therapy

[moonchild]

do you ever think that you're crazy? most of time i think its everyone else and i'm one of the few sane people, but other times i look at myself and i ask myself whats the point, whats the point of always swimming against the tide getting nowhere, i take pride in the fact i'm not normal, whatever perceived normality may be, i don't want to be like everyone else, so shallow and superficial, and yet normality is what i long for most of all, sometimes i look at myself with all the wisdom i claim to possess and then i look at everyone else and they are the ones having fun, they are the ones living their lives, perhaps i'm the foolish one, perhaps i'm the superficial one, too busy probing too deep, too far, and yet be blind of the obvious truth staring me in the face, i just feel that i spend my life walking in circles going nowhere, i ask myself whats the point of life and i come up with no answer other than to live it, i withdraw into myself, letting noone near, perhaps i'm frightened of actually caring about anyone or anything and so i put up these defences to frighten others away, perhaps i have been living a lie for so long that i've forgotten who i really am, perhaps i never knew, i busy my mind so that i don't have to ask myself these questions because i'm scared of what i might conclude, it seems i've lost sight of all that was once important to me, there are few things i care about now, and what does that make me? no better than the carcass rotting in the midday sun, diseased and despised......

sorry if you actually read all that, i guess i'm feeling kinda low, i've got all these thoughts and emotions tieing knots inside of me and i just had to let it out and write it down, i have no other outlet for it, i guess i'm just a fucking angst ridden teenager, how pathetic, i feel like i've got two people in my head, one that keeps telling me how pointless life is, and how the future looks so bleak, then the other really despises that part of me, telling me how weak and pathetic i am and that i should just step back and get a grip of things, anyway i guess this is my form of therapy, i don't often express my emotions, and it seems so egocentric and pointless to publicise them to a bunch of strangers, but nonetheless i feel better already...

 

[Belial]

Apology accepted.

You sound a lot like me a year ago. Feeling down is natural for every human being, so it's nothing to condemn yourself for.

Also, everyone is crazy. There is no such thing as a "sane" person. Just people who are more or less insane than everyone else. In my opinion, anyone that has emotions forfeits his sanity. People in general are not completely stable mentally.

 

[E V I L]

Moonchild,

Don't apologize, this is how forums become really meaningful, for everyone.

I can relate to everything you've written down a hundred percent, so much so that I'm a bit nervous proceeding.

Ok. Lately, I've been feeling really dispossessed. I love life when I've got the focus and control, when I seem to be in charge of my own Destiny, but when the focus lapses somehow, my spirit falls flat on its face- I truly struggle, I'm lost in lostness.

Hmm, your problem seems to be multi-faceted so it's not easy for me to address it in one swoop, as it were. Let me just say, that there are reasons why I'm not a misanthrope, in the sense that I hate "normality". It has to do with my recognition of the fact that there's something faulty- simply false- about the thinking that leads to that kind of affect. What is at the heart of these mental constructs? A certain philosophy, a certain way of perceiving that in the end and for specific reasons, simply don't work. I'ts like Scientists cannot hope to launch and land objects onto Mars if their theories are wrong. The same holds true of many aspects of living a human existence. With that said, I suspect, getting to the point, that there's simply something that is in error about certain aspects of your value system...

hmm. we'll see.

 

[morganm]

That feeling really hasn't gone away in my post-teenage years, especially with the added pressures of having to live a working life to live and knowing that you will never be able to stop....

It's rather depressing when you sit down to think about it.




Morgan

 

[moonchild]

thx guyz, most of the time i'm carefree and totally content, just some times in moments of weakness i lose sight of the truth and tend to make things out to be a lot worse than they are, i guess its part of growing up, im nearly 19 now and i guess its just hitting me that theres no one left to tell me what to do or think, i have to discover who i am, and thats not easy to do whilst coping with the tedium of everyday life, nows the turning point, i'm studying computer science at university, havent really made any friends and im starting to think do i really want to spend my whole life in front of a computer screen, in some sterile sanitised office space, but anyway i'm sure i'll cope, i'm no different to anyone else really, i guess we all have our fears and insecurities, and we tend to concentrate on them rather than the good things we have, anyway i sure feel a lot better now, when all these thoughts are swirling in your head its hard to put them together and make sence from them, but writing them down here does seem to put everything in focus, hey i'm 19 i'm lucky enough to be at university, got a great taste in music and i got my whole life ahead of me, and life is how i make it, i just have to regain control, i can be whoever and whatever i want to be
hmm...now i can see how pathetic i sounded in the first instance, but i feel all the better for it so i guess it served its purpose, but theres no point in complaining about how your life sucks, you just gotta get out there and change it, new year new start, putting it into practice is a lil more difficult but i'm sure i'll cope
anyway thx all

 

[ricochet]

I can relate to what you have said totally. I am a senior in high school and am having to deal with colleges and the whole admission process, choosing a major, etc. Lately I have been questioning whether in the long run all of this will matter. I, too, have thought about going into a career with computers since I know a lot about them, and there are many opportunities in the field. I just don't know if I want to sit behind a computer screen in a cubicle the rest of my life.

