Chapter One - Dawn of the Sun Rising
Dari-san stood in perfect crane posture, his razor-sharp katana gleaming in the orange sun as it began to rise over the hills of Chungshang. He had been practicing for five days straight and had spent the last three immobile in the crane posture as Shaolin monks hurled rotten fruit at him. He was swollen from bee stings and his muscles had built up so much lactic acid that they had begun to dissolve through his skin in places, yet he remained as the rock, unmoving in the face of passing time.
In the periphery of his vision he could see his ancient master Mao Dung hobbling with the aid of his cane from the pagoda to the North. To most his approach would seem agonizingly slow, but for Dari Armstro the master samurai it was a pleasant and calming approach, like light seen forming patterns when filtered through the leaves of trees or some other obtuse nature metaphor.
"Good this is Dari-san," croaked his master at last as he began tapping Dari's blood-stained pant legs with his cane. "Ready you are for your journey."
Armstro collapsed into a sitting heap, yet still he looked down at his tiny master, shriveled with age to barely more than three feet in height.
"I am ready to turn into soup in the hot springs," groaned Ari. "I am ready to be fed sushi and fanned by a throng of geishas."
Mao Dung chuckled amicably.
"Time you will have to rest when completed is your journey!"
"What is this journey Sensei?" Asked Dari. "You have mentioned it so many times but you have never told me what it entails."
"Strong you are Dari-san," explained Master Dung. "Strongest swordsman in all of Japan you are. But to defeat China's strongest swordsman you are not ready for. Journey you must to the shrine of your ancestors. Find you will there the ancient sword of the Armstro clan. Learn you will the power of your ancestors. Ready you will be then."
Armstro stood, his strength regained, his sideburns fluttering handsomely in the ocean breeze. He returned his katana to its sheath and tucked it beneath his flowing blue and green robe.
"Danger you will also find, crimson ninjas in the forest are!" Warned Master Dung.
Legend spoke of the crimson ninjas and being Japanese and a samurai Armstro was all too aware of what legend spoke of. They were a vicious clan of ninjas ruled over by the ancient demon samurai Shao Tsung. They slaughtered travelers, burned down villages, and generally terrorized the entire island of Japanohama. Despite their fearsome reputation, Armstro was not afraid, he was never afraid.
"I go now master!" And he went, trotting along a road toward the Isuzuki forest where the crimson ninjas waited for him.
Chapter Two - Late Morning Brunch Time Sun
The heat of the mid-morning sun was dissipated by the towering trees of the forest and they canopy they formed over Dari Armstro's head. The sounds of birds and insects seemed to become more muted the further into the forest he went, and he could feel his keen samurai senses tingling. When he heard the sound of footsteps padding quietly - too quietly - down the dirt path he immediately jumped one hundred feet directly into up into the air and landed on a tree branch. Birds took off with a cry from their nests as if anticipating some sort of bloody samurai versus ninja duel.
Instead a man in a simple straw hat appeared on the path below Armstro, although the swords lashed to his back belied the mysterious traveler's warrior spirit. Dari waited until the man had walked past him and then jumped straight down one hundred feet without injury and even more totally awesomely, without making a single sound. The man turned slowly and calmly to face him, his jaw set and his face unreadable.
"I am Dari Armstro," said Dari Armstro, noting the crimson colored hand-guards on the man's swords.
"I am Heddiki Hakimaki," said the man quietly.
Dari Armstro knew the name well for Heddiki Hakimaki was the greatest swordsman in all of China. This was the man he must ultimately face in battle to claim the title of the greatest swordsman in all of Asia. His hand unconsciously edged towards the hilt of his katana, but he recalled his master's words as if he were having a fully visual and auditory hallucination.
"To defeat China's strongest swordsman you are not ready for," said the not-quite hallucination of Master Dung.
Dari was about to say something totally hardass like "when we meet again it will be as enemies" before jumping back up into a tree when there was a sound like a breeze which to the honed senses of a samurai sounded more like a hurricane of trouble.
Both men drew their swords just as smoke exploded around them and black clad ninjas with red head bands did a whole bunch of flips and then tried to throw blinding powder in their faces.
