this morning, 4 a.m......

[Weathered]

...something unexpected happened...

i decided to listen to TGCD, because i felt that way... i felt tired, desolate and kinda sad... the usual feeling you have early in the morning, when something is not right, when it's cold in your room and dark and quiet outside... the feeling you have, when you want to sleep, unwilling to prepare yourself for a shitty day at work... even unwilling to come home after work and doing nothing at all... just plain boredom and loneliness... and in this moment TGCD hit me. and it hit me hard... the moment i was waiting for since this album was released... a half year after it's release the katatonic feeling was there again. there in me...

TGCD didn't got me all the time. maybe because it was a fine time... these 6 month from march to august were great... i loved a wonderful girl and she loved me to the heavens and back. i had all my friends around me, nearer than ever. but now i'm loosing control... "she" is now my ex-girlfriend. although we struggled so hard to keep our love, we broke up completely at the beginning of september. now everything is quiet... i did not hear any word from hear... she even has a new boyfriend... the next thing is my best friend now lives miles and miles away and a lot of other good friends leave for new places and new hopes... it seems i'm unable to speak with the ones who are left. i'm loosing contact to everybody around me and i don't know why. it's so fucking hard when you feel like you are unable to express your problem to someone else and hoping for help and love at the same time. so i eat my problems and puke them out later... again and again... i feel myself becoming colder and colder... i work at a hospital. i see people die, but it doesn't seem to touch me... i see widows and their children looking at me with wet eyes, but i don't really care... i have always been a pretty emotional guy and i always thought every experience that i gain there will touch me deeply and inspire me, but it's not like that...

katatonia have always been a friend of mine in such times. i love all their albums because of the memories i relate to every one of them... and now it seems as if i'm diving into one of the worst times of my life and TGCD shall be my soulmate on that way... the musical coldness fits so perfectly...

but i just don't understand it... i play in 3 bands and we have some gigs. i meet a lot of people and i learn so many new things... i'm pretty well-known and even some people i never met in my life know my name and love to share a beer with me... it must look as if i'm a pretty happy guy... i just don't understand it...

sorry for wasting your time with my own humble problems... but maybe some of you know what i'm talking about... and since i got to know you all as very friendly and intelligent persons, i hope you have a few helping words for me...

thank you

 

[Swany]

Hey dear... no need to excuse... isn't this one of the things we always loved Katatonia for? (;
I think lots of people from this board might tell a similar story... these are the stories that may seem unimportant to the people around; who would take you serious if you said "I'm feeling so empty because I lost contact to lots of people"? But aren't these the stories that hit most? I think I can somehow imagine how you feel... like falling into isolation and being too lethargic and sad to fight against it. It impressed me a lot that you said you're growing colder... I really hope this is not going to be a constant moment.
I don't have the right or helping words for you, but be sure that I'm honestly hoping that things will turn better for you soon. Even if you know you're straightly getting into that dark hole... don't give up hope, keep on going and I'm sure TGCD will be the right company for you... not only giving the soundtrack to all despair and misery, but maybe also spending a glimpse of light when everything went dark. Because this is what I experienced with their music... even when it sounds so cold, distanced, depressed or whatever... in some moments it's the only thing able to awake the hope or at least the strenght in me again.

I think no one should expect you to be anything though you might have a nice life... it's always different on the inside... so please don't worry that it seems not to be understandable.
Alles Gute...

 

[LifeDepraved]

I can understand completely, and Katatonia is a good medicine in a way to get you through things. I live a sorrowful life...I mean not all the time. I kinda have different moods all the time. Basically when I'm with friends I have a good time...lots of laughs and stuff like that. But when I get alone and stay like that for a little bit I get in a depressed mood and I usually think about past things I regret doing and how I can never change them...and it's hard not to because it always happens...sometimes alcohol comes into play to help that out, but I realized Katatonia helps me the best. I think Discouraged ones is quite possibly the greatest help of all. It gets me to a deeper sorrow but I love it. Jonas' voice on the album just gets inside me and takes control. The riffs are the most melancholic I have ever heard. Drums are rather simple, but it fits and works with the mood...no time for something complex for something so beautiful and sad. So I will pop that disc in from time to time If I feel that "mood".

