Your defining moment (so far)

Originally posted by Lina
all i'm thinking is y'all need to get on some goddamn prozac, and fast.

you MUST realize that everything you described is someone who is clinically depressed. in this day and age, it's not like you don't have a choice and are doomed to a life of hopelessness.

i know it's hard to get the motivation to go to the doctor, because a lack of motivation is obviously a symptom of depression (i'm dealing with that now). but realize that your situations CAN be changed, so i can't feel that sorry for you.
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I've had enough of the drugs. They turned me into an emotionless brick, and I don't want that. Maybe they were the wrong drugs, I don't know, But I'm sick of doctors and social workers, and mum won't pay for a psychologist, and I feel, how could they help me now, and because of my massive superiority complex, i'd probably just sit there laughing at them.

I went through a stage where I tried to help myself already, but it didn't work. I know its frustrating, but I'm the laziest shit on the planet, and I can't do anything without my mum interupting and getting up my ass and coming to the doictor with me and butting in and screaming at me and hitting me and ... i'll shut up now..

But in the present second, right now, at this instant, i am happy, that's how I live.. If I'm doing something, I enjoy, I'm happy, if something goes wrong, in the slightest, I break down. oh, and ADD is so fun, my friends love it. they love it when I break there stuff, or twiddle my legs and fiddle and jiggle like a crazy person. right now my legs are in a constant state of jiggling, like playing a doublke kick. I should be a drummer. Hey guys, is it ok that I'm just splurting out a whole lot of bullshit, I hope yas don't mind to much.
 
Originally posted by Xtokalon


I strongly beg to differ with you on this one.

I'm studying to become a psychologist (hopefully I'll get hitched up by MIT in the future to work on other things), and I agree with S4R.

Drugs are overprescribed by people who don't even understand depression.

Most cases of depression and those who are depressed are not the "clinical" kind. Theirs have a radically different pathology, which many of my colleagues have yet to understand.

In short, let me ask you this. Why prescribe prozac? Why not booze, why not dope and narcotics? Prozac works just as these do, that is, as an ameliorative.

Depression is a "disease" in a way of speaking, but in the vast majority of cases, it is not, etiologically, a "medical" disease or arising from some kind of bio-chemical aberrancy. Drugs are ill-subscribed when it's (depression) not.

postedit: It's possible those who go around talking about "depression is a medical disease" are the ones who are fleeing from themselves in bad faith. Ironically, to these people I would precribe the same advice as you have: swallow your pride! and stop blaming biology!
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Depression is a disease, it is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. A lack of Seratonin, and they drugs try to replace it. But the drugs also effect adrenelin levels as well. Some drugs made me over excitable and others turned me into a brick. None solved the problem. The medical community really has no idea about depression or what the hell to do about it. I've heard that some beleive that depression is gonna be the worst plague of this century, comparing it to the black death plague. so we're all in for a fun ride anyway. I'm just glad I'm smart enough to NEVER commit suicide.
 
Originally posted by Kushantaiidan
2 months ago i gave up.

simply gave up.

i don't work, i skip all my classes, i don't care anymore. if i was an idiot, i would have commited suicide by now.

That was my latest defining moment.

I found I have no purpose, no use. I just try enjoy my life day to day, listen to muic, download anime, play computer games, have fun with my girl friend.

I'm kinda behaving like a terminally ill person, trying to enjoy the last moments of life, forgetting about the future.

I used to have big plans, and dreams, but my Mother and this hopeless university, and this shitty poor ass country saw to my failure. My mother has physically and mentally abused me beyond the point of no return. hooray. i need a hug. i need... OPETH!
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That's my story almost exactly. I've never been abused, and I hate anime, but other than that... I hear you.
 
Originally posted by Blackspirit
A friend of mine were/is depressed.
He started seeing a psychologist and after a while
the doctor prescribed him some "luck pills" (Norwegian name).
I have never thought that drugs/medicine would
solve a problem like this, and I was right.
My friend stopped caring, nothing was important.
He said he got more depressed than ever.
He was just "floating" in some way.