Everyday I see happy people around me totally oblivious to everything, and I am constantly thinking about things and stressing over trivial matters. I just want to be happy and do something I enjoy and find my calling. I would love to be so naive to think that I could just float through life and do nothing and have no worries or stress, but I know that I am not the type of person to disregard problems. I also know that doing what you really enjoy usually doesn't pay the bills(unless you are a famous musician or a porn star).

I just want my life to mean something. I don't want to look back on my life and regret how I've lived. I want to travel, listen to music all the time(and actually have time to explore music), have meaningful relationships, and just have a good time without being tied down. I don't want to go to a job I hate everyday.

Like you said, it's a new year and you can't live your life thinking about the bad things. You have to focus on the good things you have and go out and make things happen, which is exactly what I plan to do this year. Soon I will know if I have been accepted to my college of choice. I will make the decision(and I still have plenty of time) of what I would like my career to be or at least get a good idea and take the steps necessary to be where I want to be. I am going to try to take things one day at a time and take time for myself to enjoy what I have and not focus on the negative aspects of my life. Eventually everything will fall into place, and things will end up exactly how I want them to. At least, I hope so.

 

[Misanthrope]

i ask myself whats the point of life and i come up with no answer other than to live it, i withdraw into myself, letting noone near, perhaps i'm frightened of actually caring about anyone or anything and so i put up these defences to frighten others away

I know these words from someone, and i can say is that is very good that you can at least talk about it in the forum. I never cant, i feel the same guilt of being selfcentered mainly because i been literally told that when i searched help, i just have a hard time trusting strangers ( that are close to me, net strangers for example are so far away is like not real ) and i cannot trust my loved ones cause i feel like either way im annoying them cause they have bigger/more important problems or cause i feel like i disappoint them or make them feel bad about me. This is why i pretty much ended up alone right now and its nice to see you can somehow bring yourself to talk about it at all, i can barely start talking about my stuff to my beloved one before i start feeling like a selfish son of a bitch, i dont bring it up anymore if it wasnt for music i would let it all inside. Its harder to brake the circle each day it passes, it gets harder and harder to get help and it looses meaning and importance then one day you realize feeling like crap is rutine. I think you should go out and seek profesional help before its late for you to trust a profesional trained person but a stranger nonetheless, otherwise you will find yourself battling about getting info/cash to seek help for over 2 years and never actually making an efford.

 

[MetalManCPA]

What is it about really feeling down/depressed that causes such introvertion. I know each person has a different story to tell - a different set of circumstances.

If everybody is truely lousy to you - I can see why you'd want to turn your back on people. What if the people around you love you and care for you - even if it's just one person? Why is it so hard to get those inner feelings out? Is it embarrassment? Are you afraid to let your loved ones in? It's an undaunting task to take on depression by yourself. I have my wife. If I didn't. I'd get a therapist. If you feel something is wrong, what's wrong with therapy? Yeah - most therapists are quacks. A lot of them had troubled childhoods - now they want to "save" others. But the majority try - even though the profession is a bit misguided by "true" medicine. Most don't fully understand the individuality of depression and just plain feeling down.

I may not be in therapy personally - but I'm pretty damn close. I'm holding up, but it's hard, and gets harder everyday. I just don't want to succumb to that inner demon - that black hole. There's nothing there for me. Not that there is tons of green grass in the "real" world either. But my attempt at "living" is better than the closet-like alternative. I've had more dissapointments this year than I can ever remember, but fuck it - I'm not losing.

 

[Blackspirit]

Originally posted by OpethianSoul
I would love to be so naive to think that I could just float through life and do nothing and have no worries or stress, but I know that I am not the type of person to disregard problems. I also know that doing what you really enjoy usually doesn't pay the bills(unless you are a famous musician or a porn star).

I just want my life to mean something. I don't want to look back on my life and regret how I've lived. I want to travel, listen to music all the time(and actually have time to explore music), have meaningful relationships, and just have a good time without being tied down. I don't want to go to a job I hate everyday.

I am floating through life, BUT I _do_ have worries and stress.
There are always some days when I am feeling really down,
and nothing helps. I know what I am thinking is stupid, and I
know I should be more positive when all this negative stuff
surrounds me, but I just can't.
I feel there's no point in being positive...

But eventually these negative things work out, in some way
or another. Sometimes they just pass by and I forget them,
other times I need to work on them to push my life forward
again. Some days my life stops for a couple of hours,
but I have to face the future ( neeeeeeh! ) and start looking
forward, to nothing.

I just float by, things happen, and there is nothing really
important going on in my life. Still I manage to go on, because
I know these bad days will end. I live for the happy moments.
Any moment filled with pure joy. Whatever makes you feel
good is what you should do.

Do all the things you wish for, and dare to dream, and reach
goals. Don't be afraid to let anyone down, but yourself ) This
is my advise, I should start following it myself, but it's tough!
I'll continue my floating now... Moving along...
What problem will I face next?

By the way, some of these negative days teach me something,
about myself and about the people I love. Sharing the
experience is important. I have always known that,
but just recently started doing it. It feels good.