Confessions

Shpongled

Shpongled

Member
Aug 30, 2001
13,483
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I'm way more shy in person than probably any of you would ever expect. It's easy to fake it online.

I have things going for me that most people would probably kill for, but deep down I feel like I haven't accomplished anything significant with my life.

I tell people I have no secrets, but I do. I guess that makes me a liar as well.

I oftentimes feel very hypocritical when giving people advice, especially when it comes to issues of self-esteem.

Sometimes I go through life feeling like I live in the shadows of my friends. Sometimes it bothers me and sometimes it doesn't, but no matter what I'm well aware of the fact that it's all up to me to break those mental chains and stop. Sometimes I care about it and sometimes and I don't and it eats me up inside all the time because I still haven't done anything about it.

I don't live as healthy a life as I know I should. I try, but not hard enough and I know I could do better. I just don't.

I'm lonely.

I'm confused.

Sometimes I feel like my best years are still ahead of me but before I can let myself get too optimistic about it, I convince myself that my "heydays" are passing me by as I sit here typing on the internet thinking about garbage like this.

I don't know what typing this out is going to do but I don't care. It kind of sounds like a cry for attention, and maybe it is, but I still wouldn't care if no one even read it.

I feel like I'd deserve it if I got mugged on the way to my car after work tonight. My whole life up to this point feels faked, forced, and well.... wrong.

But the main feeling I've had that I've never told anyone before is that 100% of the time I feel forgettable. I know it's not true but I can't make myself think otherwise. I know that I can do anything I want with my life and it's all well within my physical and mental capabilities, but I just can't learn to like myself and that makes it hard for me to believe that others would. Talk about a vicious cycle.

Today is a weird one. I think this shit all the time but never say it or type it.

As soon as I click that little "submit new thread" button down there, I know I'm going to regret it.

*takes a deep breath*
 
More on topic, serious note:

I have no skills or talents, no artistic ability, no great knowledge, and no motivation to acquire any. It bugs me. I come from a very privileged background, of which I am grateful and I know I really could do whatever I wanted, but I can barely get myself through a single semester of college.

I'm also immensely self-conscious and insecure. Pretty much everything I do is somehow resulting from what i fear others may think of me.
 
I routinely hide personal information and thoughts from everyone I talk to because it may create the image that I'm more fragile and human than I care to be seen as.
 
I love you guys. Your honesty goes a long way, Kevin. I respect that.

If I were to compile a list, it would look a lot like yours. I will reply with my list shortly.
 
eh, im just restating shit that is already known

-I'm not a terribly private person. In fact, I'm far from it.
-After my best friend killed himself, I started trusting people less and became much more of a cold bastard.
-I have security issues which only really seem to be slightly helped if I'm in a relationship.

*shrugs*
 
I would reply with a list but I fear it will cause some kind of shit storm (I don't know) and I respect Kevin too much to derail his heart felt thread. Hope you cheer up dude I read earlier you felt a bit lethargic.
 
I have terrible self-esteem and not confident. People think I am avoidant or I don't like them when in reality I am too shy to approach people. I feel like I am always in the shadows and I am doing nothing to change, even when it is killing me inside.

I am intelligent and going to college to major in electrical engineering, yet I am not sure anymore if this is what I want out of my life. Money doesn't make me happy and I lack motivation to achieve my career goal, I do it to please others around me and because of the pressures and expectations placed on me.

I stress out way too much , lose sleep, and dwell in the past too much. I wish I could just live without worrying about events that have already happened and just live and let live.

I feel that my friends never really cared for me like I do for them and that I don't really have a close friend to really open up to. My friendships are superficial and I feel lonely.

I feel apathetic most days and go through my day as if routine. At the end of the day I feel no better or gain any sense of accomplishment.

I procrastinate and I hate myself for it.

Before you say I might be depressive, I have dealt with depression my whole life. I had a bad childhood and it is sad that I can't think of even a few good memories. The relationship I have with my parents is a bitter one. I feel the need to be the coolest big brother when around my little bro. I always felt like I grew up to quick.
 
Maybe tomorrow I have some shit to do tonight.