All he now cares about is his family, which is good,
but he has lost a lot of barriers in his life because
of the medicine he was prescribed.
He got into a hell of a lot of mess, I think he
woul've avoided if he wasn't on these pills....
He simply didn't care about the consequences,
even though he knew what he was doing was
wrong, and stupid!
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Exactly! but with me, I hate my family to the very depth, I'd happily see them dead, I stopped loving them about 6 months ago, I hate my brother, I'm extremely jealous of his HAPPY SIMPLE LITTLE LA DI DA LIFE, off to work he goes during the day, comes home at night, watches commercial tv, goes to night clubs, has the time of his life. yay. My dad is a wimp and is treated by my mother the same way I am treated, I hate him because he's nothing, he doesn't do anything, say anything, he's a frigging hay bail! I have nightmares about my mums eyes.
 
Originally posted by metalmancpa
Can you remember that particular moment in your life that you felt defined who you are today?

Mine is the day I was married.
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The day I ate muff...
and the day I realized that muff comes and goes but friends are forever.

Speaking of that, some muff for lunch would be nice.
 
Originally posted by Xtokalon


Kushan,

In all earnestness, I have a few questions that I dare you to indulge:

Why does your mother treat you so badly? And why have you let her abuse you?

What were your dreams and why have you lost the spirit to carry them out?

Do you think your mother affects how you view your life?

Why do you hate your father when in fact you seem to have become just like him?

And if you have become just like your father, why 1) complain about him? 2) bitch about the life you have willfully accept, if not defiantly accept?

I'm presuming you're a person who actually suffers and doesn't use suffering as an excuse to be a loser. And if you're a person who is suffering would you rather not be?

One last question: do you respect honesty and pride yourself in being honest?
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Mrrrrrrrrrrrrrrdfff

lettuce just got into the keyboard.

so THAT's why we aren't supposed to eat in her!

My mother is very confused at the moment, her personality has evolved into that of a Psychopathic Monster. She had an abusive first husband, which must have really ffd fucked her up. And her caring for me has developed into something else. Anyway, she is a very aggresive person, overruling and she is a control freak. I am a combination of my two parents, which is very bad. I get my mothers strength and my fathers stupidity. And I try not to let me abuse me. I stand up for myself a lot, and I am always surprised when I visit my friends and they let there parent walk all over them.

I don't let my mum get away with anything, and that means arguements, and neither of us back down, until she starts punching me. I ussually try and avoid hitting back, but sometimes I can't help it. and I have a bad temper, that snaps like crazy. But I've never hurt her. But she has hurt me. But the worst part is the mental part. She is so condescending, and refuses to try and understand anything, and expects way to much of me and just won't leave me alone. She keeps hammering at me until I crack.

This constant onslaught made me give up. I'm almost failing university just to spite her. I've threatened her with taking my own life once. But that didn't change anything. So I just gave up. And now I am a mumbling grumbling thing and just walk around the house, if she tells me to do something, or gets up my ass about something, I completely ignore her.

She has no effect mon my view on life however. My view has been more effected by the way I was treated at school. Picked on, bashed up etc. It's given me a severe hate for the general society. And eventually I found my niche amongst an intellegent group of people. I've also developed a big superiority complex, I'm also very selfish. I care only for myself, because I am myself, I haven't got time on this world to worry about others.

The parts of myself that have become like my father are the exact reason why I hate him. I can be slow, and clueless and stupid, uncoordinated, not good with people, withdrawn. I just hate the fact that he lacks my self umm.. like he doesn't stand up for himself. But he doesn't know any different, and he doesn't care. He is dtupid and simple, as well as not knowing anything, and he can't read. He is an idiot, makes stupid mistakes, but doesn't understand anything, like depression. He just works and sleeps.
He seems unemotional and he's just a nothing. He's nothing to be proud of. And I'm angry at him for giving me his behaviol properties.

The reason I bitch about my life is because I like to talk about it. I'm a very open person. On the internet anyeway. I don't talk to people here irl, because where I live they are all idiots, and don't understand anything.

And I haven't really accepted anything yet. I spose I'm still in a state of transition.

I would rather not be suffering, but I wouldn't want to change myself, I don't want to adapt to the people around here, I don't want to fall down to their level. And I suppose suffering is a condition of thinking you are better than everyone else.

