So a koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint..
- Thread starter Harvester
- Start date
Tess
Member
Well everyone do yourself a favor and make Lars show you the sick monkey joke when he is in your town because it's my favorite thing EVER!
YOU SICK MONKEY!
Okay after many weeks of though here are my contributions to this thread
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in
front. 'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he
opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store
but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets
stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop
gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'
>
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!'
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence
is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her
head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam
with your other hand.'
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in
front. 'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he
opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store
but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets
stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop
gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'
>
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!'
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence
is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her
head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam
with your other hand.'
Tess
Member
A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. The officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."
After a long pause, the drunkard, smiling, replies...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
" Breasts ."
After a long pause, the drunkard, smiling, replies...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
" Breasts ."
Tess
Member
Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers a question time. One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is?
'Kenneth.'
'And what is your question, Kenneth?'
'I have three questions:
First - Whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President
Second - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third - Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?'
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess.
When they resume, Hillary says, 'Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?'
A different little boy puts his hand up.
Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.
'Larry.'
'And what is your question, Larry?'
'I have five questions:
First - Whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President? Second - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third - Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
Fourth - Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
Fifth - What happened to Kenneth?
'Kenneth.'
'And what is your question, Kenneth?'
'I have three questions:
First - Whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President
Second - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third - Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?'
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess.
When they resume, Hillary says, 'Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?'
A different little boy puts his hand up.
Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.
'Larry.'
'And what is your question, Larry?'
'I have five questions:
First - Whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President? Second - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third - Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
Fourth - Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
Fifth - What happened to Kenneth?
Pellaz
Tigron of Immanion
Bryan316
METAL... nuff said!
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful
and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the
Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they
stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off
her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive
pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to
squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned the
other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to
suspect the worst.. My wife came home with no panties!!
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck
to her butt that said..... "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never
forget you."
and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the
Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they
stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off
her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive
pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to
squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned the
other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to
suspect the worst.. My wife came home with no panties!!
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck
to her butt that said..... "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never
forget you."
Pellaz
Tigron of Immanion
FatesFan
Member
- Dec 18, 2004
- 1,667
- 0
- 36
Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning,and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job seven years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
__________________________________________________________________
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore! You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one!
~Abby
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning,and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job seven years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
__________________________________________________________________
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore! You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one!
~Abby
Purveyor Of Evil
Heavy Metal, INC.
Two elderly people in a nursing home decide they want to have sex. So, they sneak to a secluded room. The old lady says to the old man, "Before we get started I want to let you know that I have acute angina." The old man says, "Thank God, because you have the ugliest breasts I've ever seen."
rms
Active Member
If it's supposed to be 'a cute vagina' then you have a terrible sense of humor :X
Purveyor Of Evil
Heavy Metal, INC.
No, you're just a contrarian who feels the need to irritate people. It's your opinion and that's fine, but you are a punk. Plain and simple. I don't care who flames me for saying so, but you are nothing more than a troll who gets his kicks from pissing me or anyone else off. You've done it too many times to say it's a joke, either. So, don't try pushing that bullshit off on me. I'm not going to take fucking wiseass shit from someone half my age.
rms
Active Member
That is probaly one the worst jokes ive ever read, im sorry ive ruined your life by stating that
Purveyor Of Evil
Heavy Metal, INC.
Rider of Theli
The Hellequin
THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating
for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got
more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near
anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check
the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last
wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the
front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are
very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the
family."
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
.
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating
for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got
more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near
anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check
the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last
wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the
front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are
very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the
family."
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
.
Rider of Theli
The Hellequin
Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant
and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and
possibly have a small present for me
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone 'Happy Birthday.'
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to
breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed th e meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'
I responded,
'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok,' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .
Followed by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy
Birthday.
And I just sat there...
On the couch..
Naked.
.
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant
and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and
possibly have a small present for me
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone 'Happy Birthday.'
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to
breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed th e meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'
I responded,
'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok,' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .
Followed by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy
Birthday.
And I just sat there...
On the couch..
Naked.
.
rms
Active Member
rms
Active Member
Yes, my post didnt come off as clearly, I meant the punchline of acute angina = a cute vagina to the old man
