Disclaimer: This was written with purely good intentions, not to bash on anyone. If you recognized yourself from one (or more) of these posts, don't worry. I still like you. All these points are based on personal experience, and all of them have actually happened - several times. That being said...
Ten things you might want to think twice about when working with an audio engineer
1) The proper time for contact.
Yes, I do work late pretty often, but if you decide to hit me up at 3AM, chances are I might not be very receptive to your inquiries. Actually, I might even be asleep. I keep my cell phone on every night for emergencies. A friend being hit by a bus is an emergency - raising the backing vocals on the second verse of the third track by a dB is not.
2) Expecting instant results.
If we have just gotten back from the tracking session late last night, I probably won't have any rough mixes ready yet, considering it's half past eight in the morning. I do not possess the secret of time travel. And if I did, I would probably be five again, running around with no pants on and imagining I'm a flying deer.
3) Working hours.
I charge by an eight hour block, but usually a day in the studio lasts from ten to twelve hours. I'm already giving you extra, so it might not be the greatest idea ever to suggest starting the guitar tracking after we have recorded drums twelve hours straight. I don't do speed, so you'd probably just get an AE passed out on the console.
4) Screwing around with payments.
I have bills to pay, and I don't exactly consider it fun to constantly remind you about a payment long overdue. Pay the sessions in time and it'll be more fun for everyone. Trust me.
5) It's just a minor delay...
...of three weeks. Maybe a month. Or a year. Which you forgot to inform me about. And you didn't answer my emails either. No, you will not get your deposit back.
6) Clever price negotiating tactics.
Oh, you have a friend who'll do it for twenty bucks a song? And he has Waves Mercury bundle too? Awesome, what's his name again? Great, thanks. I'll be right back, I just remembered I was going to call the IRS about something...
7) Absurd reference album requests.
Frankly, I can't make this sound like "Meshuggah meets Cher with a twist of Kanye West's latest", especially if you strictly forbid the use of sample replacement and autotune. And the vocalist who sounds like a parrot isn't really helping, either.
8) Bringing the hobbyist AE friend to the session.
Honestly. If I hear "Why are you wasting time double tracking the guitars when you can just copy one track and delay it a little? That's like really basic stuff." one more time I'm going to strangle someone. Probably with the broken guitar cable they brought.
9) Awesome last-minute ideas.
There's two hours remaining on the studio lock-out and I'm just about to start tearing the setup down when I hear the dreaded words: "Hey, how about we do one more song as an acoustic jam with congas and stuff?" A surprising idea, but not as surprising as finding a percussion instrument in one of your body cavities after making a stupid suggestion like that.
10) "I'll have just a couple to lose the tension..."
"...HEY GUYSS IMA MONGOOSE WHOOOOOOOO OH SHI-*violent sounds of vomiting*"
Would you like to see me turning the knobs in such a state? Thought so. Let's focus on the songs first, then we can get wasted. I promise.
Sincerely yours,
Jarkko
Ten things you might want to think twice about when working with an audio engineer
1) The proper time for contact.
Yes, I do work late pretty often, but if you decide to hit me up at 3AM, chances are I might not be very receptive to your inquiries. Actually, I might even be asleep. I keep my cell phone on every night for emergencies. A friend being hit by a bus is an emergency - raising the backing vocals on the second verse of the third track by a dB is not.
2) Expecting instant results.
If we have just gotten back from the tracking session late last night, I probably won't have any rough mixes ready yet, considering it's half past eight in the morning. I do not possess the secret of time travel. And if I did, I would probably be five again, running around with no pants on and imagining I'm a flying deer.
3) Working hours.
I charge by an eight hour block, but usually a day in the studio lasts from ten to twelve hours. I'm already giving you extra, so it might not be the greatest idea ever to suggest starting the guitar tracking after we have recorded drums twelve hours straight. I don't do speed, so you'd probably just get an AE passed out on the console.
4) Screwing around with payments.
I have bills to pay, and I don't exactly consider it fun to constantly remind you about a payment long overdue. Pay the sessions in time and it'll be more fun for everyone. Trust me.
5) It's just a minor delay...
...of three weeks. Maybe a month. Or a year. Which you forgot to inform me about. And you didn't answer my emails either. No, you will not get your deposit back.
6) Clever price negotiating tactics.
Oh, you have a friend who'll do it for twenty bucks a song? And he has Waves Mercury bundle too? Awesome, what's his name again? Great, thanks. I'll be right back, I just remembered I was going to call the IRS about something...
7) Absurd reference album requests.
Frankly, I can't make this sound like "Meshuggah meets Cher with a twist of Kanye West's latest", especially if you strictly forbid the use of sample replacement and autotune. And the vocalist who sounds like a parrot isn't really helping, either.
8) Bringing the hobbyist AE friend to the session.
Honestly. If I hear "Why are you wasting time double tracking the guitars when you can just copy one track and delay it a little? That's like really basic stuff." one more time I'm going to strangle someone. Probably with the broken guitar cable they brought.
9) Awesome last-minute ideas.
There's two hours remaining on the studio lock-out and I'm just about to start tearing the setup down when I hear the dreaded words: "Hey, how about we do one more song as an acoustic jam with congas and stuff?" A surprising idea, but not as surprising as finding a percussion instrument in one of your body cavities after making a stupid suggestion like that.
10) "I'll have just a couple to lose the tension..."
"...HEY GUYSS IMA MONGOOSE WHOOOOOOOO OH SHI-*violent sounds of vomiting*"
Would you like to see me turning the knobs in such a state? Thought so. Let's focus on the songs first, then we can get wasted. I promise.
Sincerely yours,
Jarkko