I am also a very honest person and pride myself on being an honest person. I have self pride, and I have slef esteem. I love myself, and hate everyone else. And I am angry at them for making me suffer. But I do realize that I am in the wrong a lot of times. Well most of the time. I know I bring this all on myself. but yeah, that's a bit of a grey area.

I hope this helps you understand a bit. But it has severely confused me now.

my god, did I just type that? far out. *.*
 
Originally posted by Kushantaiidan


MUFF is overrated!
Click to expand...

Yeah it is...
So, whenever you get bored, you move south of the muff area by an inch or two.
 
Originally posted by Kushantaiidan


Mrrrrrrrrrrrrrrdfff

lettuce just got into the keyboard.

so THAT's why we aren't supposed to eat in her!

My mother is very confused at the moment, her personality has evolved into that of a Psychopathic Monster. She had an abusive first husband, which must have really ffd fucked her up. And her caring for me has developed into something else. Anyway, she is a very aggresive person, overruling and she is a control freak. I am a combination of my two parents, which is very bad. I get my mothers strength and my fathers stupidity. And I try not to let me abuse me. I stand up for myself a lot, and I am always surprised when I visit my friends and they let there parent walk all over them.

I don't let my mum get away with anything, and that means arguements, and neither of us back down, until she starts punching me. I ussually try and avoid hitting back, but sometimes I can't help it. and I have a bad temper, that snaps like crazy. But I've never hurt her. But she has hurt me. But the worst part is the mental part. She is so condescending, and refuses to try and understand anything, and expects way to much of me and just won't leave me alone. She keeps hammering at me until I crack.

This constant onslaught made me give up. I'm almost failing university just to spite her. I've threatened her with taking my own life once. But that didn't change anything. So I just gave up. And now I am a mumbling grumbling thing and just walk around the house, if she tells me to do something, or gets up my ass about something, I completely ignore her.

She has no effect mon my view on life however. My view has been more effected by the way I was treated at school. Picked on, bashed up etc. It's given me a severe hate for the general society. And eventually I found my niche amongst an intellegent group of people. I've also developed a big superiority complex, I'm also very selfish. I care only for myself, because I am myself, I haven't got time on this world to worry about others.

The parts of myself that have become like my father are the exact reason why I hate him. I can be slow, and clueless and stupid, uncoordinated, not good with people, withdrawn. I just hate the fact that he lacks my self umm.. like he doesn't stand up for himself. But he doesn't know any different, and he doesn't care. He is dtupid and simple, as well as not knowing anything, and he can't read. He is an idiot, makes stupid mistakes, but doesn't understand anything, like depression. He just works and sleeps.
He seems unemotional and he's just a nothing. He's nothing to be proud of. And I'm angry at him for giving me his behaviol properties.

The reason I bitch about my life is because I like to talk about it. I'm a very open person. On the internet anyeway. I don't talk to people here irl, because where I live they are all idiots, and don't understand anything.

And I haven't really accepted anything yet. I spose I'm still in a state of transition.

I would rather not be suffering, but I wouldn't want to change myself, I don't want to adapt to the people around here, I don't want to fall down to their level. And I suppose suffering is a condition of thinking you are better than everyone else.

I am also a very honest person and pride myself on being an honest person. I have self pride, and I have slef esteem. I love myself, and hate everyone else. And I am angry at them for making me suffer. But I do realize that I am in the wrong a lot of times. Well most of the time. I know I bring this all on myself. but yeah, that's a bit of a grey area.

I hope this helps you understand a bit. But it has severely confused me now.

my god, did I just type that? far out. *.*
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There's some movie material here.
 
Kush,

I can relate to what you are going through, although my family was (is) perfect. Once I was out of there to study in the States, and got introduced to the WASP-y superficiality and hypocrisy I became an angry person.

The only thing that helped me overcome that were a handful of friends and meaningful music; Danzig in particular.

I reccomend you do the same; forge some meaningful friendships that you can always fall back into when you get slapped by society, and some music to give inner strength in between.

As Glenn Danzig used to say: "Friends are few and far between. A friend is somebody you can rely on, and they can rely on you. I have very few".
 
You've made some wonderful points Xtokalon.

The reason I said I was confused is because, as you can see by what I said, I AM CONFUSED, i don't really know what I think. One minute I'm sure of something, the next minute I'm not.

