What do you guys do with yourselves when you lose someone you love?

[[UEAK]Clowd]

I'm gonna try to keep the mushy shit out of this as much as possible, so as to not make everyone on the forum throw up and call me a fag like we are in third grade at recess lol. Long story short, for the past 6 years I thought I was gonna grow up, marry this girl, and have a family with her. when times were rough... even really, really rough sometimes, when they were good, whatever... that dream was always there(and it wasn't one sided, we have talked about it), and a lot of my decisions in this life so far were with the goal of being able to provide for her and our future children in mind.

well, I fucked it up, I broke it, and I have been working my fingers to the bone to fix it/make up for it/etc for the past 8 months, which has probably been the most excruciating experience of my entire life. but I have come to uncover a few things recently that make me think that maybe no matter what I do, it's just not happening... at the very least, not for a very long time.

I know I sound like a whiny bitch, and I know everyone is just gonna say "there are plenty of other fish in the sea" blah blah blah. but when you invest that much of yourself into someone for that long, and lose it anyway... when you offer them the world and they still don't want to even try to move past their anger with you, when they doubt your love despite every proof in the world, it's....painful. to say the least. I can barely hold it together. I don't even know how I find the energy to keep getting myself out of bed in the morning. I think I just keep getting up every day and working my dick off in the hopes that maybe some day I will actually give a shit again.

I don't think there's any decent way to explain the 6 years of story and details that would be required for me to ask for advice on how I could continue trying to fix my situation, and I'm sure everyone would just say to give up anyway.

I don't know if I'm ready to give up completely yet but I feel like the best thing I can do for it right now is to do nothing. So I need something to cope, something to distract.. I don't even know. Work isn't cutting it anymore, even when business is booming and money is good, I have been drinking a lot more but that's not good either especially when my family history is considered. I'm not too fond of the idea of getting involved with another woman now or for the foreseeable future(physically or otherwise.. I have tried it a couple of times since this started and it was.... unfulfilling at best) I have been thinking about maybe going back to lifting but I have no appetite anymore and I don't wanna lose even more weight than I already have.

I feel like when people deal with this they go out and do things that they couldn't do before, but this girl didn't keep me from doing anything I wanted to. So I don't have that luxury, the only thing I could do I guess that's different is go out and bang a bunch of girls but like I said.. it's not even appealing right now. I keep trying to come up with things to do but anything I think of I'm just like meh... would rather just lay in bed. In fact, the only real way I get through a day at the studio or whatever is the thought that the sooner I get done, the sooner I can climb into bed and suffer alone. I've gone through this with her once before and I ended up doing a whole bunch of dumb and dangerous stuff and I don't really wanna go back down that path again.

What have you guys done to deal?

 

[Josh Burgess]

You sound exactly like me. haha. I don't have much to say other than I've been there/am kinda still there right now... except it was 4 years for me, not 6... I'm sure 6 is even worse, but 4 is enough to make it pretty horrible. I'm just now finally starting to get over it, and it's been almost 6 months since our break up. I still get extremely angry about the whole situation when I think about it... but I'm starting to think about it less as time goes on...

I know the feeling of not wanting to go out or do anything... I completely understand. I say, start focusing on yourself. Concentrate on improving yourself.... eating healthier, working out, learning new things, practicing familiar things, etc.... whatever you see fit... maybe use your money and blow some of it on yourself, getting some things that you will enjoy. I used to always save money up, always planning ahead... piling it up for the future we were supposed to have..... Well, after months of depression and being unable to get enjoyment out of anything I used to like doing, I've started to use the money from my new job to get myself some new things... new clothes, new amps, new guitars, electronics, etc.... I'm not a materialistic person, but getting some nice new things for yourself does help. Hanging out with friends helps too, even when you feel like you don't want to. It's really cliche to say, but this shit takes time to get over.... a lot of time for some people.... There is no shortcut through the pain, unfortunately...

and this next thing isn't something that you wanna hear, but it's important to try to remember if they just walk away from you without looking back, without being rational & forgiving you, without hearing you out, then they probably wouldn't be a good choice to marry, anyways... People are supposed to be there for each other even during the bad times. They are supposed to realize that people make mistakes and deserve forgiveness if they are willing to better themselves (to a certain extent... cheating is crossing the line, IMO) Things aren't always perfect. If somebody just walks away without hesitation, without communicating and trying to work out the problems, after that much time together, then they probably aren't all that great of a candidate for marriage, anyways...