I guess as a quick note I am very lazy, but I don't know why. I will exercise 45 mins at a high intensity then eat a plate of cookies 2 hours later. I am trying hard to lose weight but I am serious addicted to chocolate. In an unfunny way :lol: I have incredible cardio stamina but I am like 60 pounds overweight it's fucking weird. I honestly don't know what the fuck is the matter with me. I am very intelligent, but I have like no motivation it seems lately. Every time I get a step ahead I get knocked two back, it's fucked :lol: But I cope with it well. I'm hoping shit will be worked out someday soon.
 
You know, Kevin, I get what you're saying. I spent a huge part of my life trying to be the invisible girl, both for the freedom of it and because I thought it was what I'd earned. After I left Paul I was shocked - completely shocked - to find that a bunch of the people I'd met through him and while with him were actually really good friends and liked me because of me rather than because of us or him. I had been convinced that I would end out thoroughly alone when/if I ever left, that it was what I'd earned and deserved, and it was scary as hell. I feel like a fake pretty much of the time. Oh, don't get me wrong, I'd hear people tell me I was this or that, but I never saw it, myself, and so I thought they were just being polite. It took nearly 40 years, but I finally decided I'd act like I believed it was true and see what happened. What happened was I just started to enjoy it. Well, that and I think I ended out with the single most awesome group of friends a girl ever had. In the end, though the best I can do is the best I can do. I realized then that what I was faking and failing were internal, self-set goals and ideals, rather than the ones imposed upon me by society. Society didn't expect me to be the Goddess incarnate, they just thought I was good at the things I did well. *shrugs*

Being me, I overanalyzed the shit out of it. I kind of decided that when we're young, we're told these light-hearted fairy tales about princes and princesses, and about being able to do anything we want when we grow up. It turns out that the fairy tales are intended for children and so don't mention the work, luck, birthright and/or natural talent that need to align with the intended goal. Within my father's age group, everyone seemed to know "a guy" who was THE person to see if you needed ...whatever. This was how he and his friends communicated. If your transmission went out, you had to go see Fred. Gutters? See Bob. Etc. I think it was sort of old-fashioned networking in retrospect, but within me, it combined with the excess of the 80's, and the popular language of the 80's, to symbolize a need to be the best at something -- a wonderwoman at something...or everything. I think what it meant to my father was that Fred and Bob were talented at what they did, and he trusted and liked them. I missed the connection, and since I am clearly not wonderwoman, I felt a failure.

When I finally made the connection, I turned in my bullet-proof bracelets and gave the plane nobody could see to the government ( :D ). I kept the magic lasso 'cause it was fun. I started trying to just be a regular person who accepted compliments and believed them within the framework that they were given. It was very relaxing, frankly. I've had my Forrest Gump moments where I met or got to know people, or do things, or go places that there's no reasonable reason that little nobody me should ever have gotten to meet or know or do or see. Dumb luck? Whatever. It happened. It's still true. And if I hadn't lived my life the way I did and made the choices, mistakes and all, that I did, it likely would not have happened to me. Not that I brag, though, I'm not feeling that secure. :)

It's not perfect. I still feel like I'm seen differently than I feel, but I try to remember that one man's garbage is another man's treasure, and move on.

Interestingly enough, I had almost this exact same conversation with my Stepson about a week and a half ago. He tends to feel the same way, basically. He gets told he's special and he doesn't feel it. He knows in his head that he's worked hard and he sees how hard his coworkers and friends work or don't at whatever they're doing, but he still doesn't measure up in his head to where others see him. It was almost the same background for him that it was for me - he was also kind of in the shadow of others he percieved to be incredible, at least with one thing - his dad not the least of them. He reminded me that sometimes grownups can seem superhuman when you're a kid, as well. You never know what grampa gave to dad, and all that. He also perceived his current position in life to be relatively Gumptacular. And, in the end, he's also decided to just kind of go with it. It is what it is, you know?

Oh, and for the record, you're not forgettable. :D
 
I don't really trust people. From middle school on up all I ever saw was gossip and backstabbing and I never wanted to be the victim of it. Since Nick and I broke up, no one has my complete trust or knows the deeper things about me. Except for maybe Dave, but I still guard against him... which is weird as I'd do anything for him.

I've become uncertain around guy friends (besides Dave) because some seem to think there may be "something" there and it makes things awkward. And I'm tired of trying to keep a distance.

My ex is trying to get back together with me. While I know I don't want to date him again, I'm lonely at times and it's difficult to maintain my decision.

I don't like most people. And yet, I enjoy working in retail and helping them?

I eat powdered sugar out of the box when working on computer projects.

That's it for now.
 
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