 

[MadTinus]

I think Discouraged ones is quite possibly the greatest help of all. It gets me to a deeper sorrow but I love it.

I've heard this from other people, to play music that gets you even more depressed, outweighing your own depression.

I've had good times, bad times, but I always feel like a whiner when I hear/read other people's stories, so I always try not to complain too much.. I mean, I got 'dumped', fell in love and got rejected, but I've never had a long-term relationship with a girl/woman, some shorter ones, but that's it, so nothing compared to a marriage. I lost a parent when I was ten, struggled with getting a stepmother into the family (which actually went really smoothly in our family compared to most other cases, I get along fine with my stepmother, even call her mum..).

I've got no ready solution for anyone's troubles, but knowing you're not alone by talking about it with others helps. Also sometimes giving up trying to find answers to some questions (the never-ending "why?" everyone struggles with from time to time) and why things happen like they did and just accept that they happened like they did and you cannot change nor will you ever understand it.. I mean that more in situations where relationships end, you always ask yourself, why did she not love me anymore? Sometimes there simply ain't no answer to this 'why', the love just faded, people can grow away from eachother, it happens, people get divorced after 32 years of marriage.. And you just can't help nor understand it, so better to accept the way it is and move on..

 

[Deliverance6]

isolation.......loneliness......sadness....loss.......its all pain man.....and sometimes things seem really dark....
I cant tell you how happy I am that you trust us enough to come here and express yourself in a vulnerable kind of way......being vulnerable is really hard for alot of us.....I too have come to this forum when I was feeling hurt and alone.....and after I posted I felt weak and ashamed for becoming vulnerable to people that hardly know me....but I always got positive feedback and felt like there was at least some love here with my Katatonia family.....so first off let me say there is love here for you.

I too had a time in my life when my family had disowned me...my only friends moved out west.....and I was so alone....no girlfriend....no friends....a serious drug habit....and I was living in the back of some semi-trucks......
I think it is a crossroads for us.....we either decide to go one way or another in desolation....we either make a decision to keep on going....or we give up on happiness........sometimes I really thought I would never be happy again and I just couldnt figure out how to keep going........but I did......one foot in front of the other....day by day.....

today I have an incredible life......filled with beautiful things....too many to write....all I can say is that my life today is what I always wanted it to be...I just didnt know how to let it be that way......and it took time...

I guess my point is that eventually everything changes.....I tend to ask myself if I will still have such strong emotions in 5 years about certain situations....if not then I figure I eventually will be ok.....and I have a feeling you will be ok......these things are like trials to me.....this is a test......can I handle it for one more day......or will I crumble........I want to crumble....it is easier.....it is so much harder to feel than not to feel.....but this is how we grow....pain is the almighty motivation of life.....and you will grow from this.....have patience my friend......and life will change....youll be ok

Patience= long suffering.

please keep us posted on how your doing......

Reece

 

[MadTinus]

Well said Reece, damn.. I'm impressed, seriously.

 

[LifeDepraved]

Well said Reece, damn.. I'm impressed, seriously.

Agreed to the fullest extent!

 

[the mourner13]

Well this is what Katatonia is all about man.Katatonia will be your best friend in these moments,and when you get through all of these fucked up things and listen to Katatonia again there will be memories waiting for you to blow right there in your face.And that's life...

 

[Deliverance6]

Well said Reece, damn.. I'm impressed, seriously.

thanx guys......this is actually what I do part time for a living....although I work with drug and alcohol dependant people.....everyone in the end has the same basic fears and problems.....just different scopes and factors........I love helping people.....it helps me stay human.....
besides.....life in the end is all about love and living with, and for love....christ.....when I die I want people to have known love from me....everyone...no regrets....and freedom from my own sick soul is the benefit.

 

[Scourge of Malice]

Great advice already. All I can add, which may not help you at all, but it does help me, is that there really is no point in feeling sad for an extended period of time... IT DOESNT HELP ANYTHING! It just makes it worse. Spend more time thinking about the good things (friends have left, but think how happy and excited they are, and you know they miss you too), and looking to the future instead of dwelling on the past which you can't change. It probably sounds stupid, but I often think of people in extremely poor countries, with no food, extreme disease, and death around them every day, and compared to that, a break up just starts to seem somewhat unimportant doesn't it? Hope you feel better man!