I'm gonna have to read your post a few times to understand everything. And there are a lot of questions there. But this is all helping.
 
Actually, you have pretty much figured me out.

OK, i'll give a go at answering some of these questions:

I'll try my best to not contradict myself as well.

Originally posted by Xtokalon


It seems your mother needs therapy more than you do- as she is more fucked up than you are! Your friends let their parents walk over them, but then again, they're not dropping out of college and fucking up their life to spite them. Have you ever come by the adage "don't cut your nose to spite your face"? and "the best revenge is being happy"? Would these statements mean anything to you? Would these statements be in the realm of any vicinity of meaning for you?
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The best revenge is being happy, Well I have tried this approach, and you could say that is the approach I am taking at the moment. But I'm not really sure if I want to spite her or if I want revenge. I kind of want to just get away from her, in the hope that our relationship would improve over a distance, as it did with my brother. My mother refuses to accept she is or ever was WRONG, so she refuses any therapy, she blames everything entirely on me, and nowadays she continues to exclaim that I am ruining her life. It really doesn't give me much satisfaction if I make her suffer, and the only times I want to spite her is when I lose my temper because of her, or if I am more angry and depressed than ussual because of something she has done.


So you have your mother's strength, you stand up for yourself, yet you crack under the weight of your mother's hostile esteem for you, her "condescension" and her demanding "expectations"? I'm sure you recognize the confusing contradictions going on here. Is it possilbe that you have left college simply because you'd rather watch anime, play video games, and hang out with your girlfriend all day? Your self-defeating actions are agressions against your mother- and this is a reality, but to be honest with you, it seems you're also using your family life as an excuse to bum out, no? why or why not?
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To clear things up, I haven't left college(university (australia)), I've just given up on classes, I still goto university, because my mum thinks I'm still going to classes, and she continues to tell me how she expects me to pass all my subjects this semester. Though I know I'm lying right to her face. But maybe I am using my family life to bum out, but that is what I want to do (i think but i don't, i don't know!!!) I'm not sure, because I have lost a lot of motivation, I don't really want to do anything, I just want to do what I want to do. This attitude has grown within me over time, and now I almost expect people to accept such bumming around behavior. But Really, I WOULD PREFER TO BE MOTIVATED, I'D PREFER TO HAVE A DIRECTION, i don't want to bum around, but in my current status, that's all I fell i can do. I am hoping I might be able to move out at the end of the year and move to a new city, and start fresh, get some job, away from my mother, away from the "idiots" of my town, to the more socially open minded city (melbourne). I don't know if this fresh start would change anything. I've tried fresh starts before, and they never work. So what makes me think this will work. I don't know. Do I have a choice?

About having a superiority complex and being selfish, I could have told you that. :) I think most people will tell you that the enemies they've had in life are responsible for who they are indeed--- and that they are grateful for it-- they wouldn't have it any other way.
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I am grateful to my enemies for making me who I am, but that doesn't mean I feel guilty for putting myself above those people. The reason I have put myself above those people is well.. i don't really know. I'm not sure. This is one of my grey areas. I don't even really understand what a Superiority complex is, or if I have one or why I might have one. All I know is I look at the average person in my town with disgust and jeolousy, that they can live such happy simple little lives and just plod along la di da...

But you have a funny way of taking care of yourself. YOu live to spite the person you don't respect, in effect spiting yourself and condemning yourself to a purposeless and idle life. You blame society for your problems and then take pride in the fact that you hate society and have a "superiority complex." You don't have time to worry about others, yet you'd kill yourself to get back at your mom. Now I'm confused.--You like being honest, but you also don't mind being absurd??
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Well, as you can see, I have put myself in a dead end really. Also, my mum and "others" are different i think, maybe...

Suicide is absurd, and that was just an idle threat I made to her after after she'd beaten me into a rolled up ball in a corner. Tho I feel I have almost mastered not caring about these "others" like the general population, but my mother is different, it is a lot harder to not care about what my mother is doing to me. Is it wrong to blame my mother partially for the way I feel?

