Poetry

[panzerfaust666]

eh thanks there joe, for the tips. much appreciated. i will post more soon

 

[Vimana]

Also, I recommend to all poets to only use the rules of poetry taught in English class to an extent, and try to fit the rules to what you are writing, not fit what you are writing to the rules. If that makes sense. Today a member of this writing club I'm in pointed out my irregular meter and said it bothered her. Then I pointed out that I do that on purpose because sometimes I think if a poem gets too rhythmic it can lose the attention of the reader.

Long story short: Use rules more as guidelines than anything else.

 

[Einherjar86]

ive finally started to write Poetry:

Hidden Inside
the Dungeon of my ribcage
Inside was him
sheltered from the sun
and the sand
the devil and all his men

all that was him

Disguied in Black
from the angels above
through the storms and turmoil
He kept them inside
making sure to keep watch,
from the eyes
hidden,in the walls

Down, bruised and beaten,
in the ground for so long
yearning for the heavens above
Cracked the shell,
and out come the worms,
riddled with maggots,
finally one with the devil
and all his men
it can all ...


One of my first solid attempts^^^


I dont expect praises of any sort, but dont be to harsh with your criticism :Smug:

However, please do offer some tips.

another:



A rope,tied, holding me, bracing me down
unable to wallow in the filth,in the mire beneath
tied down, rotten,
reveling in the filth

hung high,like a rag doll
Waiting, hoping to die
I;ll tear them open, my eyes
close them when I like

If the world is just
leave me the silence
a shred of the absolute is all, that I need

show me...
its closer now
not so far away, away

I really hesitate to give pointers or advice on poetry, mostly because I know what I enjoy, but I find it difficult to give constructive technical criticism. All writers write differently, and it's hard to say that one person's style is "bad;" I may just not like it.

I do, however, think you could work on your vocabulary or at least on your choice of words; I found the first poem you posted more interesting, but both recede somewhat into generality. There's just nothing that leaps from them; your meaning isn't easily communicated.

The great thing about poetry is that it conveys the complete essence and meaning of a moment. John Stuart Mill wrote that the difference between eloquence and poetry is that eloquence (i.e. speech that is pleasing to listen to but retains its beauty/purpose purely through its verbal aesthetic [my definition]) is heard, whereas poetry is overheard. By this, he meant that eloquence supposes an audience, but the "peculiarity of poetry appears to us to lie in the poet's utter unconsciousness of a listener."

For a long time I've struggled with this idea, for the following reason: I believe that poetry should be an intimate confession of the essence of a moment that seems to speak as though no one is listening. In that, it maintains the element of pure veracity.

However, I also believe that this purity of essence, sung from complete isolation in this manner, is so esoteric that it retreats into the hazardous territory of abandoning any meaning whatsoever. Basically, that it becomes so personal that it resists interpretation.

Now, I believe that poetry should be written for the poet, not for an audience; because then, like Mill said, it would not be pure poetry. However, I also feel that all artists require validation and approval, and if poets write in this pure, isolated fashion that Mill espouses, they risk any hope of others respecting their work.

I feel that the essence of a poem should be crafted in this pure, bare, basic sense; but I also feel that it should not be left this way. If a poem truly is a "work" of art, then it should be returned to, refined, and refueled by its author. It should be given eloquent language without it simply becoming eloquence, because this is the way in which meaning is communicated. The best words are sometimes the most obscure words, but they convey the essence of meaning.

Sorry for the length of this post.

EDIT:

Then I pointed out that I do that on purpose because sometimes I think if a poem gets too rhythmic it can lose the attention of the reader.

True, but that's not the fault of the poet. Rhythm, I often find, can really grab a reader and hold his or her attention. The problem with rhythm is that it can become so lulling that the reader begins to lose focus of the meaning of the words and gets lost in the drift of the meter. However, if this happens, a reader should simply go back and reread.

 

[Vimana]

Often what I try to do is break rhythm and go to another at a crucial point in the poem. I don't rhyme much, and when I do, I never really stick to a rhyme scheme. And I rarely, if ever, repeat anything. But that's more because it never comes to me, like a chorus or anything. Everything just goes and goes.