Dari cut three ninjas in half with one swing of his sword while Heddiki Hakimaki did a kick and exploded a ninja's head and then stabbed his katana through another ninja's chest and his chest exploded. Without a pause he followed through and cut the heads off two other ninjas which also exploded.
"Very impressive," commented Dari as he hacked a fourth ninja in half and blood sprayed everywhere like one of those clown heads you put on the end of a garden hose only with more nature like lotuses and cicadas.
"Look out!" shouted Heddiki as ten more ninjas flew down from the treetops on hang-gliders.
Both samurai hacked a ninja in half before they touched the ground, but as they did the remaining ninjas jumped up into the air fifty feet and formed a giant ninja with a giant sword. It took a swing at Dari but he managed to roll out of the way just in time. He moved to counterattack when thousands of shurikens came hurtling at him from even more ninjas positioned in the tops of trees. The ninjas were throwing like five hundred ninja stars a second, you couldn't even see them they were just making trees and rocks and birds explode in every direction all around the two samurai.
"I will handle our large friend," said Heddiki without looking back at Dari.
"Hmmmm!" Dari agreed and jumped into the air, deflecting ninja stars as fast as the ninjas could throw them at him which was really goddamn fast.
The ninjas were really good ninjas but they made a critical mistake. Ninjas can fly with or without hang gliders, in fact they fly faster without hang gliders but the special ninjas that form the giant ninja fly better with hang gliders. Anyway the shuriken ninjas were normal ninjas and the could have flown three hundred feet up to the very top of the trees but instead they only flew up to one hundred and fifty feet because it is really hard to throw shurikens with any accuracy outside that range. Their mistake was that every true samurai can jump up to two hundred feet in a single jump, even though samurais can't fly they jump faster than a ninja can fly so this allowed Dari to easily jump up and cut a ninja star ninja in half.
The other ninjas didn't freak out though, they all concentrated their shurikens on him. One sliced a gash in Dari's cheek and everything stopped. He glared at the ninja who had delivered the flesh wound and slowly rubbed the blood from his cheek with the back of his hand. Ninjas never make any sound under any circumstances but if they were allowed to make one sound in their entire life that ninja would pick right at that moment to say "fuck."
Dari jumped over to the branch the ninja was crouched on and in a flurry of sword swings he sliced the ninja into ninety-eight cubes and then kicked the cubes in ninety-eight different directions. He kicked them so hard that when a couple of them hit other ninjas they exploded.
Meanwhile, as Dari was finishing off the ninjas with the throwing stars, Heddiki was hacking ninjas off of the giant ninja one ninja at a time. It was down to only three ninjas in size. He delivered a spinning slash that cut the head right off of one of the remaining ninjas and the ninja's head flew all the way up to the trees and Dari saw it and kicked the ninja's head into another ninja and they both exploded and then the tree collapsed. Heddiki laughed and finished off the last two ninjas.
"You fight well," commented Heddiki as he wiped blood off his katana and sheathed it in one really cool fluid motion.
"As do you," replied Dari and then they both walked in the opposite direction without saying another word.
Chapter Three - The Burning Sun of Midday
Just as the sun was at its highest point in the sky above, Dari Armstro reached a clearing in the forest. A stream burbled and he crossed a neatly kept bridge towards an ancient pagoda built on a hill. The rice paper door slide open and out came the most beautiful geisha that Dari had ever seen. She shuffled slowly up to him and bowed until her nose nearly touched the ground.
"Welcome to the Armstro shrine," she said in a really cute super high pitched voice hushed with reverence. "I am Nokonono Noho, and my father was the keeper of this shrine until he died one year ago. Now I am the keeper of this shrine."
"You have some really small feet," commented Armstro admiring her two inch long feet. "But I am here on business and not pleasure. I must see the shrine of my ancestor Hiro Armstro."
Nokonono giggle coquettishly and was no doubt blushing with pleasure beneath her inch thick makeup. She led the way beneath the gingko trees up the steps and into the pagoda. Incense was dutifully burning before the shrine and Armstro knelt and began praying to his ancestor.