Do you know what it means to be a nihilist? In the case you don't Nihilists, by one definition, are people who actively view life as purposeless, meaningless. They accept it as such, and would rather conform to the expectations of these life views. Hey if you want to live life this way, it's fine by me, if it's fine by you. But it would be absurd (if you do accept being 'nihilistic' in some quasi-fashion) to want to "stop suffering" right?
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I don't want to suffer. If being a nihilist means accepting suffering then I am not a nihilist.

Again the contradictions: you say you don't care about others, yet your whole life--- down to very way you even esteem yourself-- centers around others. You give your attributes (stupidity etc.) and relations names-- ie., the people you hate and blame. Why do you do this? Why would you rather "bring it on to yourself" and bitch when precisely you "bring it on to yourself"?
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This points out my multiple views on things I spose. Sometimes I think I bring it on myself either thru self realization or guilt. I don't think I would rather bring it on my self. I think I would like to blame everyone else for everything. But as you pointed out, it doesn't add up. I can't say I don't care about anyone, when I infact inherit personality attributes from the people I Love/Hate the most. I doesn't add up. So therefor, I must be partially to blame for everything as well. Tho I would rather blame it on everyone else, I can see that I am at fault as well. Though I don't know how to combat this..

Bitching for sake of agonizing is one thing- a lot people are actually very suicidal-- you live in Australia you should know. Bitching for sake of bitching and self-vanity is something esle. Which category are you?
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Perhaps a bit of both. I'm not quite sure. I spose some of my bitching is to seek out sympathy, and to let out emotions, which since I went on the antidepressants has been VERY difficult to do. I'm off them again because of this. Also, they affected my sex drive. I'm getting off the point here... um.. I spose another reason for bitching is to reassure myself and my beleif that I am better than the average bear. I suppose.

I hope that everyone understands that I don't think I'm better than everyone. (more contradictions, oh well) This is why I come to THESE forums, or sociallize with who I beleive to be more intellegent people, people that question their existance and their place. Maybe the people I feel myself above are those that just accept everything.

It's interesting a lot people here, including myself- including opeth- harbor some degree of misanthropia. So you're actually quite at home here :). Anyway, my observation is this: in your life, everybody is the idiot except and, ironically, including you. You're disposed to disassociate with other people because they are idiots, yet you are an idiot who has inherited his idiocy from his pansy father. How can this be so? Are you actually suffering or are you actually moping around your house loving the time you have to bum out? And if this, do you intend to continue to use "your suffering" as an excuse to bum out?
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It is quite ironic, which is depressing. I do not intend to use this as an excuse to continue bumming around. I don't want to bum around. But that alone is not enough MOTIVATION to make me want to go and do something. And I can smell the perfum of an x girlfriend right now, and it is really pissing me off. I'm really unsure and undecided about a lot of things. And unfortunately this attitude takes a lot of space up in my mind, and it becomes quite troubling. Hence depression brought on by depression.

I'm glad to hear it-- fuck those pills. Smoke weed instead!
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But drugs are bad. :(
There is also no way I could afford it. And I've seen too many negative effects from weed. Only over the last few months have drugs even crossed my mind. But I don't want to even think about it. It would only lead to more pain. or would it?!?!?!

This sounds like an epiphany, a moment of self-realization. You're in a transitional phase-- I hope you don't ultimately adapt to the people around you, and I hope you transcend them. But it's true that being home all the time to spite your mother is not going to help you live to the fullest. And it doesn't help that you often do blame others for how you have *chosen* to live now. And you're right, suffering and grievance can often be narcissistic.
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Well, I do intend to get out of this rut. Just how is what eludes me. There are no easy answers, and that's exactly what I want. I want a quick fix and haven't the motivation to try and save myself any other way. I have phases, where I wish to change everything, make things better. But I have tried and failed so many times. I've tried everything I can think of, and it just brings me around in circles. I HAVE been happier since i GAVE UP. this is not a good sign. I live in the instant, I don't think of the future, and so far it seems to help, but the fact there is no future niggles me in the back of my mind, and I know it won't work in the long run. But right now what else can I do?

"I hope this helps you understand a bit"-- yes it does. I'm glad you're not one of those pussies who'd rather stay mute about their problems.

