I think there is no big sense in life and that really sets me free. Imagine there would be a big meaning, somebody had given your life a meaning and a request, wouldn´t that somehow .... capture you in a big system ? I think no system is also a system.
Maybe it's because I'm shit at putting myself in someone elses shoes, but I can't imagine what it must be like to feel that way.
I can't for the life of me feel like there's some sort of bigger picture that I will NEVER understand, like I'm not meant to, but it doesn't stop me from trying. Not in the form of a God or a superior being or something like that, but some sort of bigger sense of purpose.
Like I feel like my actions should, and most likely do have some bigger impact beyond the here and now, the banal every day shit, the fallouts between friends after drunken nights out and shit you regret saying, all the pointless shit. That's all my life is, and while I'm currently enjoying every second of my life, something feels significantly empty, like none of my actions have true, real, consequences.
All in all, I feel a little bit insignificant right now I suppose.
I see someone walking down the street, arm in arm with their loved ones and it's sobering, because I thought I'd made some sort of huge, deep, meaningful progress after I fell in love, and as much as I keep trying to convince myself there's no-one in the world who cares about someone as much as I care about my Ella, you realise EVERYONE else feels exactly the same way.
I guess I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that I'm not unique, different or special. Everything I've experienced, most other people have experienced on some level as well. Every time I feel like I'm closer to some sort of understanding of some big picture, I end up taking a couple of steps backward soon enough.
Fun times.