"Oh great Hiro Armstro," he intoned. "Hear my prayer to you my wise and powerful ancestor. I call upon you to appear and teach me the secrets of the samurai way, grant me the strength of the ancient Armstro sword."
He repeated the incantation over and over again until a chill breeze blew out all of the incense in the shrine. Like wind blowing over an open meat freezer the spectral form of Hiro Armstro appeared hovering in the air above the shrine.
"Heehee," the specter giggled. "Thank you for waking my thousand year slumber, I was the greatest samurai of the Armstro clan."
The ghost had a saucy voice. Dari wouldn't say it sounded gay, but anyone who wasn't related to that voice probably would judge it as gay.
"I call upon-"
"Oh yessss," the ghost lisped. "I heard, samurai way, strength of the sword, yadda yadda yadda. You greatest swordsmen ever are always so task oriented, you've gotta learn to have a little fun girlfriend."
For the first time in his life Dari began to question the intelligence of his master's advice.
"Oh get over yourself," gasped the ghost, interrupting Dari's train of thought. "I can hear what you think because I'm a ghost and your ancestor. I'll teach you how to be a great samurai and I'll give you your precious little phallic symbol, that doesn't mean I can't kid around a little. You're a cutie by the way."
"That's so disgusting," groaned Dari.
"Come off it sister!" Exclaimed the ghost. "I'm like forty generations removed from you, we're hardly even related. Okay now, the sword is underneath my keepsakes collection, pick it up, feel the power and clench those cute little cheeks for me."
Nokonono watched with ridiculously sudden deep love for Dari as he picked up the sword and began his training down the ultimate samurai path.
Chapter Four - The Afternoon Sun Descends Towards Evening
Dari left Nokonono and her tears behind to cry and be tears respectively. He was headed back down the path which Hiddeki had traveled, in search of the master Chinese swordsmen and prepared to meet him with the might Armstro family blade. He was lost in thought about this epic battle, his samurai senses dulled by the flood of information he had received from his ancestor. He hardly even registered the cool popping sound Master Dung made when he suddenly appeared out of nowhere sitting on a tree stump as if through some incredible film effect.
"Pay attention you must," chastised Master Dung, rapping Dari on the forehead with his cane. "Fifty crimson ninjas if I was, dead you would be!"
Dari just nodded, rubbing the lump forming on his head where his sensei had struck him.
"Nearly ready you are to face Hiddeki, but defeat the demon samurai of the crimson ninjas first you must."
"I am still sore master," Dari winced. "Sore in places I should not be sore. That ancestor you had me contact was a really fucker."
"Speak not bad of your ancestor you are must wait ," Master Dung stroked his incredibly long beard thoughtfully. "Do not speak ill of your ancestors. Take the path in the forest that branches to the right, there you will find the temple of Shao Tsung and your destiny!"
Dari was about to complain more to his sensei when Master Dung performed a reverse of whatever magical sensei ability he used to teleport in the first place and completely disappeared. It was pretty awesome, but Dari didn't have time to sit around and contemplate its awesomeness like the many facets of a bee's eye, or rain drops on roses, or whiskers on kittens. He had to defeat Shao Tsung as quickly as possible so that he could become the greatest swordsman in all of Asia.
Hours later he arrived at the temple of Shao Tsung, the demonic samurai master of the crimson ninjas from the Yomi realm sat atop a throne made entirely of human bones and a few animal bones where human bones just did not provide enough structural support. Dari sighed as he realized that to even fight Tsung he would have to battle his way through half of the crimson ninja clan. A massive battle ensued as Shao Tsung sat atop his throne hurling reverberating insults at the beleaguered samurai and announcing the beginning and end of each ninja battle. When all of the ninjas in sight had either been exploded or cut in half, Shao Tsung stepped down from his thrown.
"For one thousand years I have waited to face another worthy opponent from the Armstro clan, now your time has come to die like Hiro did."
"Wait!" Cried Dari. "You mean you BEAT Hiro?"
"Hahahahah you weak pathetic fool," laughed Shao mockingly. "This will be all too easy. FIGHT!"
