So a koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint..

[Lars/Intromental]

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

 

[BABS]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?" The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Good news! Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine. Her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news." The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit!"

 

[biggs0072000]

This one also loosesa bit of you don't hear it out loud, but it should work anyway....

Little Johnny and his Grandfather depart early one morning for his grandson's first fishing trip. A few hours into the trip, Grandpa hooks an average fish, and pulls out a beer.

"Grandpa, can I have some?"

Oh course, Grandpa dosn't condone underage drinking, especially in someone as young as little Johnny, so he thinks for a minute, and says "Well son, you can when your wee-wee touches your poop hole"

Johnny replies "Oh...ok"

A few minutes later, Grandpa catches the lake's biggest fish to date. After packing it away to weigh it later, he lights up a Cuban cigar, and Johnny again asks what he's doing.

"Smoking a victory cigar"

"Ahh. Can I have one?"

"No son, you know the rules"

Ten minutes later, Johnny hooks a little guppy in the gils. After reeling it in, excited about his first catch ever, he pulls out a ziploc bag of chocolate chip cookies, his Grandpa's favorite.

"Hey, Johnny, can I have a cookie?"

"Does your wee wee touch your poop hole?", he asks, grinning

"Why yes, it does"

"Then go fuck yourself, I'm not giving you shit."

 

[Lars/Intromental]

A big, well-trained, greasy black man enters an elevator, where an old and fragile white lady is. The doors close, whereafter the guy pulls out his big fat c..k and says:" Ma'm, I'm gonna fuck your brains out".

The old lady replies: "Thank goodness...., I thought you were going to beat me with that one".

L

 

[LunaTEKKE]

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit!"

Thanks, BABS! I've been shuttling back and forth between doctors trying to sort out an autoimmune thyroid issue since I got back from Atlanta, and this is the best laugh I've had in weeks! I'm going to have to share this with another online group. (And maybe a couple of my doctors as well...)

 

[Lars/Intromental]

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.



It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.





"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.



I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.



But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.



Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.



Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.



In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!



Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.



Love, your son, Joshua.



P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk.



I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home

 

[Lars/Intromental]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.



"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

 

[BABS]

Thanks, BABS! I've been shuttling back and forth between doctors trying to sort out an autoimmune thyroid issue since I got back from Atlanta, and this is the best laugh I've had in weeks! I'm going to have to share this with another online group. (And maybe a couple of my doctors as well...)

Glad it can be of cheer to you! Keep an eye on the thyroid issue! I have a couple friends that have had to battle that along with a former boss of mine. It can play all sorts of havoc with your system. It's really hard to tease apart autoimmune disorders, so be patient, but be sure to educate yourself on everything and get in docs faces on things.

 

[BABS]

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

 

[Chai]

Little Bobby's birthday is coming up, and so he asks his father for a shiny new mountain bike.

"I'm sorry Bobby, I have a $200,000 mortgage and we just can't afford that right now."

One morning a few days later, Bobby's father is up making coffee when he sees Bobby walking out the front door with a hat on his head and two suitcases. He calls Bobby in the kitchen and asks him what he's doing.

"Well," says Bobby, "I was walking past your bedroom door the other night, and I heard you talking to Mommy. You told her you were pulling out, and she said that she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'm left alone in this house with a $200,000 mortgage and no bike!"

 

[MetalRose]

A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her.

They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try.

The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room.

The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."



-Metal

 

[Bryan316]

Oh how did I NOT EXPECT THAT?!?!?! LOL

 

[LunaTEKKE]

It's really hard to tease apart autoimmune disorders, so be patient, but be sure to educate yourself on everything and get in docs faces on things.

Yep, I’ve done plenty of research. The problem is that now I’m convinced I’m smarter than my endocrinologist, so we keep butting heads.

And back on topic…

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

 

[Purveyor Of Evil]

A farmer walks up to his wife and says he's going raccoon hunting. He gives her three choices. 1.) She can go, too. 2.) He wants to fuck her in the ass. 3.) She can give him a blowjob. He then tells her he'll be back in fifteen minutes for her answer. The fifteen minutes goes by and he asks his wife what is her decision. She says, "I'm not going raccoon hunting and you're definitely not fucking me in my ass. So, I guess I'll have to give you a blowjob. So, she begins and then stops and says, "Uh! Your dick tastes like shit!" The farmer tells her, "Well, the dog didn't wanna go raccoon hunting, either."

 

[LunaTEKKE]

OK, the ladies seem to be taking most of the abuse on this thread so far, so I thought I'd even things out...



What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

 

[thedelicateflower]

...As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can’t forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the calm and balmy night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without reservations, you laid on my naked body….you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me…finally, I went to sleep…today I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night’s events…my body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing….tonight….I will remain awake waiting for you....…you stupid mosquito….

 

[yardleybates]

...As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can’t forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the calm and balmy night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without reservations, you laid on my naked body….you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me…finally, I went to sleep…today I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night’s events…my body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing….tonight….I will remain awake waiting for you....…you stupid mosquito….

That's good!

 

[sh0kr0k]

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

 

[Tess]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

Ya, ya, ya.....tell the one about the sick monkey!

 

[Lars/Intromental]

well, it's not really a joke.....it's taken out of context from a standup comedy show.

Lars