 

[divine_torture]

If you don't use a standard rhythm, I find it useful to incorporate a different way of flow within the lines. One of my favorite ways is middle consonant 'rhymes'. I'll find a good example later.

EDIT: Here's a decent example in yours, vihris (though it's simply middle vowel):

delete Colony 46
nearest volcanic node: 4 kilometers southwest

Colony, volcanic, kilometers. They have that hard o sound that keeps a rigidity and flow throughout the two lines.

 

[Vimana]

I might try that. I think it would be easier with Spanish. I like Spanish for poetry because of the general beauty of the words, and their tendency to rhyme and have a more consistent number of syllables. However, Spanish doesn't have as many words as English.

 

[divine_torture]

It takes a little work, but I do it unknowingly anymore. But obviously my style is less 'poetic' than others.

 

[Vimana]

When I want to rhyme I just do parts in Spanish.

Spanish is made for poetry. Love rhymes with pain in it.

 

[divine_torture]

Bitches don't know 'bout the pain inside.

 

[Vimana]

The word for handcuff is also synonymous with wife.

 

[divine_torture]

 

[zabu of nΩd]

Spanish is made for poetry. Love rhymes with pain in it.

The word for handcuff is also synonymous with wife.

That is pretty awesome

 

[panzerfaust666]

thanks Eiherjer. That was very helpful. Also, im happy you didnt totally shoot down my poem ha.

but yeah, I will definitely work on your mentioned faults and take the rest to hart, and think about it.

 

[panzerfaust666]

Nothing Exists but today, nothing
outisde my mind
is the void, the incomplete expanse
a dream infinite

Time, stretched and pulled, ripped apart,
a though pulled from naught
Archaic in Nature
Foreboding the Truth,
dreams stretch onwards,
pulled back

Chaos Reigns
Hell on earth is not a dream


something I made last night. I took Einherjers and Joe's advice. Slowly I think I am learning.

@ Einherjer: I totally understand what you were getting at man, thanks!

 

[Einherjar86]

No problem, I'm still learning every day.

Here's one that's actually old, but I've recently revised, especially the final stanza:

“A Prelude to Life”
I dreamt I saw a weary door
That opened into pastures green,
Which had not been as such before
When Janus to my plight had seen;
I thought it to a warehouse led,
With burning tubs of putrid pitch,
Where smoking throngs of Hades’ dead
Had gathered from a greasy ditch.

But now so strange a sight was there,
For all the horrid scents had fled-
The murk was lost to golden flare,
And blue skies hung above my head;
A giant mountain towered high,
Above a road of flowers red.
So rich was this new scenery
Where once had darkness been instead!

A girl there was, so young, who stepped
Into this bright felicity,
And in her innocence she kept
That image of her purity.
And in her paradise she wept,
But it was not for fear or woe;
And in my sleep this girl has slept-
Where I can only dream to go.

 

[divine_torture]

I really liked that one. The ending was quite a nice change from the gayness I hoped it wouldn't become.

 

[Einherjar86]

Well, I'm glad I averted that. Did you think it was going to end with me running through the flowers singing and dancing?

 

[Vimana]

Damn, I wish I could make a poem flow that well and still keep colorful imagery going. Great job!

 

[divine_torture]

Well, I'm glad I averted that. Did you think it was going to end with me running through the flowers singing and dancing?

I imagined it'd end with you sitting on a bench by the sunset or something like that. You took a hard left and left me smirking.

 

[Einherjar86]

Thanks guys, much appreciated.

@d_t: I actually almost succumbed to what would have been a cheerful (literally, gay) ending. The last stanza underwent serious revision; the original conclusion had me embracing the girl as she cried and the last line was "Where others only dream to go." I decided to omit myself because the poem is actually based on a dream I had; and although I hugged the girl in the dream, I realized that she is still there, while I'm unfortunately stuck here. The only way to get back is to dream it, which will probably never happen.