The massive demonic samurai lunged forward with his extremely evil spear but Dari was too quick, leaping thirty feet over the head of the brute and landing behind him. He attacked with his sword but even the magical might of the Armstro clan blade bounced harmlessly off the heavy scales of the samurai's armor. With a backhand that loosed several of Dari's teeth the demon sent the samurai flying across the courtyard in which they were battling. All of the maneuvers he had ever learned raced through Dari's shaken brain as the demonic samurai bore down on him. He had to act quickly if he was to save himself and his proud samurai heritage.
Then he remembered, an ancient prophecy, that he who kicks low shall defeat the high. Just as Shao Tsung was about to strike Dari down with his evil spear, Dari began to execute a series of weak but rapid low kicks. Each kick knocked the might Tsung onto his back. He would begin to rise and each time Dari would send him to the ground with another leg sweep. After a dozen or so of these kicks Tsung stood, swaying back and forth uncertainly, in a daze from the sheer number of times he had been knocked over.
Dari took the opportunity to stand up and approach the demonic samurai with great confidence. Calling upon all of the magical power his sensei had granted him through teachings Dari began a powerful incantation. As the last of the words escaped his lips he looked down to see that Shao Tsung had been transformed into a human baby. The magic had obviously not worked so to ensure the demon was forever banished he inserted the baby into a cloth bag and added several large rocks and then tossed the bag into the goldfish pond.
Dari smiled with the knowledge that his quest had nearly reached its end. He stepped over one of the few ninjas that had failed to detonate and exited the courtyard heading for the coast where he knew he would find Hiddeki.
Chapter Five - The Evening of the Setting Sun
Hiddeki stood facing the sea, his back to Dari as though he posed no threat.
"Why must we fight?" Asked Hiddeki sadly. "Why must one of us die so that the other's existence can be vindicated?"
"Oh no," said Dari, "this whole saga was nothing but fighting ninjas and demons, you can't try to inject some half-assed deep-thought moral at the end."
"But why must blood always run for men to reach their destiny?" Said Hiddeki, turning to face Dari at last, a single tear running down his cheek.
"Oh come on, you're crying?" Dari laughed with disbelief. "Yeah this is so heartbreaking after that incredible bonding experience we had making all the ninjas explode. We are brothers in battle, siblings of the sword. Fuck off okay, I came to cut your head off and go home and sleep."
Hiddeki nodded and wiped the tear from his eye. Both men drew the swords and bowed to the other, then ran forward and leapt into the air. Their blades clashed a hundred and fifty feet up, near the absolute ceiling of samurai jumps. With a resounding clang the blades met and both men spun, parried, and counter attacked. Each slicing an ear from the other.
They landed back on the cliff overlooking the ocean, clutching their respective ears and trying to stop the flow of blood. The pause was brief however, as they had soon locked blades in a whirling battle on the ground. Dari saw an opening and drove forward, impaling Hiddeki's stomach on his blade. He failed to notice the Chinese sword master's own weapon as it slashed up and pierced his chest, driving through his lung and out his back.
Both men gasped in pain and separated.
"We are too evenly matched," panted Hiddeki, "we will both die."
Dari nodded thoughtfully and then charged forward again, cleaving off one of Hiddeki's arms with a powerful swing. He felt his own left arm detach suddenly, cleaved off by a mighty blow from his opponent. They stood apart again, staring at each other through a haze of pain and possibly stupidity. The staring contest lasted for minutes as each man sized up the weakness of his opponent. The contest ended and they both rushed forward. Their only arm brought up their blade in a slashing arc that connected with their opponent's heart. If they wanted they could have made out or something because their faces were only inches apart. Instead they both gasped and collapsed next to each other, their mighty sword flying from their dying grasps and sticking upright in the ground like really sharp tombstones.
Their lifeblood pumped out of their mortal wounds and intermingled on the salt-washed grass of the cliff side. Neither man had the strength to turn their head and watch the sun set below the horizon like a gigantic incandescent orb of endless hydrogen explosions or something else natural like a butterfly or a turnip.
