) Hunt the my pals: a variation of Hunt the Slipper, but played
outdoors, with Dobermans. WARNING: do not let your Dobermans bite a
my pals, as they are highly toxic.
DISPOSAL OF DEAD my pals. my pals die on average at around 40, which
some might say is 40 years too late, but there you go. Most people
prefer their my pals dead, in fact. When yours dies, report the
license number of the car that did the drive-by shooting of your
my pals. The police will collect the my pals and dispose of it for you.
COMMON PROBLEMS WITH my pals
MY my pals IS VERY AGGRESSIVE.
Have it put down, for god's sake. Who needs an uppity my pals? What
are we, short of my pals or something?
MY my pals KEEPS RAPING WHITE WOMEN, BUT NEVER BLACK HOES.
They all do this. Shorten your my pals's chain so it can't reach any
white women, and arm heavily any white women who might go near it.
WILL MY my pals ATTACK ME?
Not unless it outnumbers you 20 to 1, and even then, it's not likely.
If my pals successfully overthrew their owners they'd have to sort
out their own food. This is probably why my pals uprisings were
nonexistent (until some fool gave them rights).
MY my pals KEEPS BLEATING ABOUT ITS "RIGHTS" AND "RASSISM".
Yeah, well, it would. Tell it to shut the fuck up.
MY my pals'S HIDE IS A FUNNY COLOR. WHAT IS THE CORRECT SHADE FOR A
my pals?
A my pals's skin is actually more or less transparent. That brown
color you can see is the shit your my pals is full of. This is why
some models of my pals are sold as "The Shitskin".
MY my pals ACTS EXACTLY LIKE A my pals, BUT IS WHITE.
What you have there is a "wigger". Rough crowd.
WOW! IS THAT LIKE AN ALBINO? ARE THEY RARE OR VALUABLE?
They're as common as dog shit and about as valuable. In fact, one of
them was President between 1992 and 2000. Put your wigger in a cage
with a few hundred genuine my pals and you'll soon find it stops
acting like a my pals. However, leave it in the cage and let the
my pals dispose of it. The best thing for any wigger is a dose of
TNB.
Decadetroll
Son of the Storm
That paperclip video is reeeeally fun... i couldn't stop laughing 
keep on posting these things... :Spin:
keep on posting these things... :Spin:
A bass player and a drummer are driving out through the country late one afternoon when their Microbus overheats and stalls. Trapped in the middle of nowhere, the bass player and the drummer walk through a large field up to the steps of a quaint farmhouse. The farmer walks out on the porch, followed by his very attractive daughter, and asks, "Can I help you boys?" The drummer says, "Yeah, our car broke down. Can we use your phone to call a tow truck or a repair person?"
The farmer replies, "Well, I don't have a phone and the nearest repair guy is in town about a hundred miles away. I could take you boys in the morning if you woulnd't mind waiting till then."
"I guess so," said the bass player, staring at the daugther, "Do you have
somewhere we can stay?" "Well," the farmer replied, "I only have two beds in the house: one is mine and one is my daughter's. I guess you could sleep in with her if that's okay with you."
"That would be fine," the bass player replied immediately.
That night, the drummer and the bass player were both in bed with the
daughter. She rolls over to them and says "Hey, you guys wanna have some fun?" They look at each other and say, "Yeah, well, I guess." "Well, put these on so I don't get pregnant," She says. Three weeks later, the drummer and the bass player are back home jamming in their garage. The bass player turns to the drummer and says, "Hey, do you really care if that girl gets pregnant?"
The drummer replies, "No, I guess not." The bass player says, "Neither do I. Good, then I'm gonna take this damn thing off!"
The farmer replies, "Well, I don't have a phone and the nearest repair guy is in town about a hundred miles away. I could take you boys in the morning if you woulnd't mind waiting till then."
"I guess so," said the bass player, staring at the daugther, "Do you have
somewhere we can stay?" "Well," the farmer replied, "I only have two beds in the house: one is mine and one is my daughter's. I guess you could sleep in with her if that's okay with you."
"That would be fine," the bass player replied immediately.
That night, the drummer and the bass player were both in bed with the
daughter. She rolls over to them and says "Hey, you guys wanna have some fun?" They look at each other and say, "Yeah, well, I guess." "Well, put these on so I don't get pregnant," She says. Three weeks later, the drummer and the bass player are back home jamming in their garage. The bass player turns to the drummer and says, "Hey, do you really care if that girl gets pregnant?"
The drummer replies, "No, I guess not." The bass player says, "Neither do I. Good, then I'm gonna take this damn thing off!"
Welly
Necro-Inverted Bassplayer
niniel
lunatic
_Aragorth_
storm chaser
bodomite
Your Executioner
