Listen man, I'm going to tell you something that I don't like talking about much, because it's very personal, and sort of embarassing. Several months ago, she whom I love made a big mistake and left me. Not going to give you all the background there, but she did, and I did not take it well. At all. It was late November, the weather was turning cold, and everything was shaping up to deep misery. December dragged on, unshakeable depression. January arrived with no relief, and finally, I guess my sanity slipped a little, and I freaked out one night, grabbed a knife, cut into my arm. (Actually, I kind of had to saw at it... ugh.) I continued this behavior for a solid months, ending up with well over 30 cuts. The last stage of this horrible depression was that I tried a hallucinogen - not a big deal, perhaps, but I have never wanted to try any drug like that, but I was so desperate to go outside of my mental state that I did it. Then, mostly out of fear of being found out, I stopped. Things got better after a while, still very sad and not a little bitter, but no longer blatantly self-destructive. (I very nearly had killed myself.)
Why did I do all these things? I think I, like you, had made her my goddess. My every thought centered around her; I related unconnected things to her; everything meant her. And it was nearly unbearable. No good can come of that (no pun intended). I thought it was the end - and it might very well have been. But the problem with despair is that you never know what's going to happen. Despair is for those who can see the end beyond all doubt (as was said in The Lord of the Rings), and one almost never can. Suicide is an act of despair. That's why it's a mistake - because you just never know. So go through your time of sadness, and grieve (it's only natural), but don't let it get too far. I know that's rather an empty thing to say to someone in your situation (I would know), but it's true. Hang in there man.
Ryan
P.S. To illustrate my point, this girl realized how bad she fucked up in the first place, realized that she loved me, too, and... well, things are looking pretty good right now. And I thought it was the very last end when she left. I was wrong. =]
and I'd like to say that you're my new god. Wether you like it or not!