THE END
taken from www.somethingawful.com
Dari-san stood in perfect crane posture, his razor-sharp katana gleaming in the orange sun as it began to rise over the hills of Chungshang. He had been practicing for five days straight and had spent the last three immobile in the crane posture as Shaolin monks hurled rotten fruit at him. He was swollen from bee stings and his muscles had built up so much lactic acid that they had begun to dissolve through his skin in places, yet he remained as the rock, unmoving in the face of passing time.
In the periphery of his vision he could see his ancient master Mao Dung hobbling with the aid of his cane from the pagoda to the North. To most his approach would seem agonizingly slow, but for Dari Armstro the master samurai it was a pleasant and calming approach, like light seen forming patterns when filtered through the leaves of trees or some other obtuse nature metaphor.
"Good this is Dari-san," croaked his master at last as he began tapping Dari's blood-stained pant legs with his cane. "Ready you are for your journey."
Armstro collapsed into a sitting heap, yet still he looked down at his tiny master, shriveled with age to barely more than three feet in height.
"I am ready to turn into soup in the hot springs," groaned Ari. "I am ready to be fed sushi and fanned by a throng of geishas."
Mao Dung chuckled amicably.
"Time you will have to rest when completed is your journey!"
"What is this journey Sensei?" Asked Dari. "You have mentioned it so many times but you have never told me what it entails."
"Strong you are Dari-san," explained Master Dung. "Strongest swordsman in all of Japan you are. But to defeat China's strongest swordsman you are not ready for. Journey you must to the shrine of your ancestors. Find you will there the ancient sword of the Armstro clan. Learn you will the power of your ancestors. Ready you will be then."
Armstro stood, his strength regained, his sideburns fluttering handsomely in the ocean breeze. He returned his katana to its sheath and tucked it beneath his flowing blue and green robe.
"Danger you will also find, crimson ninjas in the forest are!" Warned Master Dung.
Legend spoke of the crimson ninjas and being Japanese and a samurai Armstro was all too aware of what legend spoke of. They were a vicious clan of ninjas ruled over by the ancient demon samurai Shao Tsung. They slaughtered travelers, burned down villages, and generally terrorized the entire island of Japanohama. Despite their fearsome reputation, Armstro was not afraid, he was never afraid.
"I go now master!" And he went, trotting along a road toward the Isuzuki forest where the crimson ninjas waited for him.
Chapter Two - Late Morning Brunch Time Sun
The heat of the mid-morning sun was dissipated by the towering trees of the forest and they canopy they formed over Dari Armstro's head. The sounds of birds and insects seemed to become more muted the further into the forest he went, and he could feel his keen samurai senses tingling. When he heard the sound of footsteps padding quietly - too quietly - down the dirt path he immediately jumped one hundred feet directly into up into the air and landed on a tree branch. Birds took off with a cry from their nests as if anticipating some sort of bloody samurai versus ninja duel.
Instead a man in a simple straw hat appeared on the path below Armstro, although the swords lashed to his back belied the mysterious traveler's warrior spirit. Dari waited until the man had walked past him and then jumped straight down one hundred feet without injury and even more totally awesomely, without making a single sound. The man turned slowly and calmly to face him, his jaw set and his face unreadable.
"I am Dari Armstro," said Dari Armstro, noting the crimson colored hand-guards on the man's swords.
"I am Heddiki Hakimaki," said the man quietly.
Dari Armstro knew the name well for Heddiki Hakimaki was the greatest swordsman in all of China. This was the man he must ultimately face in battle to claim the title of the greatest swordsman in all of Asia. His hand unconsciously edged towards the hilt of his katana, but he recalled his master's words as if he were having a fully visual and auditory hallucination.
"To defeat China's strongest swordsman you are not ready for," said the not-quite hallucination of Master Dung.
Dari was about to say something totally hardass like "when we meet again it will be as enemies" before jumping back up into a tree when there was a sound like a breeze which to the honed senses of a samurai sounded more like a hurricane of trouble.
Both men drew their swords just as smoke exploded around them and black clad ninjas with red head bands did a whole bunch of flips and then tried to throw blinding powder in their faces.
