I haven't started a thread for a long time. I usually just like to observe... but I really need some help. Stand back people, Damien (thats my real name if ya couldn't guess) is about to release some of dem pent up emotions. *collective gasp*
I'm 17. I finished school about two months ago. I remember thinking on the last day (the morning after post-grad party)... "I'm never going to see most of these people again. And I'm not even emotional. What the fuck has happened to me." I then kinda said a few quiet good-byes to a few close friends and quietly crept off. I was fine for about two weeks, before reality really fucking hit me between the eyes. YOU ARE FINISHED WITH BEING A TEENAGER DAMIEN, YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON AND GO TO UNIVERSITY NOW. YOU ARE BASICALLY AN ADULT, YOU HAVE LEFT YOUR YOUTH BEHIND AND MORE OF LESS WASTED IT. By wasting my youth I mean, well I sorta only started going to parties and shit about a year ago, you know, really experiencing life and its' people. Before that I had been too introverted to really socialize much, but since then I've discovered that that is pretty much all we have as humans, other people. Anyways, for the past say month, I've began feeling more and more depressed. And I know a lot of you are going to think 'awwww, poor baby, hes depressed. Gee nobody has ever felt that way before, pfft" but when I've been depressed in the past I've just always thought about the good things in life. You know, how I still had my youth in front of me, still had all my friends and my social life (which was basically school). But not anymore. It feels as though, my world has turned dark, and there is no forseeable light. Dead heart in a living world (sorry).
Fucken hell, I'm rambling. I'll try and stay on topic. I'm really not looking forward to the future. Uni starts in about a month and a half. I have no place to stay down there (in brisbane), my parents never set up a university fund or anything, so i have no money. The only way I'll be able to survive is with assistance from the government and that is shit all. But thats just the materialistic bullshit. As I've become more and more mature (DSM don't read this) I've kinda started to realise that life just isn't very good. I mean, I see my mum drinking every night and I used to wonder... what drove her to that. But I'm starting to understand. I've lost the blissful ignorance that is youth (and I know a lot of you think 17 is still a kid but I reckon i have the mental age of a 20 yr-old) and I really do not like the way the world is looking. All I feel like doing is staying where I am now, and just working. Working to buy all the shit I don't need. Working so that I don't have to leave my little shelter. Working so that I don't have any responsibilites. Just staying here to simply try and maintain a firm grip on my youth. Because I know that once I move, that will be the nail in the coffin. I will have shed the glorious shackles of my past life. All is grey now.
As hard as it is to believe, I'm not stoned or pissed or anything. THis is the way I've been thinking for (what seems like) a long time now. There is jsut so much uncertainty in the future. And I don't even want to test the water. I am just kicking myself for being not willing to get the most out of life. And now I feel as if, you know, the 'life' part of my existence is over. The fun youth stuff is gone. And I hardly got to taste the sweet nectar. Sorry if I make no sense whatsoever, I just needed to do SOMETHING about the way I'm feeling. Fuck I sound selfish.
Sorry, Damien.
I'm 17. I finished school about two months ago. I remember thinking on the last day (the morning after post-grad party)... "I'm never going to see most of these people again. And I'm not even emotional. What the fuck has happened to me." I then kinda said a few quiet good-byes to a few close friends and quietly crept off. I was fine for about two weeks, before reality really fucking hit me between the eyes. YOU ARE FINISHED WITH BEING A TEENAGER DAMIEN, YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON AND GO TO UNIVERSITY NOW. YOU ARE BASICALLY AN ADULT, YOU HAVE LEFT YOUR YOUTH BEHIND AND MORE OF LESS WASTED IT. By wasting my youth I mean, well I sorta only started going to parties and shit about a year ago, you know, really experiencing life and its' people. Before that I had been too introverted to really socialize much, but since then I've discovered that that is pretty much all we have as humans, other people. Anyways, for the past say month, I've began feeling more and more depressed. And I know a lot of you are going to think 'awwww, poor baby, hes depressed. Gee nobody has ever felt that way before, pfft" but when I've been depressed in the past I've just always thought about the good things in life. You know, how I still had my youth in front of me, still had all my friends and my social life (which was basically school). But not anymore. It feels as though, my world has turned dark, and there is no forseeable light. Dead heart in a living world (sorry).
Fucken hell, I'm rambling. I'll try and stay on topic. I'm really not looking forward to the future. Uni starts in about a month and a half. I have no place to stay down there (in brisbane), my parents never set up a university fund or anything, so i have no money. The only way I'll be able to survive is with assistance from the government and that is shit all. But thats just the materialistic bullshit. As I've become more and more mature (DSM don't read this) I've kinda started to realise that life just isn't very good. I mean, I see my mum drinking every night and I used to wonder... what drove her to that. But I'm starting to understand. I've lost the blissful ignorance that is youth (and I know a lot of you think 17 is still a kid but I reckon i have the mental age of a 20 yr-old) and I really do not like the way the world is looking. All I feel like doing is staying where I am now, and just working. Working to buy all the shit I don't need. Working so that I don't have to leave my little shelter. Working so that I don't have any responsibilites. Just staying here to simply try and maintain a firm grip on my youth. Because I know that once I move, that will be the nail in the coffin. I will have shed the glorious shackles of my past life. All is grey now.
As hard as it is to believe, I'm not stoned or pissed or anything. THis is the way I've been thinking for (what seems like) a long time now. There is jsut so much uncertainty in the future. And I don't even want to test the water. I am just kicking myself for being not willing to get the most out of life. And now I feel as if, you know, the 'life' part of my existence is over. The fun youth stuff is gone. And I hardly got to taste the sweet nectar. Sorry if I make no sense whatsoever, I just needed to do SOMETHING about the way I'm feeling. Fuck I sound selfish.
Sorry, Damien.