Opeth inspired poem

[Valefor]

Thought i'd give it a try

Here it is:


I entered winter once again
But this time shall be the last
My final confrontation with the past

Decrepit body's lay beneath the icy surface
Fulfilling their final purpose
To remind he whoever passes here
That so shall his

A thousand corpses well preserved
Of those condemned from birth
And although they came from all corners of the earth
One thing they shared, and one thing alone
They had an ending, well deserved

And now I too shall meet this fate
For living my live in seething hate
And I too came here to clean the slate
For this icy hell, is where final judgment is received
A place where the gods debate

Terrified to my very soul, the final steps I now take
And there sat a terrible creature, spawned forth from the frozen lake
It let out a schreeching howl, and a devastating rake
And shred me to pieces, as They had decided
It did not take Them long to decide my sake

And so I too, was buried beneath the icy earth
As I was too, condemned from birth
And so I too, had an ending well deserved


And yet again, a fair judgment was served

 

[FUBAR]

you can't be serious.

 

[whenharlequinsfall]

this touched me like a priest touches altar-boys.

 

[all_sins_undone]

no forum has made me want to kill myself quite as much as this one

 

[Tubbs]

 

[metalhead416]

this touched me like a priest touches altar-boys.

aHAHAHAHAHA...!!!!.....dude....ure the master of one liners...!!!...hahaha......anwyayz....as far as teh poem goes....well....sorry .....it was not relaly good...not that I haev any merit to speak ill of it....ive straght up ripped opeth for lyrics too...hahaha....but this was pretty bad....sorry...but keep tryin u know...im sure Mike still aughs at teh lyrics for TBYFW...!!!....PEAC EOUT

 

[Graft]

its lame sorry.

 

[Lothlorien]

nicely done man. FTLOG.

 

[HoursOfDebt]

interesting poem

 

[HERSELF]

Is this of your own world?
good but sad.

 

[zabu of nΩd]

you can't be serious.

this touched me like a priest touches altar-boys.

its lame sorry.

Jesus Christ, people, offer some constructive criticism or just shut the fuck up. It's not like any of you could do better.

I thought the piece opened up nicely, with the coldness/death imagery, but it got really straightforward toward the end - 'I'm coming here to fulfill my purpose... some lake creature rips me apart... etc.' Not a whole lot of suspense, or sensory input, built up within the narration. And the repetition lines near the end didn't really do anything for me.

I'm a big fan of poems which are heavy in imagery, and also which keep a sense of mystery throughout the piece, leaving things open for interpretation and such. I think you've got some nice imagery in the piece that you could build upon, though a little too much obviousness in the narration of the story. I'm not so sure what the "well-deserved ending" was supposed to be, but I guess that could work in your favor.

Oh, and it would probly also help if you didn't switch back and forth between present and past tense so much.

Sorry if that was a little nitpicky for you - I just thought you might want to hear something besides "that was kinda nice" or "d00d ur pomz suck lol fag".

 

[N-MAYH]

Jesus Christ, people, offer some constructive criticism or just shut the fuck up. It's not like any of you could do better.
Sorry if that was a little nitpicky for you - I just thought you might want to hear something besides "that was kinda nice" or "d00d ur pomz suck lol fag".

the only way where there WOULD be constructive criticism, or something other than 'ur poem sucks' was if there were anything to work with, or if it had even the slightest chance of being a good poem.

 

[Seance]

I call bullshit. there's a lack of constructive criticism because nobody is interested in giving any. there's nothing wrong with nobody being interested in giving any, but let's not act like this forum is too good for this poem, and let's not pretend anyone here is qualified or knowledgable enough to be taken serious in constructive criticism of poetry at any rate, let alone write a better one themselves

 

[i aint play this]

the poem is pretty forced and nonsensical, mother nature says i shouldn't like it

 

[N-MAYH]

I call bullshit. there's a lack of constructive criticism because nobody is interested in giving any. there's nothing wrong with nobody being interested in giving any, but let's not act like this forum is too good for this poem, and let's not pretend anyone here is qualified or knowledgable enough to be taken serious in constructive criticism of poetry at any rate, let alone write a better one themselves

how would you know if anyone was qualified enough to give serious CC? did you do background checks on every single member?

 

[saut]

if by opeth inspired you meant "steal the occasional line from the leper affinity" then yea

 

[N-MAYH]

+afj

 

[griev0r]

And a warm welcome to the forums!!
Jesus...no reason to slam this guy. The same couple of guys posting negative shit in every thread, great!

 

[Ruun]

not that good ...

but i cant do better.
anyway...

 

[Seance]

how would you know if anyone was qualified enough to give serious CC? did you do background checks on every single member?

yeah uhduh that's what i do hur hur good one etc.