Dari cut three ninjas in half with one swing of his sword while Heddiki Hakimaki did a kick and exploded a ninja's head and then stabbed his katana through another ninja's chest and his chest exploded. Without a pause he followed through and cut the heads off two other ninjas which also exploded.
"Very impressive," commented Dari as he hacked a fourth ninja in half and blood sprayed everywhere like one of those clown heads you put on the end of a garden hose only with more nature like lotuses and cicadas.
"Look out!" shouted Heddiki as ten more ninjas flew down from the treetops on hang-gliders.
Both samurai hacked a ninja in half before they touched the ground, but as they did the remaining ninjas jumped up into the air fifty feet and formed a giant ninja with a giant sword. It took a swing at Dari but he managed to roll out of the way just in time. He moved to counterattack when thousands of shurikens came hurtling at him from even more ninjas positioned in the tops of trees. The ninjas were throwing like five hundred ninja stars a second, you couldn't even see them they were just making trees and rocks and birds explode in every direction all around the two samurai.
"I will handle our large friend," said Heddiki without looking back at Dari.
"Hmmmm!" Dari agreed and jumped into the air, deflecting ninja stars as fast as the ninjas could throw them at him which was really goddamn fast.
The ninjas were really good ninjas but they made a critical mistake. Ninjas can fly with or without hang gliders, in fact they fly faster without hang gliders but the special ninjas that form the giant ninja fly better with hang gliders. Anyway the shuriken ninjas were normal ninjas and the could have flown three hundred feet up to the very top of the trees but instead they only flew up to one hundred and fifty feet because it is really hard to throw shurikens with any accuracy outside that range. Their mistake was that every true samurai can jump up to two hundred feet in a single jump, even though samurais can't fly they jump faster than a ninja can fly so this allowed Dari to easily jump up and cut a ninja star ninja in half.
The other ninjas didn't freak out though, they all concentrated their shurikens on him. One sliced a gash in Dari's cheek and everything stopped. He glared at the ninja who had delivered the flesh wound and slowly rubbed the blood from his cheek with the back of his hand. Ninjas never make any sound under any circumstances but if they were allowed to make one sound in their entire life that ninja would pick right at that moment to say "fuck."
Dari jumped over to the branch the ninja was crouched on and in a flurry of sword swings he sliced the ninja into ninety-eight cubes and then kicked the cubes in ninety-eight different directions. He kicked them so hard that when a couple of them hit other ninjas they exploded.
Meanwhile, as Dari was finishing off the ninjas with the throwing stars, Heddiki was hacking ninjas off of the giant ninja one ninja at a time. It was down to only three ninjas in size. He delivered a spinning slash that cut the head right off of one of the remaining ninjas and the ninja's head flew all the way up to the trees and Dari saw it and kicked the ninja's head into another ninja and they both exploded and then the tree collapsed. Heddiki laughed and finished off the last two ninjas.
"You fight well," commented Heddiki as he wiped blood off his katana and sheathed it in one really cool fluid motion.
"As do you," replied Dari and then they both walked in the opposite direction without saying another word.
Chapter Three - The Burning Sun of Midday
Just as the sun was at its highest point in the sky above, Dari Armstro reached a clearing in the forest. A stream burbled and he crossed a neatly kept bridge towards an ancient pagoda built on a hill. The rice paper door slide open and out came the most beautiful geisha that Dari had ever seen. She shuffled slowly up to him and bowed until her nose nearly touched the ground.
"Welcome to the Armstro shrine," she said in a really cute super high pitched voice hushed with reverence. "I am Nokonono Noho, and my father was the keeper of this shrine until he died one year ago. Now I am the keeper of this shrine."
"You have some really small feet," commented Armstro admiring her two inch long feet. "But I am here on business and not pleasure. I must see the shrine of my ancestor Hiro Armstro."
Nokonono giggle coquettishly and was no doubt blushing with pleasure beneath her inch thick makeup. She led the way beneath the gingko trees up the steps and into the pagoda. Incense was dutifully burning before the shrine and Armstro knelt and began praying to his ancestor.