 

[Vincent J.]

I'm impressed by all of your posts....
I was just halfway swany's post and then something inside of me 'popped open' and in all the words in all of your posts I read so much love...

I think I feel the same as Martijn... I feel a bit of ashamed next to people with really hard and difficult lives when I introduce my problems.. I'm still very young, don't have much experience with ánything so I can't really compare my "problems" to others I read here, but well...
My mom has had MS (multiple sclerose) for many years before I was even born, so she's getting worse every year. She's most of the time in a wheelchair nowadays and the degrading goes pretty fast (when I look back a few years she could still walk).
And then I've been confronted with quite some deaths in my family and now I've got one of the smallest families I know of (me, parents, two bro's, grandmother and 2 uncles)
Ah well, this is someone almost everyone experiences...
But I think this causes a pretty 'low' standard of "happiness".
And I also have (/had) trouble with love and loneliness like almost everyone...
Luckely I'm getting over my problems with regrets... For a pretty long time I was just dwelling in the past but I'm starting to realize that if I had the chance to do all things over, I would do it all over again.... because I'm glad with the person who I've become and the things you regret dó make you the person who you are. And well...it's always experience...

a thing that's causing me bad feelings lately (besides the 'usual' problems of daily seeing people who are fucking themselves and the world up with their obsession of money etc.) is my playing on drums and guitars... I recorded myself playing drums a few days ago, and when I listened to it I was almost shocked how bad it was... And sometimes (for example at the kata-meeting) when I play guitar I have the same feeling... it's really embarrassing.. cause I love music I hate messing it up...

To all of you who are in bad times (weathered) I really hope you'll get over it...

I hope you don't mind me posting all this in this thread, but I wanted to open my heart for you...

 

[the mourner13]

I'm looking to my post and I feel ridiculous because I was giving advice in a very bastard way yesterday and now I had an argument with my girlfriend...If she leaves me,I will be totally lost...Life's fucked up...

 

[dan of bereavement]

Anathema are also a great band for that too!

 

[Cis]

Thanks everyone for sharing their stories.

I agree a lot with Scourge of Malice, this kind of positive thinking usually helps me not to drown in any shit that might happen. Seems I was born with the lucky talent to always (well, mostly) see something good in the bad, I usually find something that pushes me one step forward. It works well for me, maybe it wouldn't for others, we're all different. Or maybe I'm just cheating myself but I'm quite happy most of the time. I look at what I've got and at what I can do, better than whining about what's missing and worrying about things I can't change.
And I have experienced that the easiest and best way to feel good is to make someone else happy, it'll probably pay back. Only like 2-3 times in my life I felt completely cheated and abused by people and I couldn't see any good in it, and yeah, I did listen to Katatonia a lot during that time, put on DODS every morning to get ready for the day, or I was driving around the town on my bicycle with DO or TD in my headphones, and it helped...

@ Vincent:
I think you know I appreciate your guitar playing (haven't heard you on drums yet), you shouldn't be so frustrated! But I do understand you somehow, I feel the same about my limited musical skills quite often. It never sounds as good as I want it to, but then I just tell myself it's ok, it doesn't have to be perfect as long as I enjoy playing
Sorry to hear about your mom. Are you sure everything possible has been done for her??

 

[ether]

Well Weathered and all the others..you are not alone! it's nice to hear people opening their hearts on this forum, you see that everyone has more or less his own problems. It's just life, it's neither all black or all white: "repeating circles of light no light" we all have periods of darkness, but there is always the hope of a better day!
Music and Katatonia are our best friends that accompany us in our dark moments and at the same time they are a source of joy, because they give us energy and all the positive vibe of great music! I guess I would be much more depressed if I hadn't music. I can feel disappointed and deceived by people, but never by music, which is one of the few things that will always remain in my life and to which I will always be faithful and devoted.

