Monkey Music
Around two years ago, while I was peaking through the tiny Metal section of FYE, a fat, drunk slob in a torn black Manowar shirttorn most likely because he just finished waging war against the world in the name of Metalwalked over to me and with a gust of wretched beer breath, said, Metal is forever, dude. It is the epitome of human strength and will. Metal is the music of the gods. While this may seem like just a drunk mindless outburst, it is not. This is miraculously enough the sentiment of Metal heads everywhere, drunk stoned, or just downright retarded. Metal is a religion for them; it is their life. Everything they do, everything they say, everyone they know revolves around the glorious might of Metal. If a Metal head is caught listening to any type of music besides Metal, he or she is automatically labeled a sell-out and exiled from the great Metal clique. Also, many battles are fought inside the world of Metal. Each poor sap believes his preferred genre of Metal is the only true genre of Metal and picks out a few choice words, such as poser or gay, that he uses on a daily basis to intimidate his untrue, unworthy rivals. Obviously, since each fan of each genre does the same thing, they work themselves into a little paradox; they are all posers and homosexuals. Although all of them participate in these shenanigans, none are as savage, brutal, or gay as the Death Metal Meatheads, Black Metal Corpses, and Power Metal Fairies.
Death Metal, a genre worth its weight in gold, is definitely only suitable for the most intellectually capable and most refine human beings. The sheer intelligence required in understanding the deep social commentary contained in the song Vomited Anal Tract by the thoughtfully named band Carcass is astounding. In fact, anyone who can find any such significance whatsoever in the lyrics, The stench of hot feces scorch your nose, should not only be hailed as a genius but should also be crowned the King of Absurdity. Of course, the Meatheads of Death Metal cannot even connect dots, so it is highly unlikely that they will uncover social musings in their precious Carcasss lyrics. Instead, they are bound to walk the earth in a stupor, mindlessly worshipping every word spewed from the vocalists mouth. While most people would be worried that the vocalist is regurgitating his lung, the Death Metal Meatheads continue head banging along, slinging oil from their hair all over the walls. The raw noise of Death Metal taps into the darkest regions of the listeners brain and is breeding ground for murderers and rapists. Luckily for mankind, those who listen to Death Metal are too stupid to even rape themselves without getting caught.
Speaking of raping, that is the exact feeling received while listening to Black Metal. Oddly enough, the pale corpse like figures (which makes the name Black Metal a little ironic) who listen to this sad excuse for sound bend over backwards for this feeling. Yes, they are truly grim creatures, covered in the blood of fetuses and lurking in the moonlit Norwegian forests completely nude with frostbitten toes. Actually, thats not true. At this moment, most Black Metal Corpses are holding a teddy bear and crying for their mother because they stumped their toe on the doorway. It is likely that many of them cannot even turn on a light without being burnt. Although their heroes, such as Varg Vikernes who stabbed his Mayhem band mate Euronymous more than twenty times in the back, may have killed people and small animals and set fire to churches, the Black Metal Corpses are too busy putting on make-up to live the life expressed in Black Metal. They may be the biggest elitists this side of Liza Minelli fans, but when push comes to shove, they scream, Mother, I will flee, and are out of there like Richard Simmons in a bar fight.
Just like Richard Simmons, Power Metal Fairies are big, burly men. How could they not be big and burly, though, when their occupation is to slay dragons and conquer the world with Metal? And what big, burly man is complete without a ridiculously large sword and a loincloth that even Calista Flockhart would have a hard time fitting into? Definitely not the Power Metal Fairies because they are the warriors of the world, and they must fit that role at all times. If a Fairy is caught without his sword and loincloth, the other Fairies may question his commitment to the cause of Metal and might even think, Does he like girls? They would all then promptly run and take a nice steamy bath together. Yet, once they get done with their mating ritual, they pretend nothing happened and go back to chasing the imaginary enemies of Metal because that is so much more manly than taking a hot bath together. Even Boy George is less laughable than the Power Metal Fairies. At least he doesnt try to hide how outrageously flamboyant he is by prancing around in skimpy clothing and shouting, Die by my plastic sword, oh mighty blow up dragon of fiery rage!
These are the personas of Metal and the future of the world. Of course, the future of the world means that they will be cleaning rooms at Motel-6 after the Do Not Disturb sign is taken down or, if they are lucky, selling Slurpees at the local 7-Eleven. In other words, they have no future and are bound to forever ridicule each other in the most childish ways imaginable while being the saddest excuses for human beings on Earth. As a noble man once said, Metal is forever, dude.