"Oh great Hiro Armstro," he intoned. "Hear my prayer to you my wise and powerful ancestor. I call upon you to appear and teach me the secrets of the samurai way, grant me the strength of the ancient Armstro sword."
He repeated the incantation over and over again until a chill breeze blew out all of the incense in the shrine. Like wind blowing over an open meat freezer the spectral form of Hiro Armstro appeared hovering in the air above the shrine.
"Heehee," the specter giggled. "Thank you for waking my thousand year slumber, I was the greatest samurai of the Armstro clan."
The ghost had a saucy voice. Dari wouldn't say it sounded gay, but anyone who wasn't related to that voice probably would judge it as gay.
"I call upon-"
"Oh yessss," the ghost lisped. "I heard, samurai way, strength of the sword, yadda yadda yadda. You greatest swordsmen ever are always so task oriented, you've gotta learn to have a little fun girlfriend."
For the first time in his life Dari began to question the intelligence of his master's advice.
"Oh get over yourself," gasped the ghost, interrupting Dari's train of thought. "I can hear what you think because I'm a ghost and your ancestor. I'll teach you how to be a great samurai and I'll give you your precious little phallic symbol, that doesn't mean I can't kid around a little. You're a cutie by the way."
"That's so disgusting," groaned Dari.
"Come off it sister!" Exclaimed the ghost. "I'm like forty generations removed from you, we're hardly even related. Okay now, the sword is underneath my keepsakes collection, pick it up, feel the power and clench those cute little cheeks for me."
Nokonono watched with ridiculously sudden deep love for Dari as he picked up the sword and began his training down the ultimate samurai path.
Chapter Four - The Afternoon Sun Descends Towards Evening
Dari left Nokonono and her tears behind to cry and be tears respectively. He was headed back down the path which Hiddeki had traveled, in search of the master Chinese swordsmen and prepared to meet him with the might Armstro family blade. He was lost in thought about this epic battle, his samurai senses dulled by the flood of information he had received from his ancestor. He hardly even registered the cool popping sound Master Dung made when he suddenly appeared out of nowhere sitting on a tree stump as if through some incredible film effect.
"Pay attention you must," chastised Master Dung, rapping Dari on the forehead with his cane. "Fifty crimson ninjas if I was, dead you would be!"
Dari just nodded, rubbing the lump forming on his head where his sensei had struck him.
"Nearly ready you are to face Hiddeki, but defeat the demon samurai of the crimson ninjas first you must."
"I am still sore master," Dari winced. "Sore in places I should not be sore. That ancestor you had me contact was a really fucker."
"Speak not bad of your ancestor you are must wait ," Master Dung stroked his incredibly long beard thoughtfully. "Do not speak ill of your ancestors. Take the path in the forest that branches to the right, there you will find the temple of Shao Tsung and your destiny!"
Dari was about to complain more to his sensei when Master Dung performed a reverse of whatever magical sensei ability he used to teleport in the first place and completely disappeared. It was pretty awesome, but Dari didn't have time to sit around and contemplate its awesomeness like the many facets of a bee's eye, or rain drops on roses, or whiskers on kittens. He had to defeat Shao Tsung as quickly as possible so that he could become the greatest swordsman in all of Asia.
Hours later he arrived at the temple of Shao Tsung, the demonic samurai master of the crimson ninjas from the Yomi realm sat atop a throne made entirely of human bones and a few animal bones where human bones just did not provide enough structural support. Dari sighed as he realized that to even fight Tsung he would have to battle his way through half of the crimson ninja clan. A massive battle ensued as Shao Tsung sat atop his throne hurling reverberating insults at the beleaguered samurai and announcing the beginning and end of each ninja battle. When all of the ninjas in sight had either been exploded or cut in half, Shao Tsung stepped down from his thrown.
"For one thousand years I have waited to face another worthy opponent from the Armstro clan, now your time has come to die like Hiro did."
"Wait!" Cried Dari. "You mean you BEAT Hiro?"
"Hahahahah you weak pathetic fool," laughed Shao mockingly. "This will be all too easy. FIGHT!"