And yes, Cis is a positive person I like to be surrounded by positive-thinking people because I am myself quite negative and full of fears..but a positive influence is a way to change your point of view and your attitude towards reality...
I tend to create problems that don't exist or to interpret the world in a wrong way...and it's difficult to get another vision of life if you are closed in yourself and tend to lose contact with reality and the others. That's why the best thing to do in some cases is action! Avoid to think too much and do things instead.
And as Deliverance6 said....love! Just try to love the people that sourround you and you can only have good from it! In a way the love you give comes always back!

 

[The Wretched]

I really can relate with the feeling of coldness,absence and desintegration you're going through,and I agree most people have the very same problems,but it is how they deal with these things that tell the most about them,and there is no good way or bad way in that case,just different approaches to similar emotions

Each and every human being is an island,we dont really understand the person right next to us,but some people dont even bother trying to.This really sucks because it depicts exactly the coldness and the "great cold distance" between each and every one of us.We only care about ourselves and even when we think we care for someone else,it really is about us in the end if we really look close enough.

Im usually a quiet person and even I knowing a lot of people and being in good terms with most of them,I know very well who my real friends are.I learned how to respect other peoples personal will and never interfere with it,that really is the best way to see who really cares for you with no secondary interests,no matter how different you are from him/her

And yes,I lost the girl I really loved in my life,somehow she thinks Im not the one for her,I know it would be wrong to interfere with her will on this subject because I know how hard it is to tell someone who likes you a lot that you dont like her the same way.I suffer every time I think about her,but I know my love for her will not cease,she lives inside of me and we created great memories I'll never forget.

Our happiness is ours alone and we cant rely it on another person's back,this does not mean we have to be alone.We have to learn how to respect the other persons feelings,but never to assume the responsibility for it.
Aniway,great hearing these stories from you =)

 

[Vincent J.]

@ Vincent:
I think you know I appreciate your guitar playing (haven't heard you on drums yet), you shouldn't be so frustrated! But I do understand you somehow, I feel the same about my limited musical skills quite often. It never sounds as good as I want it to, but then I just tell myself it's ok, it doesn't have to be perfect as long as I enjoy playing
Sorry to hear about your mom. Are you sure everything possible has been done for her??

thanks for your words =)

yeah...MS is a chronical disease with no cure that people know of... there seem to be some medicins that stagnate the whole process a bit, but there's too many side effects and all

 

[Vincent J.]

I tend to create problems that doens't exist or to interpret the world in a wrong way...and it's difficult to get another vision of life if you are closed in yourself and tend to lose contact with reality and the others. That's why the best thing to do in some cases is action! Avoid to think too much and do things instead.

indeed! you should know the feeling you feel bored, but too lazy to do anything. Just take some initiatives, go out a bit, or go buy some useful stuff you always had to buy but never did. It makes you feel good about the day cause it was useful

 

[Tone-Deaf]

well, that's a pretty interesting thread, although I got tired of reading all theese long posts... I see how you feel weathered, i hope that katatonia will give you the strength to keep on living. Katatonia's music is a way to express your depression and coldness, so i think that way most people feel better.

concerning myself, i guess i have been through difficulties...The last two years i haven't been out at all with friends, I didn't have fun, laugh and do all kind of stuff teens do typically, i guess the times i met them when we weren't at school were so few and lasted so short that i didn't even remember them, maybe it was 3 or 4, and I can't feel the same about them anymore, and in general i've stopped believing in friendship, the less they know about them, the safer you are. And they didn't seem to care, to call me ot something to ask me if everything's ok... i still can't see why i call them friends. Love? the last two or three years at least I haven't felt that I wanted to share, to love and be loved... But it was like i had chosen no to feel and share, it was like i wanted to be a deviant. What i've been doing on fridays, on weekends was sitting alone in front of my pc, digging music, and spending my time in vain, getting depressed by thinking the past, and the future, which looks really uncertain, everything is so obscure. Now, some things seemed to be more clear, and that's make me feel more confident.

 

[the mourner13]

@tone deaf
Man you're cool I'm sure we would be good friends if we were in the same place.One day you'll find the right people to call them friends...You rock