 

[Mago]

Well if you say you fucked it up yourself and she has no will in fixing it then there's not much you can do right now other than learn from it and wait until the shitty days are over.
You didn't say what happened, but maybe because it did it shows that it wouldn't have been to best idea to stick together till the end anyway.
Not much one can do in such situation, at least I never was able to.
You could to try to find something new that you didn't do together with her. I guess I'd try to do double as much traveling and to see a lot, since it's half as expensive as it was before

 

[RedDog]

Take a trip out of town with some buds while you can, spend shit tons of time with your friends. If it weren't for my best buds, I wouldn't have near the amount of peace I have with myself and my relationships. Yeah, I turned to a lot of alcohol, but you meet lots of people doing that and as long as you keep your nose clean you should be able to set yourself straight again. Also, don't burn all of her belongings, that just creates more hostility. Get out and do something you never have before, the next year will be the toughest, trust me it will be smooth sailing after the initial rage subsides.

 

[Brandon E.]

start focusing on yourself. Concentrate on improving yourself.... eating healthier, working out, learning new things, practicing familiar things, etc.... whatever you see fit...

Exactly what I do in that situation...it is hard to care about much else.

 

[Fragle]

as said above, spend a lot of time with your friends - they'll understand, support and pull you through it -, bring some new things into your life, new hobbies e.g., and even though it sounds cliche, try to get your feelings out in a creative way. write some music. lyrics. anything that's creational will help. during such a time in your life you go through a lot of different deep emotions, anger, depression, self pity....pick up the guitar and write something that matches your mood. don't care if it fits into any style or matches the music of your band (if you have one) etc, just get it out. i don't know why, but i pretty much always feel better after this. partly because you will eventually start to really get into what you're writing as the song progresses, which is a nice distraction by itself. plus you'll listen back to what you wrote a few days/weeks/months/years later and will be remembered that you got past that state of mind you were in.
and that's something to remember.....no matter how hard it is, it WILL get better.

the most difficult part is to realize that you can't undo what happened, you need to accept it, learn to live with it, and most importantly learn from your mistakes.
i got to say though, even though you didn't tell what exactly happened, it's hardly ever just a one sided thing......you don't make mistakes just to do them, it's pretty much always because there's something just not right in the first place. just as an example, let's assume you cheated on her. i highly doubt you did it because you're just a notorious cheater. you wouldn't cheat on a women if you're 100% sure that she's the one, there's gotta be something wrong in the relationship in the first place - even though you might very well not see it or don't want to accept it. this goes for anything imho.

 

[XxSicRokerxX]

Whatever you do. Do not try and get her back by showering her with gifts or crazy amounts of attention, it never works. You say working your fingers to the bone to fix it? Don't. I've done the same, twice, and never got them back, and now I look back to to it and say, fuck them. It never works. Just let them be and let them miss you. I went out with a girl for 5 years then we broke up over something stupid. I look back at it and am bitter about it, but i really dont care about the situation anymore; im quite apathetic. Move on. Hang out with friends, meet a new girl.

You make the future, but it all starts withing leaving the past.

 

[Charlie E.]

As has been said already: Workout, chill with friends, and travel Good luck.

 

[AceFireForce117]

Am i the only one that thought from reading the title, it was going to be death related ? Not long ago i learned one of my friends was involved in a car accident. At least he died in hospital, surrounded by his friends & family and not alone... It was tough. very tough.

If it didn't work, then she's not the one, at this time. Good luck man, go see some people. Go to a gig and lose your mind in the pit with some friends, best thing ever !

 

[Nuno Filipe]

There are things that only time will heal and this are one of them but of course it will depend on how faster you want to forget and move on with your life. It´s hard in the begining but you will understand that makes no sense thinking in things that cannot be changed or wasting time with people that dont deserve it.