The massive demonic samurai lunged forward with his extremely evil spear but Dari was too quick, leaping thirty feet over the head of the brute and landing behind him. He attacked with his sword but even the magical might of the Armstro clan blade bounced harmlessly off the heavy scales of the samurai's armor. With a backhand that loosed several of Dari's teeth the demon sent the samurai flying across the courtyard in which they were battling. All of the maneuvers he had ever learned raced through Dari's shaken brain as the demonic samurai bore down on him. He had to act quickly if he was to save himself and his proud samurai heritage.
Then he remembered, an ancient prophecy, that he who kicks low shall defeat the high. Just as Shao Tsung was about to strike Dari down with his evil spear, Dari began to execute a series of weak but rapid low kicks. Each kick knocked the might Tsung onto his back. He would begin to rise and each time Dari would send him to the ground with another leg sweep. After a dozen or so of these kicks Tsung stood, swaying back and forth uncertainly, in a daze from the sheer number of times he had been knocked over.
Dari took the opportunity to stand up and approach the demonic samurai with great confidence. Calling upon all of the magical power his sensei had granted him through teachings Dari began a powerful incantation. As the last of the words escaped his lips he looked down to see that Shao Tsung had been transformed into a human baby. The magic had obviously not worked so to ensure the demon was forever banished he inserted the baby into a cloth bag and added several large rocks and then tossed the bag into the goldfish pond.
Dari smiled with the knowledge that his quest had nearly reached its end. He stepped over one of the few ninjas that had failed to detonate and exited the courtyard heading for the coast where he knew he would find Hiddeki.
Chapter Five - The Evening of the Setting Sun
Hiddeki stood facing the sea, his back to Dari as though he posed no threat.
"Why must we fight?" Asked Hiddeki sadly. "Why must one of us die so that the other's existence can be vindicated?"
"Oh no," said Dari, "this whole saga was nothing but fighting ninjas and demons, you can't try to inject some half-assed deep-thought moral at the end."
"But why must blood always run for men to reach their destiny?" Said Hiddeki, turning to face Dari at last, a single tear running down his cheek.
"Oh come on, you're crying?" Dari laughed with disbelief. "Yeah this is so heartbreaking after that incredible bonding experience we had making all the ninjas explode. We are brothers in battle, siblings of the sword. Fuck off okay, I came to cut your head off and go home and sleep."
Hiddeki nodded and wiped the tear from his eye. Both men drew the swords and bowed to the other, then ran forward and leapt into the air. Their blades clashed a hundred and fifty feet up, near the absolute ceiling of samurai jumps. With a resounding clang the blades met and both men spun, parried, and counter attacked. Each slicing an ear from the other.
They landed back on the cliff overlooking the ocean, clutching their respective ears and trying to stop the flow of blood. The pause was brief however, as they had soon locked blades in a whirling battle on the ground. Dari saw an opening and drove forward, impaling Hiddeki's stomach on his blade. He failed to notice the Chinese sword master's own weapon as it slashed up and pierced his chest, driving through his lung and out his back.
Both men gasped in pain and separated.
"We are too evenly matched," panted Hiddeki, "we will both die."
Dari nodded thoughtfully and then charged forward again, cleaving off one of Hiddeki's arms with a powerful swing. He felt his own left arm detach suddenly, cleaved off by a mighty blow from his opponent. They stood apart again, staring at each other through a haze of pain and possibly stupidity. The staring contest lasted for minutes as each man sized up the weakness of his opponent. The contest ended and they both rushed forward. Their only arm brought up their blade in a slashing arc that connected with their opponent's heart. If they wanted they could have made out or something because their faces were only inches apart. Instead they both gasped and collapsed next to each other, their mighty sword flying from their dying grasps and sticking upright in the ground like really sharp tombstones.
Their lifeblood pumped out of their mortal wounds and intermingled on the salt-washed grass of the cliff side. Neither man had the strength to turn their head and watch the sun set below the horizon like a gigantic incandescent orb of endless hydrogen explosions or something else natural like a butterfly or a turnip.
THE END
taken from www.somethingawful.com