"But it has severely confused me now"-- I doubt you're being sincere :) You know yourself more than anyone ever could (excepting maybe your girlfriend)

later.
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I may know myself, but I continually argue with myself, my mind is in a constant stage of battle, hence the contradictions etc. I am confused. I almost feel I am not smart enough to cope with my own mind. I don't know.
 
HELL YEAH danzig is the shit.
ok im sharing this life defining moment. and it involves danzig! :p
i was in fifth grade and my brother was a freshman in highschool. my brother was my hero-i looked up to him more than anyone in the world. even thought hed gotten all weird and distant from me throughout the years...i just didnt understand that then, but of course i do now. so he wore wrist bands everyday, played guitar, had long hair...a total metalhead!
i hung out with these chicks and i remember we all thought guns and roses and metallica were pretty cool-not like i understood what any of it meant-but anyways-we were talking about music and this girl that was a little older than me was like "whatever you do DONT listen to danzig! hes satanic!!"
haha so the next time my brother wasnt home, i snuck into his room and grabbed danzig 2. i put it in his cd player, hit play-got out the booklet-and after like 30 seconds i just freaked out. i thought i was going to hell! seriously! ha! i was so young and it really scared the hell out of me. i put everything back up and ran back to my room...
not until two years later would i buy a danzig album...but that one little moment definately helped define me because i realized that hearing 30 seconds of danzig didnt mean my soul was damned, didnt meant that satan was gonna get me! and when i got danzig 4 in seventh grade-well, my whole outlook on life was revolutionized. so thats that!
 
Hmm, I can relate to most of the characteristics and events (or rather, actions) Kush mentioned of himself.

I can't pinpoint my defining moment, because the major change took place during a period of about two years. Before that I was a stupid, ignorant kid, hanging around with my friends even though some of them clearly didn't like me.. I just didn't mind, I went to visit them nonetheless. Now, some years after the phase, I'm a.. stupid, depressed, ignorant kid with no one to hang around with. :lol: Just kidding.

I'm not exactly the personification of happines or joy, I'm cynical, quite misanthropic and silent. I don't know how it'd feel like to be rid of any of those, and I don't know if I even want to. At least I'm in terms with myself.

I'm not going to go through what happened during the two years, because I don't want people starting to analyze me or how certain things have affected me, for two reasons:

1) This is the Internet. We like to intensify things here. Opinions, emotions, et cetera.
2) The events would be of my point of view only and I probably wouldn't be able to describe them properly. I'm pretty bad with words, because I conceive everything as images of one sorts. Not as pictures, but as complex chains of thought... well, like I said, I can't describe it.
 
I do have a Drug and its called Maria, she is my girlfriend and for some reason she thinks i should find a reason to live
so and try....and try and try and there is nothing. I dont think i have been bad for that long its just like 2 years now but then again i wouldnt take a drug ever, i dont drink i dont smoke i never done a single drug in my life i dont even like things stronger than aspirines.
And its for a reason how would my life be different if i rely on a pill to live and have like a motivation to live, i would become emptier still.
And yea i hear all your words about getting professional help and i have heart them before: from myself. Yet i just cant just get it over with and waste my money on therapy ( i dont believe in it but at this point i dont care ). I cant even tell my parents, sometimes i cant even tell my girlfriend the only thing i can do its write music and lyrics about it all the time but i dont have enough motivation all the time to just get myself to practice on a daily basis and enter a music faculty on classical guitar...i just cant.
Everyone has an opinion and answer, even I, but it doesnt change a damn thing...it hasnt in this past years
I doubt anything but death would

Edit: Well not 2 years maybe something like...7.
I must admit that number now scares me....
 
I'm coming in a little late, so I'll just drop my defining moment and go back to the corner.

I think it was probably when I transferred highschools in my last semester of OAC (grade 13 in Ontario). I met totally new people who opened my mind to a lot of things and who would continue to influence my life, positively and occasionally negatively, to this day.

Or, perhaps it was when I up and left home to live in Halifax, with no friends to speak of. This taught me a lot about myself, a lot that I wish i'd known sooner.

To everyone on the board who's shared their problems, and to all giving aid to complete strangers.. thanks. It's what makes this place worth coming to every day, and what keeps the hope alive in me that there are still intelligent people in the world.
 
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